How I learned — the hard way — to recognize the warning signs of manipulation

“If you take the time to learn how manipulation works, it is less likely that you will be caught off guard when confronted with it because you will know what to look for. The mystery will be gone.”

—Dr. Harriet Braiker, Who’s Pulling Your Strings?

I’m the ultimate people pleaser. When I got married, my husband said to me, “It’s like you walk around with a sign on your forehead that says, ‘Take advantage of me.’ ”

And that’s how Chaya was able to walk all over me — to take advantage of me, to manipulate me. But in the process, I learned to recognize the warning signs of manipulation. I learned how to tell the difference between someone who’s in need and someone who exploits the goodness of others for their own personal gain.

And that’s why I’m sharing my experience: so that you can learn, too.

One sunny Tuesday afternoon at the beginning of the school year, my nine-year-old daughter, Tali, was invited to a classmate’s house to play. She came home with a chunk of homemade slime. It smelled delicious, like expensive hair conditioner.

“Mindy has so many toys,” my daughter told me. “I played with so many things.”

Mindy’s mother, Chaya, messaged me later that night.

Chaya: Hi, I’m Chaya, Mindy’s mother. I wanted to tell you how nicely the girls played together. They really kept themselves busy. They even put on a play, which Mindy loves doing, and I saw that Tali really likes to do that, too.

Me: It’s such a blessing when the kids play nicely on their own.

Chaya: Absolutely. Mindy is an only child and feels very alone. When I see she has a friend over who she plays nicely with, it makes me so happy.

Chaya was setting the tone of the relationship: she was a “victim,” the needy one, someone to feel compassion for, and that would color every one of our interactions.

My heart twisted. An only child! How painful.

Chaya sounded so warm and friendly in that interaction. I felt a small thrill. We were new to the community, and I felt left out on the park bench and when I waited outside school to pick up my kids. Had I just found a friend?

Mindy invited my daughter over a few more times, and each time, Chaya and I would text each other and chat afterward. When I reciprocated the invitation, Chaya explained that as an only child, Mindy was very shy and didn’t like to go over to other people’s houses.

This was a bit inconvenient for me because it meant I had to go out to drop my daughter there and pick her up, but I’m also quite shy, so I understood Mindy’s reluctance to come over.

From the beginning, Chaya created a situation where the relationship had to be on her terms because they were the “victims” — her daughter, Mindy, the shy girl without any siblings.