“Now you look shtotty. Now you can go into the world”

Lana woke up early on the day of her friend’s wedding.

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?” she asks.

“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “First you have to put on makeup.”

So Lana stands in front of the mirror for an hour and applies colored chemicals that make her look like a clown. She applies moisturizer and creams, foundation and eyeliner, and mascara, and blush, and lipstick, and lip gloss, and eyeshadow, and something that looks suspiciously like a ten-year-old’s decorating supplies.

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”

“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “Now you have to straighten your hair.”

So Lana takes out blow dryers and hair irons and proceeds to blow herself away and burn a bunch of dead cells until they are straight. Then she tucks the hair behind her ears.

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”