Sometimes it's hard to Love a Child

A person could clash with anyone — a coworker a relative a neighbor. It’s understandable that a person would occasionally or even frequently clash with his or her spouse. But no one expects a mother to clash with her child. It seems “unnatural” and possibly unforgivable.

I just don’t like her. She screams at me and everyone else in the house. Everything has to be her way or we’re all in trouble. I can’t wait for her to grow up and leave home.

Children like everyone else can be likeable or unlikeable. In fact the characteristics that others find appealing exist in people of any age from babies to the elderly. Children and adults with calm energy and ready smiles kind words generosity and patience are pleasant for us to be around. Those who convey acceptance and approval make us feel welcomed comfortable and safe.

On the other hand negative traits repel us. No one enjoys the company of an angry demanding or aggressive child or adult. It doesn’t matter whether we moved next door to such a person or gave birth to him we don’t like him.

Mothering a Monster

When a child has a truly unpleasant character a mother faces enormous challenge. Knowing how important mother-love is the woman usually feels tremendous guilt in lacking it. She wants to love this child but can’t bring her heart to do it; she knows that the child knows how she feels. It’s hard after all to suppress the signals that leak through skin tone minute facial muscles and the pupils of the eye. And of course the communication isn’t always so subtle. This child provokes excessive criticism and parental anger. The child feels the rejection and the mother is keenly aware of it.

In addition to feeling guilty a mother feels a deep sense of loss. Where is her daughter? Where is the funny delightful child who was supposed to bring more joy and companionship into the home? It’s not only the child who is losing out emotionally but also the parent. The mother feels other emotions too: anger at the child for being impossible; anger at herself for not being nicer and more patient; fear for the future; resentment over the impact this child is having on the rest of the family; feelings of confusion sadness overwhelm and despair. It’s really challenging to raise a difficult child.

Facing the Challenge

Although parents may get caught up in a web of negative interactions with their difficult-to-like child they are rarely the cause of the child’s difficulty. Rather a child is born with vulnerabilities that lead to difficult personality traits. Tendencies to be demanding stubborn explosive reactive or dramatic are all inborn. They can arise out of personality characteristics linked to genes and they can also be the result of various mental health conditions.

Babies and children influence their caregivers; an easy child tends to bring out the best in a parent while a difficult child tends to bring out the worst. Parents become more critical and less warm toward unlikeable children which tends to reinforce the unlikeable characteristics. However even the most patient and loving parent cannot just turn a difficult child into a pleasant easygoing one.

Parents of unlikeable children need plenty of compassion — both for themselves and for their child. They need to accept that it is neither their fault nor their child’s fault that getting along is so difficult. With fault and blame removed both parental guilt and parental anger tend to diminish. This allows the parent to relate to the child more effectively. Healthy parenting strategies can more readily be employed. The parent can limit criticism and complaints speak in a respectful way establish fair and healthy boundaries and offer positive feedback even when the child continues to be argumentative demanding and self-centered. The parent can concentrate more on parenting well and less on the current state of the relationship.

Over time — sometimes over a long period of time — this helps soften some of the difficulties and even helps soften the child. The child has the benefit of experiencing healthy communication strategies which can help him or her significantly in the long run. Parents can be proud of a complex job well-done even as they continue to pray for Hashem to ease the way for this youngster and eventually restore peace and joy to the parent-child relationship.