Some basic recommendations that help make sure our feedback is helpful and not hurtful

Mindscape

Abby Delouya

H

ow to give feedback effectively and respectfully:

Whether we’re giving feedback to our spouses, children, friends, or workmates, finding that balance between expressing meaningful feedback in a kind, constructive way and being hurtful can sometimes be a nuanced challenge. It can seem easier to just keep quiet, particularly if we’re conflict avoidant, but often then when we do speak up, our pent-up feelings come out sounding harsh and critical. Similarly, if we wait until we’re completely fed up to speak up, the recipient may not understand the context, or the depth of our feelings, when this is the first they’ve heard of the issue. Alternatively, speaking up at the right time, in the right place, using strategic communication, can resolve conflicts, improve motivation, and contribute to growth.

There are several types of feedback: informal feedback, formative feedback, and performance feedback. Informal feedback is the type of feedback we probably give the most — it tends to happen naturally, and it’s often something people initiate or ask for on their own. Formative feedback is designed to help us gain skills and improve our work. It’s often not negative but can point out ways to make something even better. Performance feedback is a structured assessment used for work to assess our roles and responsibilities in the workforce.

Some basic recommendations that help make sure our feedback is helpful and not hurtful are:

1. Timing is everything: Make sure the recipient is open to hearing feedback, and keep it timely. Husband did the laundry on Sunday and you have feedback? Don’t wait until Thursday.
2. Focus on actions: If we focus on someone’s character instead of their actions, they may feel attacked or defensive.
3. Stay balanced: Use the “sandwich” approach — sandwich anything negative between two positive comments.
4. Encourage self-reflection: Deliver feedback in a way that encourages people to reflect on what they are doing. Try asking open-ended questions like, “What are some things you might do differently next time?”
5. Don’t spill over to others: Give feedback in private and without comparing anyone else. “When Chumy was your age, she was able to XYZ….”
6. Use “I” statements: When delivering negative feedback, stick to the golden I-statement rule.
7. Think: Think through what you want to say, and how, before speaking up.

Relationship Reflections: Maintaining emotional availability in relationships

Nature (genetics, personality) and nurture (environment) can dictate our emotional openness and availability. Yet even if we’re naturally super open, communicative, and emotionally available, life can take over, and we can get busy and tired. When we’re overwhelmed by different things (kids, work, busy schedules), it’s hard to maintain openness and vulnerability.

How can we change the dynamic so our communications aren’t solely pragmatic?

Allow time for conversations that extend beyond the basics. Don’t shy away from topics that may be difficult to discuss, and try to lean into the vulnerable parts of ourselves.

Try to be as protective and thoughtful as possible about your spouse’s boundaries. When you’re emotionally connected, you are thinking and caring about the other person’s boundaries — the physical, emotional, or mental ones.

Be mindful to show affection, keeping in mind that comfort levels vary from person to person.

Don’t be afraid to apologize when called for. Taking ownership of your actions shows maturity and investment in expending emotional energy.

In the News: A new study finds that young adults (ages 18 to 36) look and feel older on days that they feel more out of control of their lives. Just another negative byproduct of stress….

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice, specializing in trauma and addiction. Abby is also the COO and Director of Intake of Ray of Hope.

Letting the Light In

Sara Eisemann

“The wound is the place where the light enters you.” —Rumi

IT is no coincidence that some of the people who spread the most light in this world are those who have been deeply hurt in some way. Whether it’s through trauma, loss, or other forms of pain, these souls are transformed and they radiate goodness in a whole different way.

We never ask for pain and we don’t wish it on others. We fervently request that Hashem bring good, to ourselves and others, in a way that is not only good but feels good. Yet most people who tapped into their inner beauty will readily acknowledge that it was only through their pain that they discovered what lay within them.

They replaced judgment with compassion when they themselves saw how anything can happen to anyone. They learned to be caring when they saw how much a kind word means when you’re down and out. They learned to anticipate the needs of another when they saw just how much you need support when you’re in crisis. They began to understand the power of a well-placed dinner sent by a kind neighbor at the end of a long day. They appreciated the value of those who stand quietly at your side and became those who stand at the side of others.

Mostly, after exhausting multiple efforts to control their problem, they learned to turn to Hashem as the first response. They began to radiate the light of  deep faith because it became so deeply embedded in their bones.  And finally, they became humble, which is a gorgeous light of its own.

We don’t ask for challenges nor do we wish them on others. But when they come, and they usually do, there is great value in staying open and receiving the gifts they bring us.

Sara Eisemann, LMSW, ACSW, is a licensed therapist, Directed Dating coach and certified Core Mentor.

Mental Weight Lifting

Sarah Rivkah Kohn

There’s a lot of talk about mental strength and resilience, and a lot of that conversation points to ways successful and resilient people were raised. However, what does that mean for those who weren’t blessed enough to have that experience? Is resiliency not in their cards? Can one develop mental strength?

Psychologist Amy Morin suffered the loss of her mother, husband, and father-in-law within a two-year span at the age of 26. Terrified that she would never be able to function again,  she wrote a memo to self called 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. It spread like wildfire, and by now many iterations exist, including a book and podcast titled as such.

It successfully clued adults into a little secret: Mental strength begins with the choices we make not to engage in certain self-destructive behaviors. By working hard at saying no to certain behaviors like always feeling sorry for oneself, constantly trying to please people around us, shying away from change, resenting the success of others, etc., we can say yes to a robust life full of mental energy and strength to do so much good in the world.

Sarah Rivkah Kohn is the founder and director of Links Family, an organization servicing children and  teens who lost a parent.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 887)