Once excluded, always excluded?

“It’s been going on since childhood. My two older sisters have always been close, and I’ve been ‘the baby.’ That might have made sense when I was five and they were eight and nine. But how does it make sense now that I’m 35 and they’re 38 and 39?

“Those two make all the family decisions and let me know afterwards. I’ve protested plenty, but my complaints fall on deaf ears.”

Patterns established in youth often persevere throughout life, and middle-aged adults may still maintain the status quo of their childhood hierarchies and dynamics. Often, this leads to some people feeling voiceless and disregarded. The spouses and children of these disempowered siblings usually sense their unfortunate position.

“My children feel it too. They ask questions like, ‘Why do the cousins always get the best cottage when we go away together?’ or ‘How come we don’t get to choose the place for the family party?’ We try to minimize what’s going on by claiming that the family is a democracy, and the popular vote wins, but they’re old enough to realize that something’s up.”

Left Out in the Cold

“I moved here as a young bride. My family lives far away, and I assumed my husband’s family would take me in as one of theirs. In fact, I remember my husband promising when we dated that this is exactly what would happen, describing his mom and five sisters to me as the warmest people in the world. It turned out very differently.

“His family and I never really got along — I’ve always suspected that they resented me for taking their brother away from their tight-knit clan. Instead of finding a new family for myself, I’ve felt like an outsider my whole married life.”

The truth is that it’s hard enough to find a compatible spouse, let alone a whole family! While it’s natural to hope to find true sisters in new sisters-in-law, the reality is often quite different.

Families have their own cultures, and siblings within the family have history going back a long, long way. By adulthood, sisters may have very strong bonds, forming an intimate clique that is hard to break into. They enjoy each other’s company on shopping trips, lunch dates, and even vacations, while “forgetting” to invite family newcomers along for the ride.

At other times, the closeness of sisters may have less to do with exclusion than with the personalities of the individual players. Just because one loves the brother does not mean that one will get along well with his siblings. Whatever the reason, a sister-in-law who is left out in the cold will inevitably feel chilled.

Moving On

It’s not that hard to understand what goes wrong with adult sibling and sibling-in-law relationships. The question is what to do about it.

“I wasted a lot of years being resentful and bitter. I just couldn’t come to terms with how my sisters-in-law treated me. They basically ignored me unless I was needed to chip in money, food, babysitting, or other kinds of help. Crying to my husband about it just put him in the middle and complaining to my friends about it just made me hate them more.

“After about 20 years of suffering, I realized that I was wasting my time trying to improve the situation, and that it was a test from Hashem just like any other life challenge. Apart from this one issue, I actually had it pretty good: Why shouldn’t I have one little challenge to deal with? How would I ever grow?

“When I started looking at it this way, I realized that the whole situation was a gift, not a burden. It forced me to try to ‘earn’ my friends. I couldn’t take family for granted and just show up ‘as is.’ I developed new social skills, and I became a better person. Best of all, I’m finally free of the toxic burden of resentment and victimhood. I’m lighter, healthier and happier.”

Family relationships challenge us to become more compassionate, understanding, and tolerant of others. They force us to build skills and to find positivity, peace, and happiness within ourselves. Sometimes we get exactly what we want in our relationships but may also be disappointed and hurt. Either way, it helps to acknowledge that Hashem is directing our affairs and watching for our response.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 633)