| Musings |

Laying Down My Warfare     

I now stand before You, G-d, and battle and wrestle on the next level


tried to fight with promises.

I promised never to judge others. I promised to stay humble. I promised to focus on truth, to be more honest, to value inner beauty and not externals. I promised to attribute all future success in my life to You.

I tried spiritual warfare.

I won’t waste time. I will use all my extra time to bring glory to You. I will make more time for the lonely and the poor and teach more… for free — but please, G-d, You have to help me.

I fought with prayer.

Oh, how I fought with prayer and tears. If tears and crying were explosives, I would have blown up all the planets by now. I locked myself in my room for hours pleading and praying, beseeching. I swayed and prayed and cried and knelt down and begged and pleaded — please, G-d, change this reality for me.

I called upon all medical personnel. Chinese and Western, Middle Eastern and meditation. Acupuncture, reflexology, massage therapy, herbology, and iridology. I tried emotional therapy and EFT tapping. I tried visualization and crystal healing.

I used positive personality development. G-d — I will be the best human specimen on Planet Earth. The best wife and mother. The best daughter, the best sister, the best possible person You created me to be. I will have more patience. I will expand my inner world. I will not procrastinate. I will be kind to anyone and everyone. I will share myself, my time, and my resources with others. I donated money and clothes to charity.

I worked hard on nutrition and exercise. I walked and weightlifted. I drank shakes and did detox. I biked and hiked. I cut coffee and cut sugar.

I tried Mind over Matter. Believe in yourself. Believe in good results. Rewrite your story, rewrite your script. I rewrote my narrative using the Sarno method. After that I applied the Pretend It Doesn’t Exist method, living and being, all the while professing to self that my life is completely fine. Just fine.

I even tried the equivalent of spiritual chemical warfare. I offered up a piece of my World to Come in exchange for this thing, please, G-d!

I resorted to tantrums, bad moods, and withdrawals. If all my positive combat wasn’t working, I had to bring out the darker warfare. I threatened depression and resignation from anything good. I screamed and cried: G-d, You MUST answer me!

And now I have nothing left in my arsenal. I used every chess move I know. Every trick in the book. Every possible resource available. And I am depleted and empty. I am stripped and disarmed.

I now stand before You, G-d, and battle and wrestle on the next level.


And I try, I really do, but it doesn’t come easy. I can’t and won’t accept that this is my reality. How can it be?! Do I really deserve this??!! I am fighting using all my inner knowledge and inner power, and this is the hardest fight yet. I am a cacophony of battle cries. Where is His Mercy? He is punishing me, but where is His Compassion? Why is my most vulnerable inner world being put through this test?

I have no way of changing His mind. I have nothing left to offer up.

This is His will.

I bend and submit.

And somewhere in this deepest, darkest, miserable place of pain, I find the most powerful weapon in my arsenal, a kernel of peace, a tiny spark of truth, and I know… I know You are with me.

I know You are with me.


(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 821)

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