It’s very troubling when the terms abuse or abusive are thrown around about all sorts of problems, without nuance, and often without accuracy

“My husband is totally abusive.”

“I’m worried about my brother. I think something is really wrong with my sister-in-law. She’s so abusive to him.”

“That is not a healthy relationship — I think it’s abusive.”

I remember when, as a community, we wouldn’t acknowledge the existence of abuse. When Shalom Task Force couldn’t get Jewish publications to run a paid advertisement for their domestic violence hotline. It should be gratifying, the fact that people are able to talk about abuse so freely. Actually though, it’s very troubling when the terms abuse or abusive are thrown around about all sorts of problems, without nuance, and often without accuracy.

The reality is that when everything is abuse, it dilutes focus, resources, and commitment from addressing the problem of actual domestic violence. Moreover, if we’re unclear or lack nuance in our understanding of what, specifically, is going wrong when a marriage is troubled and someone is unhappy, we can’t suggest the appropriate intervention to address that unhappiness, whatever it does or doesn’t include.

In some cases, people will describe horrifying abuse in ways that minimize it, or they’ll take the blame for “causing” it, not understanding that the responsibility for abusive behavior lies squarely with the abuser. Then there are those who easily throw around the term abuse or abusive, when, in fact, they’re struggling with poor communication and conflict management, which a couple will need to work on together. Or perhaps there’s a mental health problem that needs a different type of intervention altogether.

Although there may be struggles, marriage should be a place where you feel care, concern, safety, attachment, and belonging. If someone is distressed, unhappy, miserable, or feeling abused in their marriage, they should reach out for help. The key is to then discern what’s underlying that unhappiness, so the couple and whoever is guiding them, if there is someone, can know what type of help to recommend.