“Laissez-faire” is French for “let people do as they please.” Laissez-faire parenting is a style of raising children in which children are given more freedom and less rules. The laissez-faire parent (hereafter referred to as the “LFP”) allows children to follow their own intuitions regarding bedtimes study habits eating preferences and other activities. The parent does not impose limits or guidelines except in rare circumstances (such as directing the child to get out of the road).

LFP’s may adopt their way of raising kids for a number of reasons. Here are some of the more common ones:

• Rational parenting philosophy. Some people have studied various approaches to childrearing and have concluded that children do best when allowed to experience the consequences of their own actions. They reason that getting out of their children’s way (so to speak) allows the children to learn how to make their own decisions solve their own problems and draw their own conclusions. This sort of LFP has consciously and rationally selected this parenting approach.
• Reacting to overly strict or abusive childhood. Some people adopt the LFP stance in order to spare their children the pain that they themselves suffered at the hands of overly rigid punitive parents.
• Compensating for overly strict or abusive spouse. Sometimes one spouse is too cold too rule-oriented or too harsh on the children. The other spouse tries to “make up” for the lack of warmth love and compassion of this parent by always being nice or fun or loving with the children. Instead of applying the 80–20 Rule this compensating parent applies the 100–0 Rule offering 100 percent good-feeling communications and completely avoiding not-so-good-feeling communications such as instructions corrections saying “No ” disciplining and all other forms of parental guidance.
• Being “a softy” by nature. This LFP has a nonconfrontational nature and/or simply can’t bring him or herself to deny the kids what they want. This person might feel that childhood should be a protected time when children are free from the heavy demands that they will later experience in life — therefore if the child isn’t in the mood for school this LFP lets him stay home; if the child doesn’t like the teacher the LFP switches him out of that class; if the child isn’t tired yet the LFP lets him stay up. And so on.

Consequences of Laissez-Faire Parenting

As early as 1989 research on Laissez-Faire Parenting established that children raised with this method way had many developmental difficulties. They were found to have more behavioral problems less self-control greater impulsivity worse academic performance and greater dependence on adults.

Studies in the past twenty years have confirmed these findings and more citing increases in narcissistic behavior low self-esteem depression and a generally higher incidence of psychiatric conditions as well as a higher incidence of risk-taking behaviors smoking and drug and alcohol abuse.

LFPs themselves often complain that their children are disobedient out of control rude and even abusive. The LFP may not be setting rules and limitations but this doesn’t stop him or her from feeling helpless and even furious. An LFP may want to be nice but often ends up screaming at the kids because he or she has no other way of dealing with them.

Finding Balance

Each parent needs to apply the 80–20 Ratio of love to guidance when raising young children (90–10 for teens). The love side far outweighs the guidance side but the guidance side must exist in order for children to grow up healthy.

Parents have to be able to teach children right from wrong. Yes a certain amount of learning comes from personal experience and a certain amount comes from living with healthy models. However some comes from direct instruction and guidance. Kids are not born knowing that their dishes need to be washed or that it’s not okay to yell at your parents.

When parents offer guidance in a respectful but firm way kids learn that it is safe for them to submit to authority. This attitude is important in the development of their relationship with Hashem as well as their ability to work well with others in this world.

Moreover when parents set interpersonal boundaries teaching kids what they will and will not accept in relationships (i.e. “I only give and I only accept respectful communications”) they are also showing their children the way to set healthy boundaries in their own relationships. On the other hand when parents tolerate poor treatment from their children they are teaching their children to tolerate bad treatment from others.

Establishing limits is as important as showing love. When done in a healthy way (“the right hand draws near while the left hand pushes away”) it is the best kind of parenting we can offer our children.