Metamorphosis: Chapter 3
| March 21, 2023I try telling my fear not to panic about panicking, but it’s like trying to talk a cat out of stalking your yard. It doesn’t listen.
I am exploding as I walk home from the bus stop.
It’s like there’s a monster hanging on to me that I can’t shake off. If I knew what I was afraid of then maybe I could reassure myself… but I’m not afraid of anything in particular. I grit my teeth and kick leaves in frustration.
When I get home, I try to explain this nightmare to my mother. I break down crying in the middle because I feel so worn. She hugs and comforts me. It warms my heart until I’m stuck in the whole torture again and feeling just as helpless. I’m getting the sense that she doesn’t really get it and my heart breaks. I can’t brave this storm on my own.
I try my father and he really doesn’t get it. “Why be worried about nothing?” he asks. I go to the bathroom and turn on the sink so I can cry. I’ve never felt so misunderstood in my life.
The next morning, as the sun pries my eyelids open, my mind scrambles to know, “Is it here?”
My heart drops to my stomach in response, and I know it is. The tears have barely dried on my face from yesterday (and the day before that and the day before that), and again I have to go through the wringer?!
I drag myself to the sink to wash my hands. Maybe I can get myself just to get dressed.
I take out a bar of chocolate for my signature rich, hot drink. The liquid tastes sweet on my tongue; my heart is bitter but the fact that I got myself up and ready sweetens it with a couple of grains of sugar. It might not tame the storm inside, but it can get me through the next minute.
I’m out of luck today. Ahuva plops down next to me on the bus and I have to glue on a smile and pretend everything’s just great.
“So how was that Navi assignment last night?” she asks.
Assignment? Which universe was that in? I’m feeling so numb inside that only a slight feeling of unease penetrates. I was in no condition to think of homework last night.
I feign normalcy. “Oh no! I was so busy that—”
Ahuva is a very good friend. “Don’t worry, I’ll help you, we’ll do it right now.”
I’m grateful for her offer because I can’t afford to be marked down again, this has been happening too often lately.
I’m feeling a little better as I walk into the building. My homework is done and the craziness inside seems to have subsided a bit. Then a fresh wave of panic hits: what if it comes back?
I try telling my fear not to panic about panicking, but it’s like trying to talk a cat out of stalking your yard. It doesn’t listen.
The school is a cacophony of noise. Shrieking and whispering, laughing and talking. It’s a wonder I can hear my brain over all that, but it’s loud and clear. I will feel horrible forever, it will never stop, it will never go away, it will never stop, it will never stop….
I drag myself up the stairs, Ahuva like a cheerful puppy yapping away at my side. It will never stop, I will always feel horrible….
As we reach the second landing it occurs to me that she’s gonna get suspicious if I don’t start acting normal. This is far from the first time I am doing this, so my mouth is getting used to schmoozing without my heart.
“What a workout,” I comment.
“I know!” she agrees. “And it’s first thing in the morning!”
“Who do we have first today? Oh, Mrs. Kershner, yay!”
“She’s the best!” Ahuva skips up a couple of steps. We go on talking about this and that until we reach the classroom and then I exclaim over the pictures of her nieces she shows me until it’s time to daven.
I want to pour my heart out to Hashem, but I can’t concentrate. Not over the beating of my heart, anyway. When I get to Shema Koleinu, I manage to elicit a single tear from my eye. The rest languish in my heart. I feel like I could cry forever and never be done.
to be continued…
(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 954)
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