How many disastrous dates would it take to prove that Green and Bean aren't a match?

A could-technically-be-real comedy collaboration by five writers

Coordinated by Bashie Lisker

Illustrated by Esti Saposh

Chapter 1: Cool Beans

Shmuel Botnick

Poppers. Gershy pulled his head out of the oven and slammed it shut as his mother walked in. She didn’t like when he poked around the kitchen — even for such innocent efforts as checking on dinner.

“Good evening, Mrs. Bean.” This was how he referred to his mother when trying to connote some gravity. “Did you say yes to that Zenner girl? My friend Aryeh thinks it’s kedai.”

His mother shook her head sharply. “No, I did not.”

“Ah, Mom, why not? Are we really that hung up on her brother being chassidish?”

“No, that’s not the issue,” his mother said. “I said yes to someone else.”

“Someone else?” Gershy frowned as he mentally made his way down the list of recent suggestions. “Who? Breinover, no, she wants to live in England. Davidan wants a long-term learner. Green, not nogei’a, of course….” Gershy froze as he caught his mother’s expression.

“Well, Gershy, you see, it’s that… this Green girl… we looked into her and—”

“Mom!!!” Gershy nearly cried. “I told you! Our last name is Bean. Hers is Green. A Green does not marry a Bean!”

His mother gave him an exasperated glare. “Gershon Binyamin Bean, I’m working as hard as I can to marry you off. You’ve dated eight girls, none worked out. This Bracha Green sounds perfect. Yes, I know you’re uncomfortable with her last name. So what? Once she’s married, she’ll drop it anyway. So it’s a matter of a few silly comments from your friends. For this I should say no? I said you’re available Sunday at eight.”

Gershy stewed inwardly. His mind raced with excuses.

My best friend’s wedding is that night… I have a chavrusa then… I’m not feeling well and my condition will probably turn critical come Sunday evening.

This was ridiculous. None of these would work — so he’d be dating a Green. Totally insane. The very thought of the sign outside the wedding hall made him shudder. The Green-Bean Wedding. People would be laughing too hard to dance!

No way. He had to put a stop to this right away.