Husband: I can tell that something’s bothering you. You’re still upset about that conversation from last night?

Wife: Well, as a matter of fact, I am. I can’t believe the way you spoke to me!

Husband: Why can’t you just get over it? I don’t need you sulking for a week just because I said something you didn’t like.

Of course, this conversation isn’t going to end there. The wife will protest that he asked her how she was feeling and he shouldn’t have asked if he didn’t want to know. Then the husband will complain that he wanted her to stop looking so annoyed. Then they’ll fight for a few hours and not talk for a few days and then, needing to move on, they’ll start talking again and just bury their hurts in their hearts.

Where did this husband learn to tell his wife to “just get over it”? Here’s what he shared:

Husband: My parents had no patience for me when I was upset. If I ever complained about something, they’d tell me, “Get over it.” I grew up saying the same thing to my younger siblings when they whined to me that I wasn’t being fair or whatever, and now I say it to my wife when she gets miserable.

Kids Learn Their Lessons

Yes, children learn what their parents teach.

Malka’s husband, Hershel, needs a very dark room to sleep. If there’s even a crack of light seeping in under their bedroom door, it keeps him awake. Malka could sleep under a glaring light bulb if she had to, but she refuses to keep the hallway light off for Hershel. Why?

“He’s too fussy. I put up with a lot when I was a kid. If I complained to my parents, they’d tell me to just deal with it. It made me a stronger person. I’m not coddling my husband.”

Yes, Malka learned her lessons.

Confused Mom: There are times when I need to warn my children that there could be negative consequences for their behavior. I’ll say something like, “If you don’t come to bed right now, I’m not reading a story.” Or sometimes I’ll say, “We’ll go to the park when you finish cleaning up your toys.

Now my six-year-old says to me, “If you don’t read me a story, I’m not staying in bed,” or “If you give me chocolate milk, I’ll take a bath.” She’s obviously copying me, but when she does it, it sounds like she’s a bully or a manipulator or something. Am I teaching her to be a horrible person?

A Child’s Mind

Children overgeneralize when they learn new things. When a toddler learns to talk, they may call all animals “dog” at first. Eventually, they’ll learn to accurately name various four-legged creatures. Similarly, most children copy their parents’ style of discipline — whether that involves yelling, name-calling, threatening, reasoning, or begging.

At first, they’ll use their new techniques on everyone, including their parents. It will be up to parents to help the youngster learn differential criteria. For instance, you can tell your brother that you will stop playing with him if he doesn’t stop cheating, but you cannot threaten your father that you won’t do your homework if he doesn’t take you to your friend’s house right now.

It is appropriate for a parent to tell a child what to do and it is not appropriate for a child to tell a parent what to do. However, since children are little copycats, they will have to be explicitly taught this lesson.

Since children will mimic parents, parents always need to be respectful and caring. Telling a child to “just get over it” is a form of education, as is telling him to “learn to deal with it.” It’s important to think about how parental words might sound when spoken in a marital context, because they very well might be one day.

If the words would be completely unacceptable in a marital context, they usually are equally so when spoken to one’s children, with the exception of words of guidance and discipline. After all, you can and must tell a child what he can or cannot do, but you cannot give similar instructions to a spouse without causing marital trouble. Even when instructing a child, however, a kind and respectful tone will always be copy-worthy. (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 606)