I think half of my life is dedicated to doing things in order to understand I didn’t need to do them.

There are millions of things to do — bake carrot cakes clean the cabinets write a blog.

So — what is it that brings a person to pick the things they’re going to do?

There are basics the order of the day we somehow establish. Some go to work school.

Sometimes these are givens and sometimes most times they are things we’ve chosen.

There’s a woman from out of town who calls me every so often — “what should I do?” she asks.

“I want to work but I don’t want to work but I want to work.” We speak about the options.

She wants to work in computer programming but she hasn’t touched a computer in twenty-five years. The last computer course she learned was with punch cards.

“They’ll train me.”

She’ll get there b’ezras Hashem I think to myself at the same time saying aloud “it’s funny but not in a trillion years would I ever in my wildest dreams choose to be a computer programmer.”

Yet — this is the job that calls to her — pulls and tugs at her like an undertone.

A woman who has a coaching course tells me:

“I teach women from Meah Shearim Yerushalmi going back for generations” she says. “I thought these ladies were going to be so different than me they’ll have it all together they learned it passed down from Sinai. They’ll know what to do in every situation. You know what?” my friend says. “Black head coverings thick black stockings but we have the same exact struggles.”

Her main coaching pitch is that when something calls you listen.

If you need a storage space or an extra office whatever if something tells you — look across the street — check it out. There might be something there.

It says in Eishes Chayil  she envisions a field and buys it.

To go one step further or sideways another few issues with trusting and listening to that voice came up this week. It must be in the air because another friend calls. She has an article being written about her — and her wonderful work and ideas. The article writes about all her ideas but it basically forgets to mention her.

She’s a little confused about what’s really bothering her about the article. Actually — I don’t believe she’s confused. I think she doesn’t want to hear her voice calling out — “Hey what about me?” because that would make her somehow sound egotistical.

Not so. It’s her work her ideas. Doesn’t the Torah say quoting the source brings Messiah?

I also had a challenge. It least me this week in the listening-to-my-own-voice department.

One of my closest friends’ daughter asked if her and her friend could come for all of the Shabbos meals.

My sons were going to be home.

My stomach fell. Here is my friend who’s done more than a person could know — including making my shidduch — and her daughter wants to come for Shabbos. She’s gorgeous with a gorgeous friend.

My sons are home.

The voice says “no not good.” The conscious says “not nice.” The voice says “not good ” the conscious says “not nice.”

I call a friend. Explain the situation. She has a great mashal. She says “Don’t two angels with fiery swords stand at the gates to Gan Eden? They don’t let everybody in. That’s our job as parents.”

One thing she said she learned was to “accept your voice. Don’t stamp it out. Listen to it. Find out why it’s suddenly speaking out.”

I want to be a good guy but it’s not good. Yes maybe one lady can have twenty bochurim with twenty girls at her table. That voice doesn’t call to her. Maybe that’s her tafkid to have the girls. Maybe the other lady’s not meant to have the girls. And she can say it’s not good for me and accept herself.

How can I weigh? By which voice calls louder?

The truth is I conclude to go with the voice which is deeper — closer to the soul. I explain why “no” and my friend asks if I could make the food and send it to her daughter. I’m thrilled to do that — “no problem.” Then my friend says “Actually that was my daughter’s first choice but she was too embarrassed to ask.”

Sunday after Shabbos my friend and I speak again. She tells me she had a whole yeshivah of baalei teshuvah and three girls who suddenly called from Monsey and three couples for Shabbos. Her home has the capacity to keep the two separated and far apart. We talk about the listening-to-the-voice situation.

She says it’s so true. Actually one of the bochurim from the yeshivah is a thirty-seven-year-old man who just found out five years ago he’s Jewish. He always felt different from everyone around him. His inner voice told him there’s something different about him. And then one day his mother revealed to him the truth; he is a Jew. My friend asked him how it made him feel when he found out. He says “Relieved. I now understand what my voice was telling me all these years.”

She says that’s an example of listening to that voice. Then she tells me how all the Taglit youth are unaffiliated Jewish youth and come through her gift shop in Tzfas.

“They ask me ‘How come we feel so different here?’

I try to talk directly to their souls. I have three minutes to reach them over the candles and the cash register. I tell them “This is because your soul is connected to this Land — it’s the Holy Land. Here you can hear G-d’s voice louder. Listen carefully and keep it close to you always.”