As an older single, I didn’t know if I was technically considered “barren” 

"Moshivi akeres habayis, eim habanim semeichah — He returns the barren woman to her home as a joyous mother of children.”

Ever since I read the commentary at the bottom of my siddur, that line in Hallel always jumps out at me whenever I say it or hear it sung in shul. Why is the language of “return” used? He explained: A barren woman has no reason to stay home, so she goes out to take care of business and whatnot; once she has been blessed with children, she “returns” to the home to care for her offspring.

As an older single, I didn’t know if I was technically considered “barren.” “Older singlehood” is considered an issue different from those struggling with infertility, but in actuality, being spouseless also means no children.

The yearning within isn’t only triggered by the sight of freshly wed young couples, bright-eyed with hope and promise, but spotting hassled parents dealing with drooling babies and fussy toddlers and whining four-year-olds can incite a similar level of longing.

Since I was “unencumbered,” I was “free” to go to shul. I was usually first in the ladies’ section every Shabbos, timing my arrival with the end of Pesukei D’zimra, singing along to “Kel Adon.” On Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, I was first as well, ready to hear my father or brother as baal Shacharis.

Makeup, done. Blown hair, check. Chic outfit, but of course. My one hiccup those mornings was dithering over shoes: Which pair coordinated best and was also up for the challenge of standing for hours?

The mothers of little ones, however, have to calculate and toil from dawn onward to make it to shul on time for shofar blusen. They sidle in, harried, trying in vain to keep their gurgling infants from yanking at their sheitels, shushing the youngsters — to no effect, desperately bribing them all with prepared snacks. As soon as the last blast fades, they hurry out with their chaotic, crumb-dusted brood.

That’s what I davened for. Year after year after year.