Here’s how to win the game of marriage

Congratulations to all of you playing the game! I’m sure you’ll find Marriage to be one of the most mentally challenging games you’ve ever encountered. Let’s start by reviewing the rules:

First off, the object of the game is to be the first one to arrive at Shalom Buy It, the pot of gold at the end of the game board. There are three basic moves you can make: Pass, Fold, and Raise-You.

Pass means you don’t engage, but stay silently present and “in the game.” The second move is Fold. In this move, you give up or give in, realizing you have no chance of winning that round. And the last move is “Raise-You,” where you act in a way that will lead to positive change.

Now we’ll illustrate how the game is played. Let’s run through a round with an imaginary couple, Gila and Gershon. The game starts in the upper left corner at the 7 p.m. mark. The couple each roll their dice, and since Gershon has the higher number, he makes the first move. He takes the top card from the pile and reads aloud: “Dinner isn’t ready yet? I’m starving! Why can’t you just have it ready on time for once?”

Now Gila has to decide whether to Pass, Fold, or Raise-You. If she chooses to pass, she’ll say nothing and just move dinner along. She thinks about this option. On the one hand, it avoids conflict and solves the dinner problem. On the other, it permits an unacceptable condition to continue to exist in the game (entering the house with a complaint instead of a cheery greeting is an “unacceptable condition” in Marriage. An unacceptable condition on one turn means a free pass to use that condition another time on a subsequent turn).

Gila considers the trade-off here — enjoying peace for the moment while guaranteeing more problems ahead versus heading straight into conflict now. Superficial peace (a peace that doesn’t address issues or lead to improvement) moves the player one square forward on the game board; conflict moves the player five squares back.

Gila then considers the option of Folding. She’ll apologize profusely and promise to work on the issue. This choice also results in a superficial peaceful resolution, moving her ahead one square. However, it presents two problems:

1) it permits the unacceptable condition to exist and the accompanying free pass and

2) it involves personal dishonesty, which moves her back six squares on the game board.

Gila knows that dinner is late because she works in a dental office five hours a day, carpools three young children to and from school, does all the shopping, takes her kids to afternoon programs, takes care of all domestic tasks, family matters, and so on, and she gets dinner on the table as fast as she can every single day.

She isn’t really sorry about the late dinner and, in fact, she’s quite annoyed at her husband’s lack of understanding and appreciation. The desire to apologize is coming from a part of her that is perfectionist and people-pleasing, and, having failed to get it right in her husband’s eyes, now feels unlovable and scared. Gila is very tempted to choose the Fold option.

However, Gila also has to consider the last choice: the Raise-You option. If she chooses this option, she’ll need to continue to cook dinner, but also set a time to meet with her husband to confront the issues (the fact that he entered the home with an angry complaint instead of a warm greeting, that he didn’t choose an appropriate time to raise his concerns, and that he showed a lack of compassion, caring, and appreciation for all that she does).

Choosing Raise-You is the highest risk option: It can lead to intense conflict when things go wrong, setting one’s player back six squares, but it also has the greatest ability to put a player in the lead because a successful resolution that leads to greater harmony, understanding, closeness, and improvement in future behavior requires great skill and can therefore move one’s player a full ten squares ahead!

Gila has to make her choice. Obviously, it will depend on where she is on the board. If she’s raised too many issues and provoked too much conflict, she’ll be very far back. If she’s passed on many issues, she’ll be in a better position to take a big Raise-You risk.

And, now it’s your turn. Enjoy the game!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 771)