When should a parent step in for teacher-student mismatches, and what’s the right way to do it?

The average frum family will likely have at least 80 mechanchim in their lives and at some point, there are bound to be teacher-student mismatches. When should a parent step in for  teacher-student mismatches, and what’s the right way to do it?

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tarting with playgroup until kindergarten, Malky’s daughter Chaya happily and eagerly went to school every day. Then came first grade. Some close friends left the neighborhood and a few new girls moved in, so the social dynamic in the class shifted and somehow Chaya became the odd one out.

After the first week of school, Malky could already see a shift in her daughter’s confidence, as well as some behavioral changes, so she called the morah to share what she was seeing at home. It took a while for them to connect on the phone, but when they finally did, it only made Malky feel worse about the situation.

“Don’t worry,” the morah said, downplaying Malky’s rising concern. “It takes girls time to get used to each other. And besides, social dynamics are always fluid in a classroom, especially a class full of girls.”

But the situation did not improve. Day after day, Chaya dragged herself into the house after school looking dejected. In the morning, she would beg her mother to stay home.

Malky sprang into action: She made special breakfasts for Chaya every morning and arranged playdates for the afternoons. Nothing seemed to help. One evening, as Malky was doing homework with Chaya, she discovered that her daughter didn’t know any of the material on the page. A bright child, Chaya had always been ahead of her peers in math and reading and was quick to learn new concepts. What was going on? Chaya eventually admitted that she never asked questions at school because she was afraid the other girls would make fun of her.

Malky made more phone calls to the teacher. Each time, the morah brushed off her concerns. “I felt like I had a depressed six-year-old walking around the house who wasn’t happy, wasn’t learning, and wasn’t being prepared to enter second grade next year. The morah gave me the impression that she didn’t care enough to do anything about it, so I called her supervisor and expressed my concerns. I asked if there was some type of special program they could run about being nice and including everyone and the supervisor thought it was a great idea. Finally, I felt a glimmer of hope that something could change.”

The next morning, however, when Malky dropped Chaya off at school, she got a very cold reception from the morah. “I thought maybe it was in my head, but the next day, it happened again,” Malky remembers. “Eventually, I asked the morah if everything was okay, and she replied, ‘You know, instead of calling my supervisor, you could try and teach your daughter some social skills.’ I was shocked into silence.”