Nurture your marriage and it will nurture you

E xcited to be married Miriam threw herself into her wifely role making delicious fancy meals for Dovid applying fresh makeup before his return home every evening showing interest in every detail of his day and working hard to build and maintain connection and affection.

“I’m not sure when things first started to fall apart ” Dovid says. “We both relaxed a bit too much a few months after we got married. But the real crisis was after our baby was born. There was suddenly so much to do. We were both exhausted and busy and the baby’s needs seemed endless. We were sleep deprived and irritable so we stopped being careful with our words and actions. Everything became very tense and intense.

“‘Dovid get the baby his bottle. Dovid can you change his diaper please. Dovid can you do a better job of washing the pots and pans — you’re leaving bits of food all over them.’

“All our communication degenerated to a bunch of instructions and complaints. I felt neglected. I started snapping back at her. ‘No you do it — I’ve got to go out now.’

“I did less and less and resented her more and more. Even though the house and family was as much my responsibility as it was Miriam’s I started feeling like a kid with a bossy mother. I have to say I didn’t handle it well.”

Permanently on Hold

The birth of a child can turn a marital relationship into a business proposition and many other facets of normal married life can similarly eat away at feelings of love and warmth.

“I tried and tried. I did everything I could to get Baruch’s attention but he just wasn’t interested. Of course I know his schedule was so busy with work learning community. At home he helped with the kids paid the bills and helped with shopping. But why wasn’t the marriage slotted in somewhere? We never did anything together anymore and we never talked about anything interesting. It was all about what had to get done.

“So I turned to my friends. At least I could laugh with them and tell them my problems. Baruch didn’t seem to mind — or even notice. Honestly did he think he could ignore me forever and I’d still feel the same about him? No one wants to be last on the list.”

The day is short and the work is long... it’s all too easy to neglect one’s partner. Both men and women are so busy and distracted that they may put their spouse permanently on hold.

A Distant Memory

“Even when I try to connect to her she’s always doing something else. We never just sit and talk to each other anymore. I’ll be trying to tell her something and she’ll be talking to the kids making a phone call checking her e-mail reading something… She nods absentmindedly but she’s not really interested.

“When we were dating she used to look me in the eyes and hang on my every word. Unfortunately that’s a distant memory now.”

Everyone has so much to do it’s almost understandable that one could neglect one’s marriage. And yet it really doesn’t make any sense. Marriage is one of the most important aspects of one’s life — far more important than checking e-mail catching up on the news and many of the other activities that seem to supersede spending a few quality moments with one’s partner.

Complete Turnaround

In terms of one’s mental and physical well-being investing time and energy in nurturing one’s marriage yields greater results than exercise and diet put together. A happy secure connection facilitates overall well-being and makes one far more stress resistant.

We’re not talking about a well-functioning home in which each partner carries out his or her tasks cooperatively and efficiently. We’re talking about an interpersonal relationship — an emotional connection between husband and wife. At the beginning of married life people look forward to developing a strong personal bond. All too often however they turn themselves over to the business side of marriage neglecting to nurture their relationship.

“When we saw what was happening we did a complete turnaround. For the past five years we’ve been ‘dating’ each other and we intend to do it for the next 90! It doesn’t take long to flash a smile pick up a small gift clip an interesting article or talk about ideas. It just takes some intention.

“Now that we nurture our marriage our marriage nurtures us.” (Originally featured in Family First Issue 543)