“If you continue for just a few more sessions, however, you could have a great marriage”

For almost 20 years, Dov was under the impression that he and his wife, Chevy, had a good marriage. Then, one day, in what seemed to Dov to be an out-of-the-blue flareup, Chevy unloaded a torrent of complaints that Dov felt were somewhat exaggerated.

What bothered Dov the most, however, were not the charges Chevy leveled against him, per se. Rather, he was shaken by the fact that his wife had harbored so many resentments for so long without giving him any indication that she was unhappy.

Dov took that episode as a very loud wakeup call that his marriage was not as stable and secure as he had thought. The next day he suggested to Chevy that they seek marital counseling. And to his surprise, Chevy readily agreed.

I met with Dov and Chevy weekly for a couple of months, after which they resolved many of the areas of conflict that had caused so much stress in their relationship. Then, at the start of the next session, I told them that I felt they were almost ready to end their sessions with me.

“What makes you say that?” Dov wanted to know.

“You’ve both come a long way since we started working together,” I replied. “More specifically, I’ve seen that you’re now able to civilly criticize each other, without exaggerating or attacking. And you’re both able to listen empathically to each other’s complaints, without becoming defensive. You now have what I would consider to be a good marriage. If you continue for just a few more sessions, however, you could have a great marriage.”

“What do we still need to learn?” Chevy asked.

“What I have noticed during our meetings,” I pointed out, “is that it seems to be difficult for both of you to express positive feelings toward each other.”

Dov and Chevy exchanged embarrassed smiles as they nodded to each other in agreement.

I then went on to explain that expressing positive feelings (i.e., gratitude, appreciation, affection and admiration) is the lubrication that allows all of the moving parts in any relationship to run smoothly. In addition, I noted that a generation or two ago, people were more comfortable expressing criticism than praise. As a result, we grew up hearing more complaints from parents, mechanchim, and neighbors than we heard compliments. For that reason, negative feelings are easier for most of us to express than positive ones. Nevertheless, with practice, couples can become more comfortable expressing positive feelings to each other.

Dov objected, saying that he believed praise and compliments could encourage the awful middah of gaavah. “It’s just not the Torah way,” he concluded, shaking his head.

I countered by citing the Noam Elimelech’s tefillah, “Put it in our hearts that we should see the good qualities in everyone and not their deficits” (my own translation of the ArtScroll Sefard Hebrew siddur, p. 8). And then I quoted from Eishes Chayil, “Let her children get up and praise her, her husband, and compliment her” (Mishlei 31:28).

Dov’s opposition seemed to soften as he asked what I had in mind. I then suggested the following ten-minute exercise for them to practice every night.

The Ten-Minute Exercise

Select a ten-minute slot every night that is mutually acceptable to both spouses. Turn off all cell phones and instruct any other family members who may be awake and at home that they should not interrupt you unless it is an emergency. Then shut the door and begin the positive-feeling expression session.

Alternate who goes first as the speaker. The other spouse is the listener. The speaker expresses some positive feeling toward the listener for two or three minutes, while the listener reflects, meaning that he or she repeats in their own words, whatever the speaker says. For the remainder of the first five minutes, the listener asks the speaker clarifying questions. Then the couple switches roles with the speaker becoming the listener and the listener becoming the speaker for the next five minutes.

If the speaker has difficulty coming up with a positive feeling to express, he or she can try to answer any of the following questions:

Did your spouse say something to you recently that made you feel good in any way?

Does your spouse do something special for you that is intended to please you?

Did your spouse do a favor for you that you appreciated but did not yet adequately thank him or her for it?

Does your spouse have a skill or talent that you especially admire?

Is there a personality or character trait about your spouse that you especially appreciate?

Did your spouse handle a recent event at home or outside in a way that made you feel proud?

Is there something your spouse consistently does that means a lot to you or helps you greatly, even though you do not mention it nearly as often as you should?

If the listener has difficulty coming up with questions, he or she can try asking any one of the following questions:

What is it that you liked most about that?

How did that make you feel? Try to describe or label the feeling.

Have I ever made you feel that way before?

When I did (or said) that, what did you feel like saying to me at that time?

How did it feel for you to tell me that just now?

After another couple of weeks, during which Dov and Chevy conducted the ten-minute exercise both in my office while I coached both of them and at home on their own, they decided they were ready to discontinue our weekly meetings. At our closing session, I proposed they return in three months for a follow-up session, which they readily agreed to.

At the follow-up session, I asked how they were doing. Both Dov and Chevy reported that the gains they had made during our work together were permanent and not temporary.

“We’re still doing that exercise you gave us regarding positive feelings,” Dov added. “And I must be honest with you, those ten minutes are the highlight of my day.”

Chevy echoed Dov’s sentiments, saying that she felt the same way.

Dov and Chevy are not the only couple who have benefited from that ten-minute exercise. It has also helped other couples turn a good marriage into a great marriage.

How about you and your spouse trying it yourselves? It just might become the highlight of your day, too.

Dr. Meir Wikler, a frequent contributor to this space, is an author, psychotherapist, and family counselor in full-time private practice with offices in Brooklyn, New York, and Lakewood, New Jersey. He is also a public speaker whose lectures and shiurim are carried on TorahAnytime.com.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1054)