When parents are afraid to stand up to their children the children end up raising themselves

Some parents are too nice for their own good. They are “soft” by nature — soft-spoken soft–mannered and soft-hearted. They’re kind and generous forgiving and forbearing. They’re far from controlling — so far in fact — that they may be the ones who end up being controlled. These parents may be perfectly delightful people. They may make wonderful friends great siblings and doting children and they are usually pleasant (albeit vulnerable) spouses. What they are not however are good parents.

Balanced Parents

Good parents balance kindness with authority. The kindness is a gift of the heart the essential quality of love that nurtures and sustains the developing child. Insufficient affection leaves children stunted and distorted. The child of the “nice” parent rarely suffers this consequence. On the contrary this child may have an overdose of self-esteem sometimes bordering on narcissistic grandiosity.

When kindness is not balanced with authority children get the wrong idea. They learn that their desire can always be fulfilled as long as they use their special tools and strategies: a smile a whine a brilliant argument an endless whine or a tantrum — whatever works. They know that their “nice” parent will eventually capitulate; they learn that they call the shots.

Unbalanced Dynamics

The trouble is of course that children under a certain age shouldn’t drive cars. They lack the maturity experience judgment and self-control that lead to effective decision-making behind a wheel. It’s not that they can’t drive: they do just fine in bumper cars and on bicycles. It’s that they haven’t got what it takes to safely navigate a vehicle made for adults.

While even a very “nice” parent is unlikely to hand the keys of the car to her ten-year-old the same mother might not hesitate to hand over other keys of adult functioning. For instance she may give her preteen the freedom to decide what to eat when to sleep how to budget time who to associate with where to go and what to do. She may give all these freedoms willingly or only under duress after the youngster has used his or her special tools and strategies.

The child’s intensity urgency size and persistence overwhelm her “niceness” and her own better judgment. She gives up her authority (if she ever had it) and lets the child make decisions for himself or herself and sometimes even for the household.

Her spouse challenges her “Why did you let him go downtown by himself?” She’s flustered not quite sure herself trying to remember. He sounded so convincing. Or maybe it was that he was yelling and threatening. Perhaps it was because she wanted him to like her. It happened so fast who really knows?

The problem is that the child’s tools make him unpleasant unlikable and sometimes even unlovable. Reinforcing them by giving in to them turns the child into a monster. What will become of him and his family 15 years down the line?

Balanced Parent Balanced Child

Children who are not protected by adult authority essentially lack parents. If Hashem had wanted children to raise themselves He would have made human offspring more like those of other creatures who quickly mature and leave the parental domain. An insecure parent devalues his or her role in the child’s development acting as if all that a child really needs is food and shelter. Of course nothing could be farther from the truth.

Children whose parents refuse to parent them may have illusions of grandiosity but these are built on a foundation of deep insecurity. “I rule the house because I can because no one is home because no one can stop me. I rule the house because there is no one I trust no one I can look up to. I rule the house because I am alone in this world there is no one to look after me.” Ultimately the unparented child is an abandoned child.

Children who do have parents on the other hand feel the deep security of being raised. They draw from the strength of a parent who has strength one who doesn’t waver in the wind. They are grounded with deep roots by a parent who anchored in his or her own inner security is able to love generously and also establish fair rules and healthy boundaries. This parent not only inculcates Torah values in his or her child but also models life as a healthy adult. Both are essential for the child’s optimal development.

In the moment of parental uncertainty when self-doubt casts a fog of confusion parents can be certain of one thing: Establishing and maintaining authority is one more way of saying “I love you.”