Your job is to be there for your spouse. To stand by their side, be on their team, regardless of what anyone else may think or say about them. 

Written with Zivia Reischer

I have a question for you. I’ve been married for five years already, but every time we visit my parents for Shabbos or Yom Tov, the same problem crops up. I guess my siblings don’t really like my husband because they’re always finding fault with everything he says or does. Whatever he says, they’ll put him down, making it sound like he’s not worldly or like he’s an am-ha’aretz. If we’re talking about something related to finances, they’ll say to me, “I hope you don’t rely on Yaakov to make financial decisions.” If we’re considering a vacation, and I tell my sister which destination my husband suggested, she’ll say, “You’re going to let him plan your trip?” They pick on everything he does — his table manners, his clothes, whatever he does or doesn’t do — and make fun of it. When I once tried to talk to them about it, it quickly escalated into a full-scale confrontation with outright insults toward my husband. Am I supposed to just ignore their behavior? Am I supposed to stop visiting? I love my husband, and I love my parents and siblings, and I feel caught between them. What am I supposed to do?

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of having a rav that you turn to with questions. 

This goes for everyone — every family needs a rav, every couple needs a rav, every individual needs a rav.  Throughout life, there will be many situations where you need advice or direction, and the ability to consult with a rav is an invaluable tool, especially for shalom bayis. Not only does a rav provide you with the impartial and wise perspective of a person more learned than yourself, it’s also easier to receive the advice coming from an outside party (rather than from one’s spouse). In your case, a rav can help you identify if in fact there really is something wrong and your family members have a legitimate point that needs to be addressed. I highly recommend that you seek advice from someone who knows you both well. 

But let’s assume that there isn’t something really wrong, and this is a case where certain personalities just don’t mesh with other personalities. Simply put, your husband and your siblings get on each other’s nerves. In that case, I would like to share with you a very important perspective.

Your marriage comes first — before anything else. Before work, before social obligations, before learning, and before community responsibilities. Your marriage also comes before any other relationship: before your brothers and sisters, before your aunts and uncles, even before your parents and in-laws.

The Torah says, “Therefore, a man leaves his father and mother, and clings to his wife” (Bereishis 2:24). That means that any time there is a conflict of interest, your primary obligation is to your spouse. Your spouse comes first.

In this case, if your siblings and your spouse don’t get along, you support your spouse. You are on his side. You are at his side. Remember: You are best friends who love each other.