What if I don’t want to play by the rules? Ever the individual I want to forge my own path. My relationships will be based on common wants shared feelings and my inner sense of right and wrong. I am not talking anarchy just about creating my own structure based on what’s right for me. The Torah describes this person as saying (Devarim 29:18) “I will have peace in the freedom of my heart I will go.”

I have encountered people the “flower children” of today who take this approach to life and to relationships. Most of us have an inkling that this approach won’t work. Why not?

Basic Premise of Survival

A deeper look at the universe will help us understand. Human beings require certain fundamental things. Air food shelter and clothing are nonnegotiable. I can decide to sleep on the beach under the stars or in the forest under a canopy of leaves but chances are that I won’t last very long. My existence is sustained by acquiescing to the natural laws of physical need that Hashem built into creation. Each creature requires its own environment and sustenance. Without those there can be no survival. In the animal kingdom the encroachment of humankind on their turf has even led to the extinction of certain species. One can ignore the laws of physical need for only a very short time before seeing the impact on one’s ability to survive.

At the next level there are premises that govern human interaction that are hard to do without. The Rambam states in Moreh Nevuchim that a human being is societal (medini) by nature. When we stop to think about the multitude of interactions between people that brought the food to the store and put it on my table we see the natural law of interaction. Just see the results of a two-week sanitation workers’ strike and our dependence others is driven home. Put on the light or turn on the faucet and then think about how we rely on other members of society to do their jobs. The laws of ownership respect for the individual and trustworthiness among other things affect our ability to exist no less than the laws of physical need. The Rambam says that if a person were to withdraw from society and try to live the life of an animal he would likely not survive even a day.

Though the premises that govern society were also built in by our Creator they are less tangible and therefore easier to ignore. Each societal law that we choose to ignore impacts our ability to live successfully. I recently read a story of a man who committed a heinous crime and got away with it. The trail that led from the crime back to him was cold. No one was looking for him yet his aberration from societal law impeded his own ability to live and after more than 20 years he turned himself into the authorities with a sense of relief to face the consequences of his actions.

There are still deeper laws that were built into the world and ensure our ability to live. Laws that are more elusive if no less vital. In fact the existence of the cosmos is dependent upon them. These are the premises that govern our relationship with our Creator and His Torah. A Jewish person who is sensitive to the voice of his soul knows that these laws are more absolute than any that Hashem created in the natural or societal world. They are the first premise of existence. Through the channel that we call emunah a person has the ability to cleave to the Source of his life and can sense the flow of the life force to his inner being. It allows him to experience the deepest of connections to others and to the source of life itself. It allows him to be truly alive.

A person who acknowledges this level of lawfulness realizes that it is no less critical to his existence than food or shelter and he can no more ignore these laws than he can the laws of society.

The Premise of Marriage

Just as there are premises of survival on every level — physical societal spiritual — the Torah also provides us with the premises on which our marriages must be based in order for us to not only survive but to truly be alive. The fundamental law of marriage is ichud unification. Ichud is the goal the uniting of two less-than-perfect people in a union that suggests perfection as we see in the words “Hashem echad.”

This is a stymieing suggestion. Does it suggest that with all our (and our spouse’s or date’s) deficiencies it is possible to create an excellent marriage? Most people in a relationship tend to focus on their own attributes and the other’s deficits. Even the person who admits her own inadequacies thinks to herself Well when he will be more patient generous forgiving (fill in the characteristic of your choice) then our relationship will improve.

There is no doubt that every person seeking a spouse wants to marry an individual with the qualities most appropriate for him or her. We perceive that our own maalos plus his or hers will add up to a happy life. Yet every person gets married and finds out that his or her spouse has certain deficiencies some of them very significant. Often there is a feeling of disappointment even a feeling of having been cheated.

Rav Itamar Schwartz teaches us a profound approach to dealing with these revelations. He suggests that built into creation is the premise that connection to one’s spouse comes about not only through each individual’s attributes but through the deficiencies as well.

Before we can figure out how to adapt to our spouses’ shortcomings we need to adjust how we perceive them. Often we focus on the particular offending characteristic as the problem. Rav Schwartz calls this seeing the issue from the middle rather than from the source. The metaphor he uses is that of a person setting out on a long excursion on a hot day. He leaves his home without taking water and several hours into the trek is so thirsty that he feels faint. He thinks to himself What should I do now? I don’t have any water! He has a very real problem but the true problem is that he didn’t perceive the need for water before he left.

Most of the situations we find ourselves in happen that way. Now that I have this problem what should I do about it? We perceive the particular issue rather than its true source and therefore our solutions are often practical localized and only temporary fixes because they do not deal with the makor the source.

We need to shift our perspective so we see every lack as a vehicle through which connection is possible and necessary. Though it sounds counterintuitive every deficiency can become a tool for building instead of a flaw that undoes our relationships. A metaphor for this would be the hole that many Israeli apartments have in the middle of the kitchen floor. A person who moves into his new home and sees only the hole says “Call the contractor back and have him finish the job!” A person who sees the larger picture however understands that the hole connects to a pipe that extends out to the porch and over the garden (or an unsuspecting passerby) carrying out the water with which he cleans his floor. The hole is an integral part of the structure of his new home — not a defect.

Of course we need to deepen our understanding of this concept before we can get to its implementation. This will be addressed in the second part of this column.