Aaron is confused. Does his wife love him or hate him? He just doesn’t know. But considering the extremes of the two possibilities how is it possible that the man doesn’t know what his wife is feeling? Love is a warm emotion filled with tender care while hate is an aggressive and destructive energy. One ought to be able to sort the two out!

Good Times and Bad Times

There is a simple explanation however for Aaron’s confusion — Aaron’s wife Sari behaves in radically different ways in different situations. When things are going her way and she is not particularly stressed Sari is friendly and bubbly. Often she’ll turn to Aaron and express her heartfelt appreciation for all that he is and does. “You are the best husband ever!” she’ll exclaim. “No one has a better husband than me!” On these kinds of days Aaron knows exactly how much his wife loves him. He feels respected acknowledged and cared for.

But then there are the other days — days when Sari is tense or overwhelmed. It can happen when the kids are out of school for too many days or when she has a big project to do at work. It’s perfectly understandable that she should be on edge — anyone might feel equally tense. However if Aaron happens to do or say something the wrong way on such a day then POW Sari No. 2 appears:

“I can’t count on you for anything! I have no idea why I married you in the first place. You’re absolutely useless!” she’ll scream at the top of her lungs (regardless of how many kids are around to hear her). Maybe Aaron forgot to do an errand or maybe he had trouble putting one of the little ones to bed; whatever it was Sari’s response is a deep personal attack on him and their relationship. She feels relieved after discharging her negative energy. However Aaron now smothering in the discharge of his wife’s toxic energy feels sick in every cell of his body.

Aaron has been living with his “on-and-off” wife for eight years now. In the early years he was sure that Sari loved him; he explained her outbursts to himself as episodes of stress during which “she didn’t know what she was saying.” After a while however he began to wonder. Maybe the real message wasn’t the loving message after all. Maybe she really did hate him personally!

The more times she hurled hurtful insults at him the less trusting he felt of her loving comments. Eventually he became dead inside. Neither her praises nor her insults could touch him. He withdrew from her emotionally in order to protect himself. And that’s where he is today. He can’t say for sure what his wife feels about him. But he can say for sure that he no longer trusts her — or cares for her very much.

Confused Children

Adults aren’t the only ones who get confused about their relationships. Children can also become uncertain and for the very same reasons. Little Dini for instance can’t figure out whether her father loves her or hates her. At times she receives gentle approving even adoring attention from him. At other times however Dini experiences her father’s “other side.” For no reason that she can decipher he can be short-tempered and irritable even explosive at times. Dini is only seven and knows nothing of the adult world and its stresses. She just knows that sometimes her father is so warm and loving and other times he is rageful and terrifying. She feels loved and adored and hated and despised. She’s not sure if she’s a good girl or a bad girl. Experiencing the love-hate dynamic as “normal ” she grows up internalizing the lesson that “love hurts.” When she marries her ability to establish healthy boundaries will be compromised. She’ll never have learned that people who love each other treat each other well always even when they are stressed or tired. It might take her fifteen years of living in an adult abusive relationship — or more — before she begins to realize that bad treatment isn’t acceptable in relationships. And only after that realization will she be able to change what’s happening in her life.

Consistency

Rageful hurtful destructive communication has no place in any kind of loving relationship. Sure people will feel irritated hurt and angry at their loved ones from time to time. And yes they are allowed to express their emotions — but always with sensitivity to the person being spoken to. Being able and willing to put the brakes on one’s mouth is an essential skill for building and preserving the feeling of love in any important relationship. Use whatever resources you have — Torah study self-help or professional help — in order to acquire this ability. You owe it to yourself and your family!