In family life there is plenty of laughter. It’s often very funny just thinking about how Hashem expected a man and woman to live together in harmony! When we’re finished chuckling about that one we can concentrate on the adorable antics of the toddlers in the family. Teenagers too can keep us in stitches (or straitjackets). All in all family life can be a lot of fun.

Funny Joke … or Painful Reality?

We need to be careful however about how we joke around. It’s essential to remember that something can be considered funny only if everyone truly enjoys the humor. For example if a wife starts to tear up when her husband makes a “joke” about her housekeeping skills it won’t help him to say “I was just joking for goodness sake!” This is particularly true when the so-called funny remark is made in front of other people. Blaming the wife for being “oversensitive” will do nothing to save the day.

When a joke is just a little too close to the painful truth for comfort it should not be expressed at all. Instead the person should make a serious statement about their true concern. In our example if the husband is dissatisfied with his wife’s domestic talents he should speak to her seriously and privately about his feelings rather than make poorly disguised digs.

Sarcasm Isn’t Education

Similarly parents should never attempt to deliver serious education via the medium of sarcasm. Let’s say that Avi’s table manners leave much to be desired. His father’s humorous remark about the problem in front of Shabbos guests will not only prove ineffective as a teaching strategy but also carries the very real risk of damage to the father-son relationship as well as to the child’s mental health.

Even when the victim of the remark seems to be laughing along with everyone else one can never assume that he or she was not deeply hurt; such behavior is often just a cover-up to save face.

Laughing and Crying

Some people really enjoy tickling: It can be uproarious to see a youngster giggling and gasping in tickle spasms! However if that youngster is simultaneously screaming “Stop! Stop!” the tickler must stop immediately. Although tickling isn’t one of the things that people normally think of when it comes to child abuse clinicians routinely see victims of unwanted tickling. From a child’s point of view lack of control can be very painful — even traumatic.

If a child doesn’t want to be touched even when the touch is affectionate and well-intentioned it is essential that the adult refrain from the unwanted contact. “But he was laughing so hard!” cannot be considered justification for continuing to touch a child who is also begging for the “game” to stop.

Hoodwinked

Here’s a form of marital betrayal that has a slightly humorous tinge to it: Wife asks husband why he has been so cool lately. Husband says he’d rather not talk about it. Wife begs him to divulge what’s on his mind. Husband says he’d rather not because Wife will probably just get upset. Wife promises not to get upset. Husband relents and tells Wife what’s been bothering him. Wife has a meltdown. Gotcha!

This is not a very nice form of communication. Even if the wife now claims that she had no idea her husband would say something as outrageous as he did it will not help her. He has learned that she is not to be trusted. Her behavior increases the likelihood that he will withhold his feelings from her in the future — a coping mechanism that carries the risk of creating serious alienation within marriage. In addition to the pain of the hostile communication this husband suffers the indignity and frustration of having been “tricked.”

Trickery is one of those things that is only fun at magic shows. In marriage being duped misled lied to and otherwise fooled can destroy the foundation of trust that is essential to a healthy relationship. To avoid misleading your spouse be careful to honor your own word at all times — but especially when you specifically promise something.

When we’re sensitive to the feelings of our loved ones family life can be healthy loving and fun. Hurtful words and behaviors always have negative consequences for family members and family relationships — even when disguised behind the cloak of humor or “innocence.” Laugh as much as you like — as long as no one is getting hurt while you do so!