We can’t stay head over heels in love forever

One of the most wonderful feelings in the world is being “in love.” It’s a feeling of being in a rosy universe where all is right and beautiful, where we experience a state of euphoria and expanded consciousness. It’s a feeling we want to hold onto forever, so it’s really quite a pity that it doesn’t last very long.

“I remember looking at my newborn and feeling overwhelmed with love. She was so perfect, so beautiful. For those first few months, tears poured forth every time I gazed upon her. I felt I was the luckiest mother on earth to have been given this flawless little human being. I was smitten; I was in love.”

Many new parents gaze upon their infants this way, awash in indescribable feelings of delight and awe. Yes, they are in love with their babies. And this is a very good thing since it helps them cope with the periods of fussing, crying, and nighttime wakefulness. It’s hard to be angry at the object of such intense love.

Changing Times

“We had a fairy-tale wedding. I was a princess and he was a prince. We were the ideal couple and madly in love. Everyone cried when they saw us together because our love was such a beautiful thing to behold. I can still see it in our eyes when I look at the photos. How is it possible to go from that to where we are today? We hardly speak now. He’s almost never home before 10 p.m. and even then he goes right out again. We’re like passing strangers and the ocean of love that we once shared has completely run dry. I don’t know what happened.”

The “love” that young people feel before and shortly after marriage isn’t the same kind of love that binds couples together throughout the decades that follow the chuppah. “Infatuation” is a term some use to describe this unearned love, whether it is between husband and wife, parent and child, or grandparent and grandchild. This feeling of being on a high, which makes all problems disappear and turns gray skies into a golden glow, is nice, but it’s got to go. It’s a short-term wonder drug, lasting on average 15 to 24 months in marriage and as long as 3 or 4 years in adult-child relationships. It’s meant to expire and be replaced with a different kind of love.

This new love has different qualities. It’s flatter, more consistent, more grounded. In the new love, there’s often disappointment, struggle, frustration, and pain alongside caring, closeness and affection.

“My children seemed surprised at how much I mourned their father when he passed away. They thought because we squabbled endlessly that we didn’t care for each other. Nothing could be farther from the truth. We were used to each other. It might sound strange, but I miss having him to argue with!”

Mixed-Bag Love

As couples raise their families and build their homes, they normally enjoy a “mixed-bag” love — a connection that has both positive and negative emotions. This is the norm. When we see smiling couples in public, we might assume that — even after four decades or so of being together — they are very much “in love.” We might wish that we could also enjoy a continuous, uncomplicated “in love” with our own spouse. However, this is a destructive waste of energy. No matter how big the public smile appears, normal couples enjoy complicated love, not endless infatuation.

This kind of love requires effort. It’s the product of conscious striving. Those who want to leave their spouses because they’re no longer “in love” fail to realize that Phase 1 love only occurs in Phase 1 of a marriage. If they want to move on to Phase 2, they will have to do what everyone else has to do: nurture, build, and maintain a new kind of love.

“My perfect baby became a menacing toddler, and from there, a challenging child and a difficult teenager I really had to work at getting along with, guiding her without spilling my frustration all over her. I took classes and sought professional help. Now that she’s an adult with children of her own, we’re enjoying the fruits of all that labor. It’s not perfect, but thankfully, we have a beautiful relationship; we love each other.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 640)