Metamorphosis: Chapter 5
| April 3, 2023I feel like a total mess, but it will be okay at the end, I know it will
Perela, you’re in, we’re both in together!” Shaindy hugs me before I even get near the lists. “We’re both in the Hope Dance!”
Yay, I’m feeling hopeless and I’m going to be in the Hope Dance, I think wryly. And what’s so hopeful about this dance anyway, a bunch of girls dressed in white against a black background? Total cliché. The tornado of thoughts swirling through my mind doesn’t prevent my mouth from going on auto pilot, smiling and shrieking, and doing whatever I’m supposed to do to react to Shaindy’s news. I think that really I am excited, in a distant part of myself that’s light-years away.
I’m replaying the incident from Shabbos. I made a pony and then… then somehow my fingers brushed through some strands and a knot separated. I think I could’ve stopped my fingers midway, but I didn’t, so it was my fault.
There’s no hope for me anyway. I was mechallel Shabbos. I should’ve known better. Now I need to do teshuvah before I can think about hope, but how do I do teshuvah for such a terrible aveirah? I’m totally lost.
There’s a small voice whispering in my ear, but I can barely hear it over the other roars. “Perela, there’s hope, there’s always hope, never give up, you’ll see there will be light again….”
I think that maybe Hashem is sending me a spark in the darkness by putting me in the Hope Dance.
I feel like a total mess, but it will be okay at the end, I know it will.
We head to room 12a. A paper taped on the door says “Hope Dance.” There are about 20 girls standing around the room. No ninth graders because Concert is only for tenth and up. Two girls are lounging on desks. Most girls are in a loose knot, schmoozing easily with each other. A couple girls are shifting their feet and trying not to make eye contact with anyone.
A tall blonde girl walks over. “Hi, I’m Tehillah.” She looks down at her clipboard. “And you are…?”
“Shaindy Leitner.”
“Perela Pearlman.”
“Welcome. Get to know everyone.” She gestures vaguely around the room. “We’re starting any minute.”
The other head, Meirav, is fiddling with her MP3.
You have to do teshuvah, you have to do teshuvah. I wish I could shut off my brain like she could shut off her device. Okay, I’ll learn hilchos Shabbos every night for ten minutes.
That does it, I start to relax and just in time. Tehillah and Meirav are taking up positions to show us the dance.
The red letters on my alarm clock read 1:05 when I’m finally ready to collapse into bed. I’m about to lie down when suddenly — Oh no! Oh no! I forgot to learn hilchos Shabbos!
I’m falling asleep but I find myself putting on my robe and heading to my father’s study. I find a sefer after a ten-minute search. My eyes are drooping as I turn the pages, but I make myself reread it at least five times to make sure something is penetrating. Otherwise maybe my teshuvah won’t count.
At three in the morning I wake up lying on the open sefer. Oh no! I don’t know if I did the full ten minutes! I resolve to learn 15 minutes tomorrow to make sure, and quickly head to bed.
In the middle of my dreams I vaguely hear a loud beeping sound. My hand automatically reaches over and turns off my alarm clock.
“Perela, it’s late!”
Oh no! Those are the worst words a girl can hear after she barely slept. I can hardly pry my eyes open. Then they close again of their own accord.
“Perela!” My mother tugs at my blanket. “You already missed the bus, so I’ll have to drive you. If you’re ready in ten minutes, you’ll still be on time.”
Get ready? For school? That’s a million light-years away; all I can think of is sleep.
“I’m soooo tired,” I mumble.
to be continued…
(Originally featured in Teen Pages, Issue 956)
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