Why many fathers get a bad rap

W
omen are known for being “softies.” Men, not so much. Gender differences are not hard and fast rules, of course; some men are tender-hearted while some women are tough as nails. However, I’ve seen a particular gender-based dynamic play out consistently over my decades of counseling — the father is the designated “bad guy.” The story usually goes something like this:

The children complain to their mother that they can’t talk to their father because he’s so mean or they don’t like their father because he’s so uncommunicative or they feel tense around their father because he’s so disapproving. He’s harsh, critical, demanding, and sometimes punitive. The unhappy child or children may feel “picked on” or may be nervous or uncomfortable around him.

This man — the father of these children and the husband of their mother — usually has no idea that the children have such a negative view of him. He’s too busy finding fault with them. In his mind, this one’s rude, that one’s lazy, and the rest of them aren’t respectful or helpful enough. He feels they don’t treat him properly and he blames his wife for spoiling them.

The wife is caught between her spouse and her offspring. She feels bad for the children because she understands their complaints. She has some of them herself — she also finds her husband to be negative and critical. She feels they’re not to blame; their father really isn’t sensitive enough to their feelings.

On the other hand, she knows that she can’t openly side with them — something the kids don’t quite get. Perhaps they’ll understand when they’re older, coming to see it from their mother’s point of view: Fostering peace and protecting the marriage is the best thing in the long run for the family as long as the problem is restricted to parental unpleasantness rather than outright abuse.

 Dealing with Mr. Gruff

Most often, the gentleman who’s depicted in the scenario above is, to his friends and community, a good-hearted, generous man, a respected member of the shul and so on. Usually, he lacks awareness of his role in his family’s problems. He may have come from a home where his parents bickered endlessly but the family was close despite the ongoing conflict. He thinks that he can behave the same way his father behaved and get the same results.

But times have changed. A woman’s natural tendency to nurture has been intensified through parenting education and she’s now less likely to ignore her husband’s gruff and uninformed approach. The children, too, have higher expectations. When they’re treated with insensitivity, they’re more bothered by it than were children of previous generations who were often harshly treated by the adults they encountered in a world that was far less child-centric than our own. This modern man’s old-fashioned parenting style just doesn’t work in today’s world.

Techniques That Do Work

Nonetheless, this person is still a loving father doing his best. His wife can actually help him do even better if she uses her advanced parenting skills on him. For example, when her husband says a kind word to any of the children — a simple greeting, a word of appreciation, some praise or just an interesting remark about any topic — she can be sure to let him know that she saw an appreciative look on the child’s face. “Raffi loves it when you joke with him like that!” or “Shira really took your compliment to heart.”

When he complains to her about a child, she can sympathize instead of trying to correct his perception and then make a small suggestion how to address the problem. Then she can follow up with praise when he incorporates her idea into his approach. “The children really look up to you and want to please you; it was nice that you let them know how much they’ve improved.”

When he feels appreciated, this man is far more positive and likable, and then the wife can encourage the kids to work their end of the relationship by behaving properly and showing respect and appreciation. She needs to teach them that they, like all of us, have the power to bring out the best or worse in others.

If she’s done all of this and there’s still no improvement, professional counseling can help complete what she started.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 642)