My solution is neither original nor innovative. It isn’t new or complicated. But somehow, it seems to elude us

IF

I invited you into my time machine, and you were somehow able to see yourself five years in the future… and you discovered that you were exactly the same then as you are now, how would you feel? Chances are that “disappointed” would be an understatement.

And yet if you look back five years, how different are you today from how you were then?

I’d like to help you fix that.

My solution is neither original nor innovative. It isn’t new or complicated. But somehow, it seems to elude us, no matter how hard we try to implement it.

Elul has arrived. The very word, Elul, used to cause shivers in previous generations. “It’s time to get serious,” was the prevalent contemplation back then. And what followed was often, the provocative and challenging process known as cheshbon hanefesh.

“Chishavti derachai,” declares Dovid Hamelech (Tehillim 119:59) — I contemplated my ways. And so should we. By taking a comprehensive inventory in all areas of our lives, we can take the necessary steps toward true self-improvement.

Why Now?

I’ve been practicing psychotherapy for over 40 years — mostly in Brooklyn, more recently in Jackson and Lakewood. I have seen a lot. A lot of pain and a lot of suffering. I might be in a position to recognize certain phenomena and trends that give us a glimpse into our collective psyche. One development is clear. Never has there been more incidence of anxiety — in adults and children — than now. The use of benzodiazepines and SSRIs to calm our nerves has become pervasive.

Of course, much of this enveloping anxiety is global. But the upsurge of anti-Semitism, the tragic events of October 7, and the ever-present hostage crisis has affected all of us deeply. Klal Yisrael may be ripe for some serious self-exploration and teshuvah.

In addition, our growing emphasis on self-indulgence, excess of gashmiyus, and our fascination with and addiction to social media has reached a point where greater numbers of people have begun to recognize the emptiness inside of us.

Moshe Rabbeinu returned to Har Sinai on Rosh Chodesh Elul. It was the beginning of a 40-day challenge, which represented a “second chance” for Klal Yisrael. It ended with “salachti kidvarecha.”

Getting Started

My intuition is that many fine Yidden would be more likely to actually go through the process of introspection if a mechanism existed that would make the task easier. Included in that schema would be the opportunity to embark on this project together with someone else, a chavrusa of sorts.

1. To that end, the first step would be to enlist the services of shul rabbanim to act as liaisons for facilitating the self-inspection encounter. The rabbanim would be recruited, and paid, for their time and expertise. A full list of participating rabbanim would be published and disseminated. Any interested party could call his own rav, or any other listed rav, to schedule his 45- to 60-minute appointment.

(Please note. If you are a rav reading this, and you feel ready for a trial run, don’t wait for Project Cheshbon. Announce your availability in shul and see if there are any takers. The response may surprise you.)

2. We have become a People of Organizations. I need not list the long roster of groups and associations— some more effective, some less— that dot our societal map. Perhaps the formation of Project Cheshbon could help broadcast the concept, motivate the masses, organize the effort, raise the funds, and recruit the rabbanim needed to make this effort successful. If you are ready to step up and get this started, jump in and do it.

What Exactly Is Cheshbon Hanefesh?

It seems axiomatic that any serious, profit-making business that does not examine its books periodically is probably not very serious and may also not be making much profit. How could life be any different? Not to sound holier than thou, but unless I am gravely mistaken, many — dare I say, most — G-d fearing Jews may go through their entire lifetime without ever really taking stock of what they have and have not accomplished. Not even once. How sad.

In fact, one could argue that calling this enterprise “Project” Cheshbon is selling it short. As the Chovos Halevavos in Shaar Cheshbon Hanefesh clearly reminds us, making a personal accounting is a duty, not merely a “project.” It is this self-examination that has the potential to transform us from nonexistence to existence.

Concepts and subjects that need to be addressed include:

• relationships (with Hashem, your fellow man, yourself)
• spirituality (ahavas Hashem, lashon hara)
• character development (humility, middos, respect)
• Torah study
• tefillah
• career choice
• chesed
• shalom bayis
• parenting
• global concerns
• community concerns
• shidduchim
• time management
• tzedakah
• money
• kibbud av v’eim
• kevod haTorah
• teshuvah
• tzniyus

Taking a truly honest look at yourself can be arduous, and even painful. But it can also be thought-provoking and invigorating. One of my closest rebbeim, Rav Noach Weinberg ztz”l, used to remind his talmidim to ask themselves why they are learning Torah. If it is only for intellectual stimulation, we are missing the boat. “V’sein b’libeinu binah.” Torah must be absorbed in your bones and in your soul.

“If not,” he would say, “you are just a donkey carrying books.”

But be wary. Your decision to embark on a cheshbon hanefesh is guaranteed to awaken the yetzer hara. The last thing he wants you to do is take an inventory of your accomplishments. That’s how powerful this is.

“There is no point in trying this pointless exercise,” he will tell you.

“You have tried this before,” he will claim falsely. “People don’t change.”

Ask yourself penetrating questions, like:

• How well do I truly understand what I am learning?
• Am I careful to always make eye contact with my spouse or my children when they are speaking?
• How often am I redting shidduchim?
• When I am faced with a challenge, is my level of bitachon what it should be?
• Do I know the meaning of the words of my tefillos?
• How many minutes (or hours) of time are wasted on my cell phone every day?
• Do I seek out friends who are really a good influence on me?
• Am I consistently aware of Hashem’s presence in my life?
• How important is it for me to come to shul on time?
• Do I always say brachos with kavanah?
• When eating out, am I as careful with the kashrus as I should be?
• Do I live for this world, or for the next world?

The list is practically endless. These questions are designed to loosen your shackles of apathy. And if you wince when you ask… that’s a good sign. It’s a sign that you are in the right neighborhood. You are in the vicinity of truth, growth, and yes, real change.

Elul. Can you feel the shivers?

Rabbi Yaakov Salomon, LCSW has been practicing psychotherapy for over 40 years and has authored several books, published by ArtScroll. He and his family reside in Jackson, NJ.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1029)