My seminary year was cut short, now what?

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here’s been a lot of feedback to the feature that examined the challenges of returning home from seminary prematurely. A number of the letters highlighted situations I suspect many may be facing. As Bassi Gruen told me, “for every letter that came in, there could be another hundred girls with the same issue. Write a follow-up.” Here it is.

Live and Learn

Isn’t it what’s inside that counts?

My family expected me to “frum out” in seminary — but I didn’t. They comment and joke when I do things they expected I’d avoid after seminary. Should I use this as a springboard to meet to their expectations and “prove them wrong”? I may have not changed much on the surface, but I grew internally!

Taking things on to prove others wrong is never a good idea; growth needs to be internally motivated. It’s difficult to deal with people’s disappointment, but the real trouble here is that you sound disappointed in yourself.

I’m curious as to what you mean by changing internally but not externally. Real internal change usually impacts us externally, albeit sometimes subtly. If you love holiness, you act holier. If you love Torah, you act more Torahdig. If someone has stronger feelings about Yiddishkeit, that’s awesome. But if they haven’t improved their mitzvos, it’s like taxiing the plane to the runway and not taking off.

When someone maintains she’s changed inside but not on the surface, those are often code words to convey that her tzniyus isn’t where she hoped it would be. That’s very much not a superficial issue.

There’s an opposite phenomenon that’s also true, as we see throughout Sefer Hachinuch: Changing your outward conduct will change you. Whether it’s an entertainment, phone, or language issue, adapt this tool. Give yourself a few weeks of acting as if you’ve reached the level you thought you’d be on. If my hunch is right, and this is a clothing issue, this approach is particularly effective. You’re not faking it, you’re trying it. You may surprise yourself.

And then there’s this:

Coming home early was terrible for me. I was waiting until after Pesach to pack in the serious hashkafah seminary offered. But now it’s over and I just have regrets.

I feel bad when I see girls floating through first semester, and this year that approach backfired big-time. Sometimes limited resources, including time, is a blessing in disguise.

Lahav Bais Yaakov is a half-year seminary with an extension until Nissan. Within a month, as other seminaries are barely settling in, the Lahav girls have already formed a cohesive group and are sprinting ahead.

You say you regret missed opportunities. Regret is not a bad thing. It can motivate us to change and improve. One idea, COVID-19 depending, is to return for another year or semester to Eretz Yisrael and make up for lost time.

However, associating religious growth exclusively with seminary is faulty thinking. The variety of learning options in chutz l’Aretz are breathtaking. Start your own if you want something that doesn’t yet exist. Growth is the work of a lifetime.