In Part I we discussed how Hashem built certain laws into the universe on natural societal and spiritual levels. The institution of marriage is also founded on certain principles and we need to play by those rules for marriage to thrive. In marriage every situation presents an opportunity to increase the connection and unity of the couple. Can that which is lacking in our spouse also bring us to the goal of oneness?

Marriage is Hard Work

“Bikeish Yaakov leisheiv b’shalvah — Yaakov wanted to live in tranquility.” After all the tribulations in Yaakov Avinu’s life he said “Maybe now I can find serenity.” Yet Yaakov’s request went unfulfilled. The work in this world is ongoing and as our Sages teach the work is great and the time is short.

We’re reluctant to apply this concept to relationships especially marriage. We think that the hard part is getting married and if we daven hard work hard and are smart enough to pick the right person then the challenges will consist of getting ready for Yom Tov on time and figuring out where to send the kids to school.

But then we find that this is not the case and we wonder if we are alone in our struggle. While there is comfort in knowing that our friends and neighbors also have their work cut out for them it is even more helpful to know that the struggle itself is meaningful. Since the goal of our efforts is achdus oneness the work we do to fit together the pieces of ourselves with those of our spouse in an effort to create shleimus wholeness is the work of becoming who we are meant to be in this world — our most meaningful task.

Leading to Completion

In order to understand how the sometimes serious deficiencies we are faced with in our marriages can lead to anything positive we need to go back in time to the creation of the world. Our Sages explain that Hashem fills the entire cosmos and He is not physical or limited in any way. In order to create a physical and therefore limited universe Hashem had to in a sense constrict Himself to allow the physicality to exist. The very first act of creation was to create an absence of complete spirituality to make room for the physical. This act created a domain in which Hashem’s completeness and perfection would not be obvious. In a sense Hashem created a lack.

Every deficiency in human beings has roots in this incompleteness. The inadequacies we find in ourselves and our spouse are not incidental; they are integral. They are a result of the first tzimtzum constriction. It is a premise built into creation that for now the greatness of the Creator should not be evident. Our deficiencies represent Hashem’s incomplete presence in the world.

Just as Hashem’s hiddenness exists so that we should seek Him out so too each person’s deficiency is an opening into his inner being that if we knew how to listen we would hear it shouting at us “This is a door come see what’s behind it!”

For instance suppose a person is very impatient which makes communication with his spouse and children problematic. We aren’t expected to ignore the problem and it does require a practical solution. On a deeper level however a lack of patience is a window into that person’s soul which by definition is whole and pure. On a soul level a lack of patience is the soul clamoring for advancement not being complacent yearning for elevation.

A person with too much patience doesn’t get up to daven doesn’t address his own needs or the needs of others. At the core level the impatient person is fending off indifference or stagnation. We can see that a lack of patience like other negative traits is a positive spiritual essence manifesting itself in negative behavior due to insufficient development.

Dealing with Our Differences

All the paths toward attaining shleimus in this world point toward attaching ourselves to Hashem and being nurtured by that connection. When we develop ourselves through learning Torah performing mitzvos and developing our middos we are creating a commonality with our Creator. This is called attachment or love of the domeh the similar. In areas where we are different we can connect through our differences like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together. This is called the connection of the shoneh the dissimilar.

It’s easy to see the comparison to marriage in these two scenarios. The qualities we have in common with our spouse are a good basis for a connection to each other. If we share a deep compassion for people who are in need or a reverence for Torah scholarship these shared qualities and interests connect us. Even when it comes to our differences we can see our strengths as complementary in nature and ultimately creating a whole. Perhaps the husband is more academic and the wife is more street-smart. Together the couple can deal effectively with many different situations. Similarly we are nurtured by Hashem’s kochos even though we don’t share them.

The problem is that when we encounter a serious deficiency in our spouse we often think I have no strength to deal with this problem. It seems overwhelming. It can be exhausting dealing with any lack of development on a constant basis but the perspective of he has the problem and I don’t causes us to lose the benefit of seeing husband and wife as a unit making it harder to reach the goal of oneness.

The first part of the solution is to realize that we were put here to work hard to fill the lacks in ourselves and in others. Rather than denying the limitation see you and your husband as a complete unit and therefore as not lacking.

I know a woman who is legally blind but very capable. When she was dating her future husband he was unaware of the extent of her limitation until he asked her “Why do you always order salad when we go out to eat?”

She replied “Because I can’t read the menu.”

He said “That’s not a problem I can always read it for you.”

Seeing the other as separate creates the lack. Seeing husband and wife as one entity fills whatever deficiencies there are and is a source of connection between them.

Beneath the Surface

A door can be seen as a deficiency in the wall. If behind the door there is nothing then the door is a lack that serves no purpose. If there is a building behind the door then the deficiency in the wall is a passageway to something more something greater and larger than the opening itself. When we see deficiencies as part of the rules with which the world was created we realize that the challenge is to look past the open door and see the untainted soul within. This allows us to deal with our spouses with compassion instead of judgment.

This is similar to the challenge we face when our adorable babies turn into adolescents we hardly recognize. The trick is to keep in our mind’s eye the picture of the wonderful child we brought into the world and remember that that is who she truly is. This perspective allows us to omit so much negativity

Chanukah is one of the seven mitzvos d’Rabbanan that we were given together with the 613 mitzvos d’Oraysa to guide us through our long exile. The Chanukah story was precipitated by deficiency. The decrees of the Syrian-Greeks against keeping Shabbos performing circumcision and establishing the new month together with the requirement to declare that we no longer have a portion in the L-rd ofIsrael created a serious lack in our ability to perform the mitzvos and cultivate a relationship with Hashem.

The severity of the situation compelled the Chashmonaim to look beneath the surface and deeply into themselves. They found their deep desire to maintain their connection to the One Above and the belief that there is no one to rely on but Him. Armed only with the faith and trust in their hearts and the words of Psalm 91 on their lips (“I will say of Him He is my refuge and my fortress my G-d in Him will I trust”) they drew forth the miracles that illuminate the darkness until today (Nesivos Shalom).

The Chashmonaim taught us how even serious lacks whether in our environment ourselves or our spouses can be the impetus to seek out the spiritual core the essential reality and use it as an impetus to reconnect and rededicate ourselves to the relationships we’ve committed to.