We’ve Never Had a Kid Like Yours

Miriam’s bright and active son, Yitzy, couldn’t keep still in school. “He bounced all over the place,” says Miriam, who is raising her family in Israel. “They didn’t know what to do with him. In second grade, they told me I should get him tested for ADHD.”

After Yitzy went through a series of neurological testing to get to the bottom of his behavior, the final assessment revealed that he didn’t have ADHD — his intelligence level was 1/1000, putting him in the profoundly gifted category.

“At first, the number didn’t really mean anything to me,” admits Miriam. “But a relative who works in education put it into perspective. One in a thousand means that a rebbi could teach 30 students a year for 30 years and still never encounter a child like my son. So how can I blame the school for not knowing what to do with him?”

Yitzy, now in middle school, was able to benefit from the support of the Ofek School for Gifted Children in Jerusalem. Their program, which Yitzy joined one day a week in lieu of his regular cheder, provides students with the opportunity to work on things on their level, and helps the children feel less isolated.

“They’re able to connect with other children who are like them, which socially is a big deal,” says Miriam. “They realize they’re not the only kid who thinks the way they do.”

The Ofek School also provides services for parents. “They help you speak to your kids’ school and act as an advocate, speaking to the cheder about what kind of changes they need, what’s not working, and why.”

The teachers at Yitzy’s cheder not only accommodate his unique needs, they also celebrate them. When Yitzy made his first siyum on Shas Mishnayos at the age of 11, the menahel encouraged the family to celebrate it with a huge siyum. While Miriam was initially worried that it wasn’t tzanua to publicize it on that scale, the menahel pointed out that we celebrate children’s giftedness in other areas, like sports and creativity. Why shouldn’t they celebrate her son’s unique gifts, too?

Not all child geniuses have that level of support in the classroom, as Mimi from New Jersey can attest: “At parent-teacher conferences, the teachers would gush, ‘We’ve never had such a bright student like your Devorah before!’ At first, it felt good,” Mimi admits. “But the reality is, they didn’t know how to keep up with her academic pace. She found school very boring.”

Now Mimi actively works with teachers. At the beginning of each school year, she sits down with each teacher to explain her daughter’s unique educational profile. “The school has been extremely understanding and flexible,” says Mimi. “They give Devorah the space she needs. For example, they let her sit at the back of the class and work on whatever projects her highly creative mind is up to at the time. She might not look like she’s paying attention to the class lesson, but she knows what’s going on the entire time.”

Since gifted kids can learn so much so quickly, school is often a challenge, but not in an academic sense. Fraidy’s son Avi had always coasted through school and was an exemplary student both academically and behaviorally. But in fifth grade, he started getting kicked out of class on a regular basis. “We were baffled by the abrupt change,” says Fraidy, who lives in a midsized out-of-town community. “He’d never acted up like this before.”

Fraidy and her husband spoke to the rebbi, who was also puzzled. He explained that every morning, Avi would cross a line — for example, make noises, or disrupt the class by starting a conversation with another student — until he was asked to leave the classroom.

When Fraidy spoke to her son about what was going on, she was surprised by his response: “School is so boring,” he said. “I don’t want to be in class anymore, so I just act up until they kick me out.” The menahel of the school acknowledged to Fraidy that Avi was bored because he was ahead of everybody else in the class, and honestly, they didn’t really know what to do with him.

“The menahel spoke frankly and admitted that kids in the middle — the average students who don’t have learning disabilities and also aren’t brilliant — do the best in school. And while schools have been providing more services for children with learning disabilities, for gifted children there’s still hardly any support,” Fraidy says.

After his lackluster fifth-grade year, Avi switched schools and skipped a grade, but by high school, he was again ahead of his class — even for the top shiur. The rosh yeshivah noticed and offered to learn with him b’chavrusa. Their son completed his secular studies graduation requirements online, graduating at 16 and going straight into first-year beis medrash. Even though he’s two or three years younger than the boys in his class, he’s physically tall so he blends in. He’s also mature enough that the disparity in age isn’t an issue.

Another challenge for gifted kids is that socially they’re usually not interested in the things their peers are interested in. They might find it more interesting to discuss adult topics with adults, or to spend time in their rich inner world as opposed to peer-to-peer conversations that fall flat.

“We’ve started to coach Solly on how to interact socially,” says Rachel. “When he’s at a playdate, he’ll pick up an adult book and start reading out loud. That’s obviously not typical for a six-year-old boy and it elicits surprised reactions. We tell Solly that everyone has different levels and abilities, and it could hurt a friend’s feelings if you make it obvious that you’re able to do something that they can’t do yet.”

They’re Pulling Us

A common misperception is that parents of gifted kids push their children to overachieve, partly so they can have bragging rights about having brilliant children. Miriam is quick to correct that assumption, sharing a sentiment common in the gifted community: “It’s not that parents are pushing the kids, it’s the kids who are pulling the parents.”

As an example, when Yitzy was seven, Miriam gave him a book on science that was appropriate for a middle school student. He found the page about chemistry particularly interesting, so he asked for books on chemistry. But it wasn’t enough for him — he wanted to learn more. So Miriam enrolled him in a chemistry class through Kahn academy, an online learning site.

At a certain point, Yitzy realized that he needed higher math skills to properly do the chemistry, so he started focusing on math. When he got up to calculus, he realized he needed to learn physics. “He was asking us for this,” says Miriam. “These kids have a thirst for it. They need it.”

Fraidy’s son was naturally athletic, but it was his giftedness that helped him excel at pitching. He was interested in the physics of the sport and would read books about how to hit the bat and at what speed. He would also watch video after video of major league pitching. It wasn’t enough to just play well, he wanted to go deeper.

Support for Special Gifts

Gifted children are rare, and perhaps because of that, they wow the people around them, garnering attention for their academic prowess and cerebral feats.

“People are amazed by how many facts my son has memorized,” says Shifra, whose son Chaim is now a middle schooler in the Tristate area. “He’s a geography geek. He knows every country in the world and every state.” From a young age, Chaim was also capable of complex thinking — in first grade, he was holding his own in chess matches against adults.

“When he checks out adult-level books at the library, the librarians try to redirect him to kids’ books because they can’t believe he’s on that level,” says Shifra. But the fact is, Chaim was reading middle school-level novels in kindergarten.

Shifra stresses a point about gifted children: “It’s important to acknowledge that gifted doesn’t mean perfect, and it doesn’t mean gifted in every way. One of the things my doctor spoke to me about is that gifted kids can sometimes overdevelop the cognitive side, but their emotional side can be underdeveloped. They’re not necessarily more mature. Cognitive abilities aren’t  the whole of the person.”

This uneven development is called asynchronous development, and is one of the aspects of giftedness that parents often seek support for, whether through professional services or through support groups for parents of gifted children.

There are a host of other challenges that gifted children can face. For instance, they may not develop study skills in the earlier school years, which can lead to challenges in the higher grades. Despite their above-average intelligence, gifted kids can also be underachievers — whether due to lack of motivation, psychological issues (such an anxiety, perfectionism, or depression), or being twice exceptional (being gifted and having a learning disability, see sidebar for more).

At first, Rachel struggled to find people who she could ask questions to about her son Solly. She relied on online forums before ultimately finding another mother in her area who has a gifted child a few years older than her son.

When Miriam needs guidance or a listening ear, she turns to online groups, and groups founded by other parents of profoundly gifted children. She also gained tremendously from reading books on the subject, including two must-reads: Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of Gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Asperger’s, Depression, and Other Disorders; and Bright Not Broken: Gifted Kids, ADHD, and Autism.

All parents have concerns about how their children will adjust to whatever challenges they face, and parents of gifted children are no different. Like the rest of us, they’re trying to raise their children to the best of their abilities.

“We were worried about the social piece with our son, and the menahel kept telling us, ‘He’s gonna be okay. Don’t worry,’” shares Miriam. “And, baruch Hashem, as time moves on, we are really seeing it.”

FIVE ATTRIBUTES THAT CAN MASK A CHILD’S GIFTEDNESS

How can one tell if a child’s atypical behavior is a marker of giftedness — or a symptom of ADHD, autism, or another diagnosis?

It can be tricky to determine. For instance, a child who is calling out, using hyperactivity to combat boredom, or is intensely focused on one topic to the exclusion of others could look like she has ADHD. But she could also be gifted. A child who is in her own world, has sensory issues, and doesn’t connect well with peers may have autism. Or she could be gifted.

It’s possible, too, for a gifted child to also have learning disabilities such as dyslexia, ADHD, or autism (this is called being twice exceptional, or 2e). It’s difficult to get an accurate number of how many children fall into this category, but one source reported about one sixth of gifted children having a learning difference of some type.

Certain inborn intensities seem to be common in gifted children. Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dabrowski identified five areas in which children exhibit intense behavior: psychomotor, sensual, emotional, intellectual, and imaginational.

These areas are known as overexcitabilities (OEs) and they can potentially mask or confuse a child’s giftedness. Psychologists estimate that about one in five people experience OEs, and between two and four percent of people experience OEs in a way that presents challenges to their daily life. It should be noted that not all gifted children have OEs, but the occurrence is higher in the gifted population than the average population.

1. Psychomotor Overexcitability is common in gifted children and presents as having high levels of energy. These children seem to always be on the move, and may be misdiagnosed as having ADHD. They’re capable of sustained concentration, but only when they’re not understimulated. Other characteristics might be competitiveness, impulsiveness, compulsive and/or rapid talking, physical expression of emotions, or nervous habits or tics.
2. Sensual Overexcitability is a heightened awareness of the five senses. They are more sensitive to the smells, tastes, and textures of certain foods. They can also be more sensitive to the feel and texture of clothing. They may seek out touch or have a high need or desire for comfort. They also can have a deep appreciation of beauty in music, art, writing, and/or nature.
3. Emotional Overexcitability is expressed by having intense emotional sensitivity which may be expressed through anxiety, concern for others, extreme emotions, depression, feelings of guilt and responsibility, a heightened sense of right and wrong, physical responses to emotions (e.g., stomachaches from worry), a need for security. Children with this overexcitability can be misdiagnosed with bipolar or other emotional disorders.
4. Intellectual Overexcitability is the most recognizable overexcitability in gifted children. Children who have this as their primary intensity seem to be thinking all the time and need answers to their deep and probing questions. Sometimes their curiosity can be problematic in school if it seems to be disrespectful or challenging to the teacher’s authority. Some traits of this excitability may be analytical thinking, avid reading, deep curiosity, love of learning, love of problem solving, and theoretical thinking.
5. Imaginational Overexcitability is primarily expressed through free play of the imagination. This can lead to visualizing the worst-case scenarios in any situation, which can lead to being fearful and timid, and not wanting to take any risks. It can keep a child from trying new situations. Other traits of this overexcitability may be daydreaming, detailed visualization, good sense of humor, imaginary friends, love of fantasy, magical thinking, and vivid dreams.

While all children might exhibit some of these behaviors, OEs go beyond what’s common and average. For instance, a child who talks a lot may be considered a chatterbox, but a child with psychomotor overexcitability may talk constantly without any breaks. A child who is emotionally sensitive may be good at empathizing; a child with emotional overexcitability may actually feel the distress of their friend.

GROWING UP GIFTED

Naomi, who grew up as a gifted child in Maryland and is now a wife and mother raising her own family, reflects on the three main challenges and lessons she learned from her childhood:

Even as a young child, I was good at school, I was good at tests, and I was good at assessments. Academically, I ended up three years ahead in math, did college calculus as a junior in high school, and was three years ahead in French. I started college with a full year of credits from all my AP exams.

I was an only child, so my parents were able to devote time and resources to me. I did a lot of activities, and I was encouraged to do as much as I could in whatever it was that I pursued.

Growing up, achievement and prestige were what got me praise and validation. But that came back to haunt me later because not everything in life has a laid-out framework like school does, where the steps are clear, where you know which boxes you need to check to succeed. Life doesn’t work that way.

Adjusting to the nonlinear, nonsequential nature of adulthood, and independent adulthood, has been a big challenge for me.

As an adult, there aren’t tests you take to see how well you’re adulting. There are no student-teacher conferences to see if you’re managing your household. There’s no end-of-the-semester grade on your parenting or your marriage. Everyone just does what works for them, on their own.

A second big challenge has been making peace with struggle. Since I was naturally good at so many things, I didn’t learn to tolerate being bad at stuff for very long. It’s not that I didn’t have to work hard — I worked plenty hard in school — but struggle was not something that I was celebrated for.

Hard-won gradual improvement — which as an adult I value highly — was never something I ever got any praise for, or any attention for as a child. It’s a skill that I have only learned in adulthood.

The third big challenge is that, as a child, I was constantly being told that I was going to grow up and do big things. By literally everyone. My extended family and all my teachers told me, “You’re going to do so much, you’re going to go so far, you can do anything you want — anything you set your eyes on.” Basically, I thought I was going to cure cancer and be everyone’s favorite person in the entire world.

It’s not that I had a big ego. If anything, I was negative and perfectionistic about myself. But underneath all the negativity and perfectionism, I really did expect of myself that I would do something as an adult that would warrant widespread recognition from other people, because that’s what I thought I had been bred to do.

Spoiler alert, that’s not what happened. I’ve had to redefine success, and it’s really influenced the way I parent my own children. If they are succeeding, I celebrate their success, but I think the ingredients of that success are equally important, if not more so, than the success itself.

I’m still affected by my conditioning to admire achievement. But at least I can say I also admire deeper, tougher, realer, and less celebrated “achievements.” For instance, people who can parent without being affected by anger. Or people who care for aging parents and kids at the same time. People who raise children with special needs. People in marriages for 50 years. People who live with significant adversity and don’t succumb to depression, and even manage to be happy.

The value of human life shouldn’t be measured by one’s ability to achieve. There’s intrinsic value to human life, no matter a person’s natural gifts. And that’s what I hope to teach my children and continue to learn myself.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 841)