We need to actively engage in activities, conversations, and thought processes that will build a relationship and increase closeness. We often expect things to happen automatically and then are disappointed when they don’t. I really expected to lose 20 pounds this year and yet despite my will and expectations the scale is not cooperating. Why? (I tried to change the battery, and it wasn’t that!) Because I didn’t put in effort. I needed to create a food plan that would work to help me reduce calories and lose weight. I needed to work on my mindset and my thought process in a way that would help me reach for an apple instead of the chocolate cake when I am stressed out.

Quantity and quality. As an overworked mom, I tried to convince myself that as long as I give my children quality time, that is sufficient. The reality and research shows the fallacy in that belief. In order for relationships to fully thrive and grow they require both quantity time and quality time.

There is a rule of proxemics, which means often just by spending time in close quarters with another person we end up building a relationship with her. If both of you want to build this relationship, then you must spend time together. The focus here is on the quantity, not quality. The time can be with other people as well. The time should be spent engaging in positive activities that the two of you enjoy. Eating ice cream, playing fun games, or going for a brisk walk are some ideas.

Quality time should be spent alone or in small groups where the focus is on really enjoying the other persons’ company. In order for this to work you need to be focused on the relationship during this time. This is not a time to keep looking at your phone or getting distracted with other things.

Your mind is the most important tool that you have. When a person trains her brain to view something or someone in a positive way, even without any external changes, the relationship will improve. Train yourself to look at your friend in a positive light. Some exercises that can help with this are: making a list of the traits that you admire in your friend, writing down the benefits that you received from the friendship, writing down positive memories from when you were closer, and looking at pictures from that simpler time.

Giving brings love. It is almost impossible to not love someone whom you are constantly giving to. Set yourself up with a list of easy and not so easy ways that you can give to each other. Some examples are compliments, small gifts, reaching out, inviting, lending notes, and speaking favorably about her to other people. Make an effort to cross off everything on that list by the end of the month and you will see a huge growth in your relationship.

Daven for help in rebuilding the closeness. Often that is the most practical and definitely the most effective tool.

I know this sounds daunting and like a lot of work.  You might be thinking, “Mindy, you’re making us crazy!” and maybe, “This is not worth it. Maybe it is better for us to just make new friendships and invest in those, and accept this new diluted version as the current status quo.”

I quote, “Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold.”  We don’t throw out gold so easily. We recognize the value of gold, and we know it is worth the effort to keep it.

Working on these exercises has a fringe benefit as well. Im yirtzeh Hashem you will get married before you know it, and you will build the most important relationship of your life. I don’t want to insult any of you, but I do feel it is safe to say that you’ll probably have one or two minor disagreements with your spouse. When that happens you might feel something similar to the distance that you’re describing here. Since you’ve already practiced the tools for bridging that distance and bringing back the closeness, it will be easier for you to do it in this most crucial relationship.

Hatzlachah rabbah! Please keep in touch regarding your progress!

Mindy

(Originally featured in Teen Pages, Issue 898)