Use your words to breathe new life into others

L ag B’omer marks a transition between a period of punishment and an opportunity to start over. The punishment occurred because Jews failed to love and respect each other resulting in a plague of death — a seemingly harsh punishment for “not being nice.”

Yet death albeit indirect is what occurs when people are unkind to each other. When one feels rejected by another a sort of spiritual death is experienced. Sometimes it’s a minor feeling indicating a lessening of the life force. Other times it can be intense enough to make a person feel like leaving this world altogether: “If I can’t find love what’s the point in living?” “The way they treat me makes me feel like I don’t want to be here anymore.”

Feeling unloved or unwanted can be so painful that it can lead to death. This is one of the essential lessons of Lag B’omer.

Treating someone well is an act of loving healing and supporting. “Great to see you!” is a simple acknowledgment of the value of the person’s existence yet it can make a person feel welcome in the world embraced in positive social connection.

Like water kindness is free abundant easy to access and absolutely essential for survival. We need to keep this in mind when dealing with everyone — from strangers to close family members. Oddly enough however our kindness is often most difficult to share with those we are closest to.

Letting Down Our Guard

When we live with people we let our guard down. They know how we really feel unlike those we encounter in public places. Our tone of voice is natural and our words tumble out uncensored in the environment we call “home.” We wear our irritation and frustration on our sleeves.

“You aren’t listening to me! Your problem is that you just don’t want to understand!”

“Don’t lecture me — I’ve had a hard week and I don’t need any more of your complaints.”

To an outside listener it might seem like we’re not even trying to be civil let alone nice. But one of the biggest barriers to kindness at home is that we don’t feel ourselves to be in the presence of an outside listener.

After a while even live-in help becomes invisible and Hashem — who is watching listening and recording — even more so. Without the feelings of scrutiny and accountability we easily fall into unkind and unattractive ways of interacting.

Another barrier is general inability to be empathetic toward ourselves and another person in the same moment. Someone who is busy writing a report under the pressure of a deadline knows how she feels right then. When her teen knocks at the door wanting her to help find some missing object right now her capacity to think about feelings other than her own is reduced.

“I’m busy and you know we have a rule not to interrupt me when I’m working unless the house is on fire. It’s not on fire so please leave me alone and don’t come back!”

This same person when relaxed and unrushed may have an abundant capacity for empathy. However under stressful conditions heart and brain collude to focus on the task at hand. This can make us plenty un-nice to others.

A third barrier to everyday kindness is familiarity. Because of continuous exposure we stop seeing loved ones as real people with real feelings. We issue a barrage of instructions without balancing them with words of affection thoughtfulness and humor. Yes issuing orders is practical and to the point perhaps appropriate when dealing with employees. But “loved ones” aren’t loved ones unless we spend time — sentence by sentence — loving them.

Dismantling the Barriers

These and all other barriers to kindness quickly collapse in the face of an overriding philosophy: “That which you don’t want done to yourself don’t do to others” is as Hillel stated the entire Torah. It’s all about love kindness being nice. The time to focus on this notion is when one is at home in the midst of the hectic and stress-filled moments of family life.

The kindness carried by every sentence we speak breathes life into those we love. Instead of being distracted by the issues — misbehavior mess money in-laws — to the point where we trample on those in our care we focus directly on our capacity and obligation to nurture and heal them. In so doing we will nurture and heal ourselves as well. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 541)