And you feel like that’s enough?

Laya

I will be as indirect as I can because when a child knows that his parents know what he’s going through, it adds a whole new dimension of pain, and often embarrassment, too.

Chana

And sometimes speaking up could create a conflict for the married child, or have them caught in between parent and spouse. So parents stay quiet to give their child the space to work things out, and the dignity to feel that no one really knows what’s going on with them.

Estee

When one of my friends is worried about something happening with one of her marrieds, she actually approaches her child-in-law to share her concerns. It sounds counterintuitive, but she feels it keeps her from accidentally disparaging the spouse or their choices to her child.

A friend paid to fly her couple back to the US for Yom Tov. Meanwhile, they rented out their apartment in Yerushalayim — whose bill the parents were footing — and pocketed the money. How would you react?

Debbie

I would be afraid to say anything. It’s not worth the relationship.

Laya

Maybe they thought their parents would be okay with that, like it was an investment their parents put at their disposal?

Estee

There are couples who are supported in excess of what their actual expenses are, and some of them bank the money. There are definitely parents who are glad to be funding their kids’ nest egg, but personally? I sweat and struggle for that money, because I value their lifestyle, but I can’t afford to build them a trust fund. I would want there to be an honest conversation about the purpose of any money I give them and what the plan for it is. I’m supporting their kollel lifestyle, not an upper-middle-class existence. I’d be resentful if they were wasting my support on extravagances, like dinners out and jewelry that I don’t fargin myself, but I still wouldn’t be comfortable speaking up.

It sounds like a lot of you are parenting your marrieds very differently than you were parented. What do you think that stems from?

Chana

My take is that a lot of today’s parenting is fear-based. I don’t think our parents spent a lot of time worrying about whether we were going to have a relationship with them. That wasn’t even a question. And I think that today, we do worry about that, because disengaging from your parents has become an option. Some of our children see familial relationships as optional. Of course, deep down, every child wants their parents’ love and approval, but cutting contact with parents is on the table today. And I think that as parents, that’s much more terrifying to us than it is to them.

That’s a sobering thought.

Ilana

Yes! A big area of shame in my life is that I don’t speak to my mother, by choice. Even though it’s a decision I made with daas Torah, I have this constant worry — maybe I didn’t explain the situation well enough? Maybe I should try again? What if my kids take this as a license to pin all their grievances on me? I find articles about parental alienation very triggering, and it for sure impacts my decisions.

Debbie

My generation had no expectations. We were grateful for whatever we got. But we spoiled our children. Somehow, we’ve created a culture of needs and expectations. Parents feel a pressure to fulfill those needs, whether from fear of rejection, or from concerns about projecting the right image, or maybe from internal pressures.

Chana

It’s not a completely negative change, though.

When we were newly married, we were left to fend for ourselves much more, and we grew into that independence, often proudly. But there’s a price to be paid for every style. And the upside of pampering our children, as is much more common today, instead of tossing them to the wolves, is that it creates an intimacy. There’s a closeness in the relationship that comes from them feeling nurtured and cared for. It’s not a black and white, either/or, but I definitely made a conscious decision as a parent that emotional intimacy was a higher value to me than independence.

Are there moments when I see my kid do something irresponsible and say, “Yikes, did I mess up?” Yes. But you have to remember, it’s a long-term approach with ramifications that last for a lifetime, and you can’t judge by isolated or short-term experiences.

Are you happy with the outcome? Are we raising better kids — however you measure “better”?

Chana

People like to call the younger generation spoiled, but they also have some amazing strengths. Many of us are watching our children parent mindfully and with intention. Where the postwar generation parented from trauma, and our generation may have overcompensated, it seems like this generation is finding the space and permission to parent from a place of health. We don’t always agree with what they do, and sometimes their needs or boundaries can hurt or frustrate us, but we see that they are putting enormous resources and thought into their parenting.

You mentioned that you prioritize closeness over obligation. Does that make you one of the gang in your children’s homes, or an honored guest who only comes by invitation? Do you drop in unannounced?

Laya

I hate going to my kids for Shabbos or Yom Tov. It makes me feel like a guest instead of a parent.

Ilana

My couple is so careful with their money that I’m afraid to take even a cornflake from their house. I’m like, no, you keep your own, I brought my own cornflakes.

Penina

Am I the odd one out? I would totally help myself to a Diet Coke from my child’s fridge without asking.

Chana

When my children walk into my house and they help themselves to whatever they want, it’s the ultimate sign of validation for me. I did something right to make them feel so comfortable. I think it does more for me than it does for them.

Bracha

It’s also much easier if they help themselves than if I have to ask, ”Do you want this? Do you want that?” I always say, “Just take what you want and clean up after yourself. As long as I can’t tell, do whatever you want.”

Ilana

And label the brownies “asparagus” if you want them to last until Yom Tov.

Debbie

All that’s in your house. Too much closeness in their house is overstepping. I would never just walk in without calling before or checking in by text to make sure it’s a good time. I would never open the refrigerator.

Chana

The flip side is that when parents or in-laws are super-careful not to “overstep” to the point where they never open a cabinet or fridge when they’re in their daughter’s or daughter-in-law’s home, it can create distance and discomfort. It also might mean that the daughter-in-law has to wait on them hand and foot because they won’t even make themselves a coffee. So the extreme “respect for boundaries” could end up backfiring.

Can’t win, eh?

Estee

No matter how careful you are, you can always manage to hurt someone. It’s like a lot of life — one person’s careful boundaries feels like distance to another person, and another person’s effusive warmth might feel like an invasion of privacy. I know I feel bad for always judging my mother-in-law — I felt resentful when I schlepped to her and she didn’t help me at all with the kids, but when she did go all out, I found myself feeling invaded and my space violated. And with time and perspective, I’ve learned that the issue was me and my oversensitivity, not anything she objectively did wrong.

Bracha

Our daughters-in-law will always judge us. And that comes with the territory. When my first son got married, my mother said to me, “You have a lot of children. You know how to open your heart to welcome another child and another child and another child. Your daughter-in-law is just one more to you. But she has just one mother. Respect that.”

And that’s guided me throughout. Yes, whatever I do will be scrutinized. Because it’s much harder to add another mother to your life than another daughter. So I will live with that imbalance and try hard to take the high road.

Chana

It’s not just daughters-in-law. At the end of the day, in a healthy relationship, a parent just loves a child more than a child loves a parent, and it’s an inherently imbalanced relationship. And the potential for miscommunication and resentment is very strong. We can feel that we’re giving and doing and being so careful, but our children will judge us. And they’ll never truly understand how deeply we care about their lives, and how much we hope to be a welcome presence.

Baruch Hashem, I attended my third granddaughter’s kiddush recently. The first two were named after mine and my husband’s grandmothers. This time, they announced the baby’s name and it was completely foreign to me. Then people came up to me, saying comments like, “Oh, such a beautiful name. Who’s she named after?” And I’m like, “I have no idea.” I felt so small at the kiddush, and it was such a painful experience. I was smiling and smiling, but it hurt. I know they don’t owe me any explanations, but I felt so dismissed.

How do you keep from feeling resentful or burned out when four families with able-bodied parents are relaxing in the playroom while you’re washing the dishes after the seudah? Or when they expect help with a down payment and you haven’t been able to afford to paint in 20 years?

Ilana

Like when you buy your chassan’s kallah all the standard gifts, and she gets jewelry that’s nicer than anything you got as a kallah or throughout 25 years of marriage?

Estee

Or like when your cute newlywed couple needs to come to you for Shabbos to recuperate from their post-Yom Tov vacation? I don’t know if that breeds resentment or if I just laugh that they seem to live on a different planet than we did.

It’s not like I want them to have tough times. I just think that a lot of my peer group had little parental support and we’re compensating by doing whatever we can to make it easier for our kids, but it can be challenging when you see the massive difference in standards between what you had to deal with and what our kids find soooo hard.

Yes, exactly. It’s not hard to give what you never got?

Bracha

You only feel resentment when you have expectations — of behavior, gratitude, help, etc. If you lower your expectations, you’ll lower the resentment.

Laya

Right — you have to be realistic. We have a Yiddish expression, “Nachas comes with noise and mess.”

Debbie

Cleaning help.

Chana

Cleaning help.

Bracha

I consider any resentment my own private issue. It doesn’t reflect anything. If I’m struggling with resentment, then I have to deal with it internally. I don’t look at it like the kid’s doing anything wrong. It means I have to do some inner work. And sometimes the inner work is getting more cleaning help.

Laya

A couple of years ago, I had a complete paradigm shift. When I was younger, everything had to be perfect. My couples would come and find a magazine and candies on the night table, everything would be picture-perfect. But I realized, as the family grew, that I was giving myself back pain, and I simply couldn’t keep up that standard of perfection multiplied by all my married kids, kein ayin hara.

Everyone has something bad to say about their mother-in-law; I figured I’d make it easier for them to find something. I no longer strive for perfection. My smile and welcome are still there, but the hotel-like details aren’t. I buy their treats, but don’t offer them on the same silver platter.

Debbie

A few years ago, I began a habit that whenever a family comes for Shabbos, I have them bring at least one dish. It’s good for everyone. It eases my load, but it also builds the feeling of give and take, making the relationship less lopsided. And they feel so good giving.

Laya

I have a mantra: Even if you serve empty plates, do it with a smile. You don’t have to be a superwoman and cook all different types of gourmet foods if you’ll be a grouch about it. Serve less, but whatever you do, do it with a smile.

Debbie

I think it’s crucial to know your limits and be honest and upfront about them. If you say it with love, no one needs to be hurt that you can’t help them with the mortgage or host them on a hard week. Pushing yourself past what you can really do is what causes resentment to fester.

I heard Rabbi YY Jacobsen say that the reason today’s kids struggle religiously is also the reason their generation will bring Mashiach — they don’t want hypocrisy, they want truth. They won’t settle for insincerity. I think openness and straight talk can help a lot with expectations in a family, too.

Estee

 It’s hard for people to let their kids down. I was once talking to my mother about a different sibling that was still coming for Pesach with many kids, a very large group. And she was saying, could someone tell her that it’s time for her to start making Pesach? But she couldn’t tell her herself, it was too hard to break the news. Because she so much wanted to give and be there for her daughter.

What about money? Does the financial pressure get to you?

Estee

I feel pressure to give my kids learning in Israel as much as I can. One manicure for me is the week’s groceries for them. I feel funny getting a manicure when they don’t go out to eat and scrimp on groceries. Still, while I feel bad not offering more, I need to save for my other kids and for my own needs. I don’t think I’m required to support them in the same upper-middle-class lifestyle that I lead, but it’s a tough balancing act — figuring out what level of support is appropriate and still considering my own needs.

Laya

When one of my sons was engaged, people were encouraging me to get the kallah this expensive bridal lace tablecloth, which even eight to ten years ago cost $500. And I asked myself, why? Will she appreciate how much I spent? Will she even like my taste? In the end, I bought it for myself and enjoyed it for many years. You can’t forget about yourself. With no life experience, kids often don’t appreciate what we are getting them. You have to make sure to take care of your own needs, too.

Would you consider married children’s simchah expenses your need or theirs?

Debbie

Someone once told me that making a wedding is Gehinnom — Gown, Hair, Nails, Makeup.

Penina

When my kids come from Lakewood for Yom Tov, I offer them my credit cards — go to the bakery, go to the pizza shop, whatever. They’re my guests, and that’s what my parents did. They were very generous that way, and I do the same.

If I’m making a simchah, then I’ll pay for my married kids’ gowns, their makeup, whatever it is. This is all part of our simchah expenses, and I feel very strongly about that.

Chana

Not all of us can afford to let our kids have our credit cards like that.

Yaffa

I think the main thing here is to be clear and honest with your children. Tell them what you can do for them and what you can’t, and then they can work with the information they have. Especially in a case where the “family look” is important to the parents, their children might make certain calculations or purchases (like renting gowns for the children, etc.) with the assumption that the parents will pay, and if they don’t, it becomes very tense and frustrating.

How do you balance the needs of your single children at home with those of the marrieds?

Ilana

It’s tough because I have a single daughter at home who’s exactly the same age as my daughter-in-law. And here I’m busy keeping my mouth shut and my pocketbook open, but am I doing the same for my daughter? She’s 23, she’s mature, she has a job and a bank account, but she still lives in my home so I still feel like I should be “parenting” her.

I wish she’d get married already just so I can make them even.

Penina

We think so carefully before saying anything to our marrieds, and we weigh the relationship so delicately. And then the single is like, “Can I get my ProAddiction $300 hair straightening thingy?” And you want to help your single kid, even though they make more money than you do, because they don’t have to pay rent. But you have obligations to your marrieds. And it becomes really tricky because you want the singles to feel that they’re not being ignored, that they’re taken care of, and you still want to give the marrieds just as much because you love them and they’re working their brains out and doing the best they can, and it’s hard to make everybody happy!

Laya

The singles come first and they know it. I won’t host if I have to move my teenagers out of their rooms, unless they want it.

Sounds like as delicate as relationships with married children are, adding singles to the mix just adds another layer of complexity.

Penina

No question, we’re stretched thin. We’re pulled in a lot of different directions.

Chana

I think for some women, the challenge is being stuck between two generations. These women worked hard to please, and likely take care of, their own parents, and went from pleasing their parents to pleasing their children. Some of us are wondering how our turn somehow got missed.

At the same time, many parents raised in the previous generation want to do it differently. We’re excited to give our children what we never had.

So your parenting is heavily colored by your own experiences.

Ilana

Absolutely. And the amazing thing is, as a generation, we’ve chosen to build homes where children feel seen, secure, and loved. Sometimes we say “No,” because we can’t or won’t help with something, but if there’s any theme that emerged from this schmooze, it’s that we aim for healthy dynamics. Parents are cognizant of their parental roles, and are eager to model healthy relationships and give kids the space to grow up into parents themselves.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 862)