Lag B’omer brought an end to the tragedy and an opportunity to start fresh
We know that when people don’t get along, Hashem isn’t pleased. We learned this lesson when 24,000 students of Rabi Akiva succumbed to a plague because of the lack of love and respect they’d shown each other. Lag B’omer brought an end to the tragedy and an opportunity to start fresh. Perhaps we can help bring an end to our plague as well by doing teshuvah in the realm of love and respect.
Missing the Forest for the Trees
Apparently Rabi Akiva’s students believed they were showing each other love as they fought over the interpretations of their rebbi’s teachings. Each wanted to convince the other of his view so that the other would benefit from the truth. While it’s meritorious to help others improve, it’s not right to provide this help in ways that make the recipient feel disrespected or unloved. This is an essential concept to apply within our homes.
Families have been spending more time with each other lately and are therefore finding more opportunities to “educate” each other. Spouses are eagerly trying to help their partners improve in plenty of ways. However, they’re frequently using the fast-but-ineffective-and-simultaneously-harmful technique called “criticism.” Criticism consists of pointing out what someone is doing wrong. “Constructive criticism” is normal, meant-to-be-helpful criticism, the kind many couples dole out to each other constantly. Abusive criticism isn’t correction at all, but rather a communication meant as a put-down, an insult specifically geared to causing pain.
Constructive criticism occurs commonly and innocently between partners in conversations about how much salt to add to the stew, how to best clean the kitchen counter, or how to choose the right foods to eat. The latter type typically occurs in all-out fights when one or both partners are emotionally dysregulated and unable to communicate in healthier ways. Both are harmful to relationships, eating away at feelings of love and respect. We need to find better ways of helping each other, and our children, improve. We need ways that convey love and respect.
Changing Other People’s Behavior
The most powerful behavioral change tools work naturally with the human brain. The brain, after all, is the seat of learning. We do what we do because our brains develop programs to make automatic performance easy. We don’t want to have rethink everything we do each time we do it.
When someone comes along to help us “see the light” and learn new ways of doing things, our brains resist mightily. They don’t want to disrupt current circuits to add new ones for the same goal; it feels like unnecessary work. The program is running, why mess with it now?
To add insult to injury, the way we’re being asked to revamp our neural network isn’t even pleasant. “Hey, you need to move the kettle and wipe under it. You can’t clean the counter like that!”
We have an emotional excuse for not doing the neural work: We don’t like the helper’s attitude. This, plus the work involved in creating new circuits, make it hard for us to engage in the change process, and make us dislike whoever is asking us to do the renovation.
Enter the brain-friendly strategy. Suppose you want your partner to learn to clean the counter the “better” way (your way). First, reduce emotional resistance by showing love and respect. “Hey, honey, thanks so much for cleaning up!” Now, approach the relaxed brain with a friendly suggestion. “Here, let me move the kettle for you so you can give it a wipe under there.” Once the wipe has occurred, move in on the brain’s wiring process. One new wire has already been formed by the fact that your trainee exercised the muscles in the “clean under the kettle” maneuver.
Now you can add hundreds more wires to that fledgling circuit in his or her brain by attending to the behavior in a loving and respectful manner. “That’s great! Look at that shiny counter! Thanks for taking the extra minute to do under the kettle.”
This easy-down method of education massages new wires into place. With repetition, you’ll slowly be able to influence your partner’s and children’s behaviors in a desirable direction. No, they won’t do everything you want. Nor will you do everything they want. But when the primary goal is love and respect, the secondary goal of helping loved ones learn becomes much more attainable. Now is a good time to apply this lesson.
