If you’re not looking for Heavenly signs if the boy you’re dating is your zivug, what approach should you take?

M

azel tov! Reuven from Yeshiva Yishrei Lev is getting married to Adina from Darchei Binah. Yes, they’re both my students, and they have their very own wild story.

Last year, while visiting kevarim in Eastern Europe, my pious talmid was asked to daven for a young lady looking for a shidduch. He went from kever to kever, pouring his heart out for Adina Tova bas Shprintza. Hashem answered with a resounding “yes” and you guessed it — Reuven was actually davening for his very own zivug! What are the chances? And here I am, writing an article on this topic on their wedding day? It must be bashert….

Spoiler alert: The concept of bashert is perfect for speeches at a sheva brachos. But when dating, looking for “Heavenly signs” will distract you from working out if the boy you’re meeting is right for you. So will wondering, “What if I’m giving up my bashert?” when you say no to a shidduch.

But if you’re not looking for Heavenly signs if the boy you’re dating is your zivug, what approach should you take?

Two-Pronged Strategy

We learn from the writings of luminaries such as the Vilna Gaon and Rav Tzadok of Lublin that the first time something appears in the Torah is its essence. If you want to understand shidduchim, go to parshas Chayei Sarah, where the topic appears for the first time. Learn it deeply. Everything you need to know is there.

We notice a two-pronged strategy of practical hishtadlus and tefillah.

Yitzchak Avinu prepared for his zivug with the ultimate hishtadlus. He traveled to the sadeh, the field where he had previously offered himself as a korban on the altar of the Akeidah and the site of the future Beis Hamikdash. (Pesachim 88a) He davened the first Minchah and unleashed the power of tefillah. (Berachos 26b)

When Yitzchak Avinu finished his tefillah, he opened his eyes and voilà! He saw Rivkah. His tefillah had been instantly answered. Every future Minchah in history will derive its spiritual strength from that first Minchah. (Maharshah, ibid.)

Rav Michel Shurkin shlita relates that when his sister would share good news that a friend was zocheh to an excellent shidduch, a boy who was both a lamdan and had yiras Shamayim, their father would respond with, “Your friend had gut gedavent Minchah” — she had davened Minchah well and earned this boy. (Meged Givos Olam, 2:92)

Immediately after the Akeidah, Rashi comments: “Bisro HaKadosh Baruch Hu shenoldah Rivkah bas zugo.” Hashem informed Avraham that Rivkah, Yitzchak’s zivug, had been born.” (Bereishis 22:20).

Avraham Avinu knew with ruach hakodesh that Yitzchak’s bashert was a three-year-old girl named Rivkah. Why didn’t he tell Eliezer, “I can save you a lot of drama, just find a three-year-old named Rivkah, make sure she’s family, and your job is done”?

Instead, he prepared to find his son’s zivug with practical hishtadlus. He instructed Eliezer, his trusted servant, to go to his birthplace and find the right girl from the right family via a complicated setup to test her middas hachesed, because he understood that she must be outstanding in this middah. (Yitzchak, whose middah was gevurah, associated with self-control and fear of Heaven, needed a partner with the extreme opposite strengths. Her chesed would complement his gevurah to build the second dimension of the three Avos, the foundation stones of Klal Yisrael [Sfas Emes, Chayei Sarah, 5637]).

Eliezer arrived at the well at exactly the moment that the waters were gushing toward her. Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch calculated that Rivkah gave 140 gallons of water to Eliezer’s camels. Eliezer had found the perfect kallah for his master’s son.

So why was all this hishtadlus necessary?

Avraham Avinu understood that finding a zivug is a process, a dynamic synthesis of hishtadlus and siyata d’Shmaya.

It Came from Hashem

In retrospect, we see the guiding Hand of Hashem all along the way. Indeed, Besuel, Rivkah’s father, when hearing the extraordinary chain of events that led to Eliezer’s discovery of Rivkah, declared, “Mei’Hashem yatza hadavar! — This came from Hashem!” (Bereishis 24:50) Who could possibly say no to a shidduch that is so obviously bashert?

Throughout history there have been tzaddikim who have known up front who is their bashert, similar to the ruach hakodesh of Avraham Avinu. For example, Reb Chaim Halberstam, the saintly Sanzer Rav, was redt to Rachel Feigele, the daughter of Rav Baruch Frenkel-Teomim, known after his classic sefer, the Baruch Taam. All sides were ecstatic about the union of the young gaon and the gadol hador’s daughter. Small problem: Nobody had told Rachel Feigele that Reb Chaim was an unsightly cripple. When she found out, she was heartbroken. With all the respect she had for Reb Chaim, she just couldn’t go through with the shidduch.

Reb Chaim asked if he could speak to Rachel Feigele privately. Shortly afterward, she agreed to the shidduch. They were zocheh to doros of tzaddikim, including the chassidishe dynasties of Bobov and Klausenberg.

What happened during those few moments? The story goes that Reb Chaim asked her to look into a mirror. When she did, her face went pale. In her reflection she had the exact physical defect Reb Chaim had.

Reb Chaim explained that she’d been destined to be born with this handicap. He knew that she was his true bashert, so he davened to Hashem that the defect would be transferred to him so that his wife wouldn’t suffer. Reb Chaim, at that time, was only 17 years old.

How did Reb Chaim know with such clarity about his bashert? The answer is beyond us. It’s the domain of lofty souls. For the rest of us, the shidduch process remains a combination of hishtadlus and tefillah. Leave wondering if someone is your bashert out of it, and concentrate on working out if they would make a good spouse for you.

The Rambam conveys this in a powerful letter to “Rav Ovadia the Convert.” (Responsa 436) He explains that choosing our marriage partner should be done with our bechirah, with rational thinking. He argues that if our shidduch is preordained in Heaven, why would a newlywed be exempt from battle, “Lest he die in battle and someone else takes her.” Surely if the shidduch is bashert, she will remain his forever!

The Rambam goes on to state that if we do good deeds, Hashem rewards us with a “zivug yafeh u’meshubach” (and vice versa, but let’s think positive!) In other words, behind our very rational choice of spouse, Hashem is intimately involved.

The Ultimate Zivug 

The questions surrounding the topic of bashert are numerous. Did you marry your bashert? After tragedies people remarry and have a perfect second marriage. Who was their bashert: their first spouse or their second? Once upon a time, men had more than one wife. What happens to the bashert of someone who died without getting married? What about those who have terrible marriages?

Let’s go a little bit deeper and explore the concept of bashert. Bashert is a Yiddish phrase for a designated marriage partner. Everything, absolutely everything, has a zivug, a partner. We see this in the first pasuk of the Torah — in the beginning Hashem created Heaven, the male force, and earth, its female zivug.

Furthermore, every zivug is an echo of the ultimate zivug, that of Hashem and Klal Yisrael. That’s why every Jewish home is a mikdash me’at, a microcosm of the Beis Hamikdash. This makes for another staple sheva brachos devar Torah.

Adam Harishon and his zivug were created literally as two halves of a whole. (Berachos 61a) Technically speaking, the name “Adam” is neither male nor female. When they were separated, they instinctively reconnected, like two lonely magnets. Kayin, Hevel, and (some say) Shes were immediately born, each with at least one twin sister who was their designated zivug (see Rashi Bereishis 4:1). (It wasn’t a good time to be in the shadchanus business!)

And then came the nachash, Adam and Chava sinned — and everything unraveled. From then onward, relationships became like shul politics — complicated.

The Zohar (Lech Lecha 91a) teaches us that the neshamos of Klal Yisrael were created before Heaven and Earth, and were stored under the Kisei Hakavod. Each neshamah was created together with its zivug.

Interestingly, Pirkei D’Rabi Eliezer (36) relates that the shevatim, with the exception of Yosef and Dinah, were created with twin sisters, their natural zivug. It was a throwback to a world without sin. Understanding that the sin of Adam and Chava distorted the zivug process opens a portal to answering our questions.

Zivug Sheini

The Gemara (Sotah 2a) relates: Rav Yehuda said in the name of Rav, 40 days before the formation of a fetus a Bas Kol proclaims, the daughter of Ploni is destined for Ploni.

This seems to contradict another statement: Rabba Bar bar Chana said in the name of Rav Yochanan, zivugim are (as difficult) as splitting the Yam Suf.

The gemara resolves the contradiction by explaining that the first statement refers to zivug rishon and the second to zivug sheini.

What is a zivug sheini? The simple answer is that it is referring to a second marriage where it is unlikely that you’re marrying your zivug.

Rav Moshe Sternbuch (Teshuvos v’Hanhagos 4:279) brings in the name of the Zohar that zivug rishon refers to our zivug in our first incarnation. When we’re reincarnated, the system of zivugim works differently. Today we’re all assumed to be gilgulim and thus we need to cross the Red Sea to find our zivug sheini.

Rav Sternbuch uses this concept to explain why it’s no big deal to marry a widow. He could have also mentioned that when someone dies young, we can assume he was married to his zivug in a previous gilgul.

In fact, all our questions can be answered with the concept of gilgul. It seems very unsatisfactory, but deep down we understand, hanistaros l’Hashem Elokeinu, there are hidden ways that Hashem runs His world beyond our comprehension. (Devarim 29:28)

So while we’ve discussed two ways to understand how bashert can “get complicated” — that we’ve married the wrong zivug, or through seeing the bashert process through the lenses of gilgul — there’s a third way to understand zivug sheini which is a total game changer. Rashi says “zivug rishon” is based on his mazel, which is his natural zivug that has existed since the beginning of time, before Heaven and Earth were created (see Chasam Sofer 7:34).

“Zivug sheini” is based on his maasim, his deeds. It’s not his natural zivug. This opens up a fantastic possibility: Through the spiritual growth we undergo before we marry, we can break out of our predetermined mazel in life and give ourselves an upgrade.

I once heard a life-changing shiur from the Kamenitzer mashgiach, Rav Moshe Aaron Stern ztz”l. He was explaining how our mazel doesn’t have to define us, and he challenged us with the following question: Ha’im haratzon koveia es hayecholes, oh ha’im hayecholes koveia es haratzon — Does willpower determine our abilities, or do our abilities determine our willpower? When Yaakov Avinu lifted the rock off the well, a feat that needed many muscular shepherds to work together to achieve, his strength didn’t come from his mazel. His strength came from a fiery willpower that burst past his physical abilities. Ramchal explains that this show of strength was the opening act of building Klal Yisrael.

This is an important message for all those young men and ladies who feel that the system has boxed them in. They’re told, “Don’t expect to get better than this type of shidduch. This is your mazel, your preordained destiny.” Sometimes they hear it enough times and they just give up. Often they hear it from well-meaning loved ones. (But don’t take this as a get-out-of-jail-free card to dismiss healthy and wholesome shidduch advice!)

Chazal teach us that you can break out of your mazel. You need burning willpower and you need to put in the work to get there. But you will get there. Like Leah who changed her bashert from Eisav to Yaakov with rivers of tears, our willpower is limitless.

And that would truly make a great sheva brachos speech.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 919)