The more a parent communicates her true thoughts and feelings, the more a child has the opportunity to learn to do the same

Q

I need some help with the unhealthy (and unsatisfying) relationship I have with my daughter. My daughter is a wonderful, caring 20-year-old. However, her form of connecting and communicating with me has been primarily by asking for things. This has been going on since about eighth or ninth grade. She asks for things to the point where I feel like every time she sees my face she’s thinking, “What else can I request from Mom today?”

I’ve tried to approach her with positivity and humor, with ignoring and with gentleness in my attempts to handle this. I hoped that over time it would get better. At this point, there is no relationship other than what I can give her. She doesn’t share much about her life and basically seems to be dorming in my home. It’s constantly about whether I can buy her this and that, and allow her to go wherever she wants at all times — taking her, bringing her, arranging for her, and so on. I understand that there are different kinds of Love Languages. But this just doesn’t feel like any kind of love at all. Is there something I can do to change the dynamic?

A

All good adult relationships are two-way streets, including those between parents and their adult children. The relationship you have with your daughter feels “transactional” rather than interpersonal. She asks for things and you’re supposed to deliver. Rather than seeing you as a person with whom she could be enjoying a true relationship, she sees you as a provider, a means to an end.

You say that this has been going on for many years, since she was a young teen. I’m guessing that, like many parents, you expected that your daughter would, as she grew older, just naturally realize that you were a person rather than a dispenser. Unfortunately, you’ve seen that this isn’t always the case.

In fact, it’s possible that you yourself accidentally encouraged this one-way dynamic in the relationship. This can happen when a parent lovingly gives. And gives. And gives and gives, asking nothing in return. Did you perhaps do that? This sort of parental behavior is appropriate only between parents and tiny children. By the time a child goes to school, he’s ready to make a card or gift for Mommy’s birthday or bring his father a glass of water for his cough and so on.

Parents need to invoke their own and their spouse’s human vulnerability, helping children to see that they are real people with real feelings. (“Mommy is very tired. Why don’t you tell her that you’ll read the kids’ bedtime stories tonight? I know she’d really appreciate that.”)

Reciprocity needs to be taught and reinforced, with increasing expectations as the children grow older. By the time they’re teens, they’re hopefully peeling potatoes with you on Erev Shabbos while you’re both chatting about your real interests and concerns. Of course, as the parent, you aren’t asking your adolescent youngster for advice. But you can certainly be sharing something you experienced or learned that was interesting, funny, inspiring, or otherwise suitable for connecting and bonding.

The more a parent communicates her true thoughts and feelings, the more a child has the opportunity to learn to do the same. Yes, some kids (for biological reasons) won’t share no matter what the parent does. But most will.

Whether or not any of that happened between you and your daughter, you’re asking what you can do now. I’d suggest that you start the sharing game. You share first. Tell your daughter an interesting dilemma you faced and share how you felt about it, what you did about it, and what the outcome was. Ask her if she ever went through something like that. Or, share a news article with your daughter and share your feelings about it — your thoughts, ideas, fears, upset, whatever is real for you — and then ask her how she feels about it.

You too can learn about her by sharing your thoughts and feelings about so many different topics. You don’t have to share details of your lives (where you went, who you saw, who you spoke to, what was said). Many older children need to claim their privacy on their way to adulthood and specifically don’t want to bond by sharing the details of their activities. This alternative way of getting close may be just what the doctor ordered!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 916)