Men and women have vastly different communication styles. How to bridge the divide 

Conversation I

Wife to husband: “When you speak like that to the children I feel really uncomfortable because I’m worried about them and you and our whole family. I’m afraid that the kids will not only be hurt by your behavior but also will grow up to copy it and this will cause them and their future families suffering.”

Husband: (no response)

Wife: “Don’t just stare at me! Say something!”

Husband: “Why should I say anything? Anything I say will be wrong. I don’t agree with you and if I tell you that you’ll just go on and on until I finally say you’re right. I never give you the response you’re looking for so why bother?”

Convseration II

Wife to husband: “So I’m not sure whether I should take the dress back because it might be cheaper to have it altered but then I don’t know how it will come out. But if I just return it and get something different I’m afraid it won’t be as nice as this one could be if it turned out the way I’m picturing it.”

Husband: (no response)

Wife: “Why aren’t you saying anything? When I’m speaking to you and you don’t say anything it feels like the words are just dropping — clunk — in front of me. Clunk clunk clunk. There’s no connection.”

Husband: “I don’t know what you want me to say. Whatever I say will be wrong.”

When Men and Women Talk

Generally speaking women have a lot of words and like to speak them. Women also have quick and easy access to their emotions and due to the nature of their brain structure and processes are able to rapidly communicate their emotional experience in words. Men generally speaking are more action oriented communicating through doing more than through verbal discourse. Their brains do not offer rapid verbal translation of emotional experience.

When men and women argue men often feel overwhelmed by the onslaught of their spouse’s words. This overwhelm leads to frustration — and even rage. Women may win the verbal victory — unequivocally proving their thesis through clever verbiage — but succumb in battle to the intimidation engendered by the anger of their partner. Both husband and wife are wounded. They may develop a fear of conflict knowing how badly it tends to end for both of them. However inability to express themselves openly eventually leads to mutual isolation as each person retreats into their private world. This can be dangerous creating loneliness that represents the polar opposite of what marriage should be.

Working with Each Other

It doesn’t take long for young husbands to learn that they are never getting it right. Their wives let them know that their thinking is wrong their words are wrong and the very way they say the words is wrong. And often the wives are right!

Criticism and negative feedback however are notoriously poor teaching tools. No one would advise a mother to “help” her child communicate better by pointing out the flaws in everything the youngster says! Fortunately there is a more effective way to help a husband a method that not only offers guidance but also strengthens the bonds of love and mutual respect.

Husbands also have a role in fixing the communication dynamic. They can ask for what they need — in a polite way. “Get to the point already” isn’t it. If a wife is using too many words the husband might say something like “Can I summarize your main point up to here?” Giving just a few words of summary (i.e. “I think you’re saying that you want me to talk nicer to the kids”) can make a wife feel heard and understood — which is akin to giving her precious jewels!

A wife who wants her husband to “say something” can be careful to receive all verbal offerings positively. “Thank you for sharing your point of view” can be said even when she’s thinking to herself (“though you’re so wrong!”). She can refrain from offering criticism except in those rare circumstances where her husband’s communication is so destructive (i.e. abusive) that it must be corrected.

On the other hand whenever she does like his choice of words or anything else about his communication she should let him know. For example suppose the husband in the above scenario said “Whatever dress you wear will be fine.” She can say “Thank you for your vote of confidence! It’s so sweet of you. I feel better already.” Did he answer her question? No. Should she make him feel inept and bad about this? No. At least he responded! If she doesn’t want him to just stare at her when she speaks she should let him know how much she appreciates his response. Positive attention is a couple’s most powerful tool for change.