“If our only yardstick is whether something is “frum” or “not frum” — without applying deeper critical thought — we place our families in great danger”

The Question

We’ve previously allowed our kids to read some secular kids’ books with careful review, but as the children get older and kids’ reading material evolves even more, we are less comfortable with it. Is there a good way to walk back a leniency, and enforce it, because things have changed? How should we explain it?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

WE DON’T HAVE TO PRESENT IT AS JEWISH VS. NON-JEWISH, BUT AS A  MATTER OF WHAT BRINGS US CLOSER TO THE RIBBONO SHEL OLAM  VS. WHAT DISTANCES US

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magine that many readers already have strong opinions and clarity regarding this topic, and my words are not directed toward them. Rather, I am addressing those who genuinely struggle with this issue and are seeking a new way to view the challenge. To them, I suggest the following.

Perhaps it would help to reframe the entire discussion. Instead of viewing the issue as Yiddish versus non-Jewish books, we could approach it with different language: books that bring us closer to the Ribbono shel Olam versus books that distance us from Him.

When we take such a perspective, it becomes much easier to distinguish between the types of books we feel comfortable with and those we would prefer to avoid. We can explain to our children that books geared toward younger readers often focus on wholesome, family-oriented themes that naturally reinforce the values we hold dear. However, as people grow older and leave childhood innocence, many teen and young adult books unfortunately no longer reflect the values we seek to uphold.

Of course, if we were to find a children’s book that contradicts our values — a subject of public debate, with questions on public school libraries reaching the Supreme Court — we would certainly not permit it into our home. Similarly, if we should encounter an adult book that does reflect Torah values and wholesome standards, there would be no objection to allowing it to be read and enjoyed. (Parenthetically, there are reputable websites that offer recommendations for adult books that align with Torah ideals.)

By shifting to this approach, we can begin to confront the broader and far more urgent challenge: the overwhelming avalanche of entertainment and indulgence that has infiltrated our community. Our music, videos, food, travel, and clothing industries have, unfortunately, been heavily influenced by values foreign to Torah.

If our only yardstick is whether something is “frum” or “not frum” — without applying deeper critical thought — we place our families in great danger. It is not enough that something is marketed within the frum world; it must truly reflect the standards and values we aspire to live by.

This specific question about books actually presents a tremendous opportunity: to create a family culture that critically examines all entertainment and indulgences, ensuring that everything we bring into our homes helps us grow closer to the Ribbono shel Olam.

Baruch Hashem, we are blessed with a strong mesorah and with the guidance of competent daas Torah to help our families navigate these challenges and, b’ezras Hashem, grow ever closer to Him.

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield is the Head of School at Yeshiva Toras Emes of Houston, and the director of the Yeshiva Leadership Group.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

THIS IS A GREAT CHINUCH MOMENT TO TEACH TO THEM, NOT PREACH TO THEM, AND TO EXPLAIN THE WHY. OTHERWISE, THEY WILL FIND WAYS TO
WORK AROUND THEIR “YOU DON’T GET IT” PARENTS

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parents, we want the ideals and the hashkafah we live by to be imparted to our children smoothly, without any bumps in the road. But raise your hand if this is your reality…. Thought so.

Each family has different standards for what is acceptable reading material in their home. To some, Harry Potter is a welcome addition to the library. To others, it is frowned upon. To many, following sports is a welcome outlet for their children. To others, it is an unacceptable gateway into entertainment culture. (Except of course if you are a Mets fan. Then, there is very little entertainment, and only endless suffering and kapparas avonos.)

This being said, we should constantly evaluate our standards and what we allow in our house. What we felt strongly about yesterday might not be the challenge of today. And vice versa. The novel series that we were okay with our children reading at its inception may become inappropriate as the characters get older. Our job as parents is to be aware of all of this. (There are forums and websites that do a pretty decent job at reviewing reading material and pointing out the appropriateness for each level.)

And now the chinuch moment. Our relationship with our children cannot be simply about a bunch of dos or don’ts. If we do, they will resent it and view us as being “against them.” Explain to them the why. “In our family, Abba and I are uncomfortable with having books that use words and discuss topics that we wouldn’t talk about in our home.”

Don’t be afraid to level with them. Don’t lecture, but schmooze. Our children look up to us. They respect us and generally want to follow our derech. But they also want to be respected and not just discarded. They want to be heard. (See Rashi, who learns this idea out from the words in the pasuk in parshas Beshalach 17:9.) We get into trouble when we use our position of power to force them to follow us without allowing them to feel like we care about them.

The uncomfortable little secret about chinuch, assuming it is safe to reveal and that no children are actually reading this column, is that we really are not in as much control as we think we are. In the long run, even if we throw all the books of theirs that we don’t like into the Lag B’omer bonfire, we will not succeed by merely enforcing rules. They will simply get smarter and figure out ways to work around their “you don’t get it” parents. Teach to them. Don’t preach to them. You can change your position or standards. Just don’t change your tone or your style.

Hopefully, this will allow us to smoothe out the bumps and raise our hands with pride and endless nachas.

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld is the menahel of Yeshiva Ketana of Manhattan and Bais Tzipra of Manhattan, and director of Camp Aish.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1059)