Moonwalk: Chapter 17
| June 24, 2020Ma has a huge smile. “Libby, isn’t this wonderful?” she gushes. “Finally, a clear solution"
As told to Rochel Samet
The sun is so bright.
Ma opened the curtains this morning, letting light flood into my prison cell – my bed. I squint, shift position, wince from pain.
It’s been two days since I woke up with the lower half of my body on fire, and “improvement” means I can shuffle down the hallway and back. No stairs.
I hear quick footsteps and voices, and my parents appear.
“The rheumatologist just called,” Ma says. “She may have some answers for us... we have an appointment with her this afternoon.”
It’s funny, I’ve waited so long to hear those magic words – may have some answers – but now, in the moment, I’m too burnt to believe it.
*
Dr. Parker looks at me through her glasses. Her eyes are hazel and kind. “Well, Libby, I have some news for you.”
I’m not sure if I’m meant to respond, but she is quiet, so I nod. That seems to be the right response, because she shuffles her papers and continues.
“Based on your current symptoms, and indications in the bloodwork, we have arrived at a clear answer.” She pauses. “Your joints are swollen and warm to touch, you’ve been feeling fatigued for months, the inflammatory markers in your blood are high and both the ANA and Anti-DS-DNA are highly positive.”
I don’t understand anything she’s saying. Is this the news? That I’m fatigued and my joints hurt?
Her voice becomes significant. “So altogether, this makes it pretty clear. Libby, you have a condition called lupus.”
“Is that… is that cancer?” I stutter.
Dr. Parker smiles. “No. Lupus is an autoimmune disease. It’s a chronic condition, it won’t go away, but it can be managed and hopefully we’ll have you feeling better.”
I try to concentrate but the words are swimming around me. My brain is trying to process. Lupus. The word sounds strange. My head spins.
“Lupus may sound very scary, but it manifests itself differently in different people, and hopefully it won’t get any worse for you. What’s happening is that your immune system, which is meant to fight foreign germs like viruses, thinks that your own DNA is foreign, so it attacks your own cells. When the condition flares up, your immune system is attacking your body heavily in a specific place. But the rest of the time, even when you’re not in terrible pain or anything, the body still feels that there is something foreign inside you, like germs or the flu. That’s what makes you feel sick and fatigued. Your body is using all its energy just to fight itself.”
I’m still nodding, but I can’t take in a word. There are tears streaming down my face. Ma squeezes my hand.
“I know this is a lot to process,” Dr. Parker says sympathetically. “But the good news is that there are medications that help, and you should start feeling improvements right away. And if the first medication doesn’t work, we’ll try something else. I’m confident we’ll find something that will make you feel better.”
I am in a daze when we schedule a follow-up appointment and leave, prescription in hand for a bunch of pills. I limp to the car; my head is a blur. What just happened?
Ma has a huge smile. “Libby, isn’t this wonderful?” she gushes. “Finally, a clear solution. It’s just a matter of some medications, and you should be back on your feet in no time!”
I don’t answer.
“Hopefully it will work really quickly, and by the time shidduchim roll around, this will be a thing of the past,” Ma continues, happily.
I blink. Shidduchim? My mind is still stuck in Dr. Parker’s small office. Lupus. Diagnosis. Chronic condition. A clear answer…
Am I supposed to be happy? Sad? Depressed? Relieved? I try to search through the fog in my brain, to feel something, anything, but as I look out of the window and the cityscape blurs before my eyes, I don’t feel anything at all.
*Names and details changed to protect privacy
(Originally featured in Teen Pages, Issue 816)
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