During this busy season, keep the complaints to yourself

P esach is also called Passover. “Pass over” as we know means to ignore something to skip it to move on. At this time of year this concept is especially important.

Husband to wife: “Look at this plate you just washed — it’s still got bits of cheese on it.”

Wife to husband: “You’re talking about bits of cheese on a plate that I — not you mind you but I — just washed after washing hundreds of plates peeling dozens of potatoes cooking tens of kugels to feed all your relatives because they can never make the Seder themselves and certainly not invite us and you have the nerve to talk about cheese on a plate?”

See what we mean? It would have been better if he had just let the cheese issue pass over for now.

Picking Battles

Knowing how to pick one’s battles is a perennial issue not reserved for any special time of year. However during busy holiday seasons (i.e. most of the Jewish year) one must become a master of this skill. Failure to grasp its essential principles can result in lots of painful conflict and family misery.

Ten-year-old son to Mom: “Why does Tatty get so mad at me when I forget to pick up the bathroom towel? He yells at me like I’m the worst person ever. I feel like he hates me. The rebbe tells me I’m the best and he wishes every kid was like me.... Can’t I make a mistake at home sometimes?”

Making a federal case out of a small issue makes one battle feel like a hundred. The rule is: Show little emotion for little issues. When a child does serious damage to herself another person or valuable property then of course a parent should sound intensely concerned (this does not mean that yelling is ever appropriate; yelling generally indicates that a person has succumbed to anger).

However a parent ought to be able to guide children to pick up their towels make their beds wash their plates and so on with little fanfare. If parents are experiencing frustration in this educational task they can turn to professional resources (books courses psychologists) for fresh nonaggressive strategies and solutions.

General Guidelines

In family life the following guidelines for picking battles will often be helpful:

If you’ve complained about something to your spouse or teenager in the last hour don’t offer any other complaint criticism or correction (other than one that is necessary to avoid significant danger or loss).

If your spouse or child can see (and attend to if necessary) his or her own error (e.g. they’ve spilled a beverage) don’t mention it at all.

If your loved one has made a costly error (e.g. crashed the car while texting) offer sympathy and support; refrain from ”educating” in any form (criticism lecture reminders). People tend to be highly motivated to avoid repeating their own costly errors and don’t need or benefit from external correction.

If your family member has made an error that isn’t typical (e.g. showed up late when he/she is almost always on time) don’t mention it other than to show concern (“Is everything all right?”).

If your loved one’s behavior already evoked consequences (e.g. your teen’s illegal parking resulted in a fine he must pay) say nothing (unless the repetition of a behavior indicates that the built-in consequence is insufficient to correct the behavior on its own).

If your loved one did something accidentally (e.g. misplaced a bill or personal item) don’t comment. You and everyone else in the world make similar errors due to absentmindedness rushing overwhelm or simply failure to be perfect.

If you’re “out-of-ratio” — nowhere near your 80/20 90/10 or 95/5 percentiles for good-feeling/not-good-feeling communications with the loved one then reserve your complaints for serious issues.

If problematic behavior occurr ed when your loved one was under pressure (exhausted overwhelmed in physical distress or ill) don’t comment on it.

If you’re not in a good mood don’t issue a complaint to anyone about anything.

If none of these factors are at play and you’ve already exhausted the more pleasant ways of trying to educate your loved one about a particular behavior (such as looking for and praising the desired “target” behavior) then go ahead and complain. Otherwise just let it pass. Especially on Passover.