“It’s embarrassing to say this, but I used to be self-centered and snobby”

Bipolar is a type of mental illness that typically has periods of mania highs and periods of depression lows. Baruch Hashem, I responded well to treatment — medication and therapy — and haven’t had an incident since. I hope and daven that Hashem will continue to keep me well. I could go on and on about the darkness and the pain and I would never run out of words to say, but that’s not what I’m gonna talk about.

“I want to focus on who I was then and who I am now. It’s embarrassing to say this, but I used to be self-centered and snobby. I would put down girls just because I could. Mostly I was arrogant because of all my gifts. I felt like it was because of me that I was smarter, prettier, and more talented than others. But all of a sudden, I saw how quickly I could lose everything and how fragile humans are. I saw that I wasn’t invincible and couldn’t take anything for granted.

I also was vulnerable and dependent on others. Some people were caring and supportive and some weren’t. I knew I wanted to be like those in the first category. I slowly began to grow, and I want to just tell you that I am who I am only because of my bipolar.”

The applause was deafening.

Ten months later

“I can say for sure that Meirav’s speech was the turning point in my journey of overcoming the stigma within myself,” I tell Adina, a ninth grader Miss Lev put me in touch with. Adina is struggling with Major Depressive Disorder. She’s been making tremendous progress in therapy but there’s a type of support that only a friend can give and that’s what I’m here for. Sometimes we just cry together.

Today, we’re having a DMC about the stigma surrounding mental illness and overcoming the shame. “I saw this legend of a girl and then it turns out that she actually has bipolar, and not only that, but that’s how she became who she is now. Before that she said that she was a total snob!”

“I can’t believe she was so open about it,” Adina murmurs. “I wish I could talk about MDD without cringing inside, even just to someone who knows about it already.”

“It takes time,” I tell her. I had made the decision to tell Ahuva only recently.

We sit in silence.

Then she watches me fingering my butterfly pendant. She looks deep in thought.

“When Miss Lev gave me a butterfly necklace together with the whole lesson that it’s specifically the struggle that enables us to fly, I was not ready for it,” Adina tells me. “I felt so invalidated that I almost threw it out. But now I think I’m going to start wearing it sometimes. It’ll remind me that my pain can bring growth to myself and support for others. After all, Perela, if not for your struggles, you wouldn’t have been able to be there for me. I’m also going to take my challenges and use them to impact others.”

The End

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 966)