Parents are constantly educating children about the world of emotions. They do this both intentionally and incidentally. Intentional emotional education occurs when parents learn a skill like “Emotional Coaching.” By reading a book or taking a course the parent learns how to name a child’s feelings as those feelings occur in everyday circumstances.

Emotional Coaching builds a “feeling words” vocabulary that helps the child fit the right label to his or her emotion thereby helping to shrink and/or release that emotion. When Mommy sees Junior’s anger she helps him discover its nuances by calling it “frustration” “irritation ” or “impatience.” She names it without judgment or condemnation. Through her dispassionate labeling she helps the child come to accept his own emotions no matter what they are. This acceptance leads to quick release meaning that the child has an effective tool for rapid self-soothing. He becomes calmer and more emotionally mature. As the latest research shows he experiences social physical and intellectual benefits from his newfound emotional intelligence.

Only Happy or Mad?

However children also learn about emotions through the parental model. How do Mother and Father express their emotions? As always the parental model has tremendous impact on the developing child. Does Father cry when he is sad? Or does he have only two states — neutral and mad? Does Mother speak about how she feels? Or does she only show it through her worried facial expression and hunched shoulders? Do the parents talk about their reactions to life’s experiences in terms of their thoughts and their feelings? Do they openly show their fear disappointment delight and confusion? Or are they careful to only display positive emotions keeping negative feelings tightly under wraps?

When parents show the full range of human feelings to their children children gain a greater comfort with their own emotions. Feelings become less dangerous as they become more familiar. On the other hand if only rage or happiness are acceptable to show within the house then children will often learn to shut off the fuller reality of their own inner experience. They simply fail to learn how to experience and express the rainbow of emotions that Hashem has planted within us to guide us on our journeys.

Parental Emotions

It is helpful for parents to acknowledge their child’s fear anger and grief. It is also helpful for parents to comfortably express their own emotions. A parent should be able to say things like “When you didn’t call I was scared! And when you finally showed up I was relieved but then I felt angry at you for putting me through all that worry. You’ve done this several times already and I feel sad that you don’t seem to care much about how this makes me feel.” Having shared his or her emotional reality the parent can certainly go on to set disciplinary measures in place (“And so from now on when you don’t call such and such negative consequence is going to occur …”).

While naming transitory negative emotions is educational and beneficial it is not helpful for a parent to display deep or chronic negative emotion. Indeed doing so alarms and even traumatizes children. Youngsters reason “If my parents cannot handle the stress of life how on earth will I ever cope with it?”

Don’t Drown

It is one thing for a parent to experience a fleeting negative emotion and quite another to be completely overwhelmed by a particular situation or to be living in a rut of unending suffering. The parent who becomes frightened to the point of hysteria over every little mishap severely frightens her child. The parent who is chronically irritable makes it seem that life is one long misery. The parent who cries at the drop of a hat seriously disturbs the child’s confidence that life can be manageable and even joyous.

And yet parents have all sorts of difficulty regulating their own emotions. What should they do about it? What should a mother do for instance if she is easily brought to tears by her child’s behavior? What should a father do if he lacks patience and frequently has fits of rage?

If they care about their children’s wellbeing such parents should do something about their own emotional imbalances. Children need parents who have emotions and who can express emotions but who are not drowning in emotions. Doing the best for one’s children means bringing oneself to better emotional balance.

Parents cannot hide their emotional imbalance in their own homes — their children live it breathe it and absorb it. Fortunately spiritual and psychological tools for attaining emotional wellbeing are available through many channels. When parents utilize such tools to bring themselves to a healthy steady state of emotional equilibrium they can offer their children the best emotional education possible.