This question has as much to do with Purim as it does with shalom bayis

Dear TLC:

I have very strong negative feelings about my kids drinking, smoking, or vaping on Purim and all year round... because I know firsthand how damaging it is. My husband drinks and vapes regularly, and he’s not open to changing. Is it inevitable that my young children are going to end up on this path?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

It’s important to shield your child from tension and criticism within your marriage, especially when you have a high-stakes disagreement.

This question has as much to do with Purim as it does with shalom bayis. Children live in the space between their parents’ values, and when that space becomes fractured, they feel it immediately. In marriage and parenting, clarity and alignment matter.

How is a parent supposed to transmit values when the other parent is not on the same page?

There is no simple formula here. When the two adults are modeling different standards, the child will inevitably absorb both messages. And if the father is not buying into your concerns, and especially if his behavior is consistent with what the broader culture normalizes, it becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible, to shield your child from that influence.

Sometimes, in our effort to protect a child from a specific behavior like vaping, we risk creating a larger wound by highlighting or deepening a rift between parents. A child who senses tension, criticism, or disrespect between his mother and father may internalize something far more destabilizing than exposure to a bad habit. Shalom bayis is not a side issue; it is the emotional ecosystem in which a child grows.

That does not mean surrendering your values. It means the first avodah is not only with the child, it is with your husband. Some parents may understand vaping to be so dangerous that it warrants zero tolerance. I am not a medical professional, and I would encourage each person to do his or her own research using responsible sources. But even if you conclude that it is highly dangerous, your ability to influence what happens in the home will remain limited, as long as maintaining a committed and loving marriage is also one of your core values.

The first step is a private, calm, and respectful conversation, not in the heat of frustration, not in front of the child, and not framed as “you’re wrong.” Rather: “I’m worried about our son. Can we think this through together?” The goal is not to win. The goal is to find alignment or at least a workable middle ground.

In a marriage of two healthy people who have their children’s best interests at heart, you should be able to find a solution you can both live with. If this is not the case, you should seek guidance from someone who understands the nuances of your situation to get hadrachah that takes all the details into account.

If you can approach it as a shared challenge rather than as a personal critique, you have a far greater chance of building consensus. Sometimes involving a rav, a trusted mentor, or an outside voice can be helpful, not to arbitrate who is right, but to facilitate a conversation that may otherwise feel charged.

Ultimately, children are shaped not only by the specific behaviors they see, but by the unity, or disunity, of the home. The long-term strength of your message will depend far more on whether it is delivered in partnership than on how forcefully it is delivered alone.

This is delicate terrain. Protect your values, but protect your marriage too.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Wishing better for your children is good for them. The trick is sharing that message without being hypocritical.

Being a menahel and trying to help parents and talmidim navigate the world around them is a challenging enough job. Being a shalom bayis mediator and therapist is not something I have any interest in pursuing. I say that at the onset to be clear that I will not even attempt to address how your husband’s habits may be affecting your shalom bayis. How do you as a spouse deal with his unwillingness to change the parts of his lifestyle that in your view are damaging to those around him? These are difficult scenarios that require proper guidance.

Now back to my lane. (My wife does complain that I sometimes do not pay attention to the road and that I unwittingly veer into the other lane. Hey, at least I’m trying.) We all want our children to thrive and excel. Most healthy parents want their children to be better at everything in life than they are. We hope that they avoid some of the mistakes we’ve made and improve to become way above what we are. So the mere notion of trying to have our children not struggle with the same things that we do is a noble idea and worth pursuing.

With that in mind, here is the tricky part. Being vulnerable and sharing with our children some of our challenges and weaknesses as a way of inspiring them is brave and can be very productive.

Some examples: “I refused to get help in Gemara as a kid and still struggle today as a result. I want more for you!”

“You’re right, Mimi. Balancing the kids and davening is hard for me and I don’t always make it to shul for Rosh Chodesh bentshing. But I watch you daven and I envy your connection to tefillah. Please daven for both of us.”

“Yes, I am a Mets fan. But it’s not my fault. I was forced into it by my older brother. Please, for the sake of your wellbeing, root for the Yankees.” ( Who says self-therapy can’t be included in a TLC column?)

But it’s easier said than done. Too often we don’t share enough of our own challenges with our children and instead just demand a certain behavior from them even though we fail to meet those standards. Preaching to our children to do one thing while we do just the opposite is not only hypocritical, it’s counterproductive.

It becomes even more challenging when there may be a disagreement between the parents on a specific issue.

So, here is my advice. Whether your husband changes his lifestyle or not, the two of you have to figure out a way to give the message to your children that is not hypocritical. If your husband understands that this is a struggle for him, even if he’s not actively working on it right now, then I do believe there is a pathway to inspire your children to live a different lifestyle. However, if he thinks that his constant vaping and drinking are totally acceptable and has no issues with his kids following suit, then I have no advice to offer without leaving my lane.

Bait not taken. (I hope my wife is proud.)

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Rosh Mosad of Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1101)