It’s easy to have a good relationship with the grandkids. To have that with their parents, you need to overcome two fatal flaws

Often grandmothers are more laid back than mothers and provide a dose of unconditional love that’s hard to come by elsewhere in life. Many grandmothers will attest to their almost fanatic love of their grandchildren.

Of course, grandmothers are people, and people are all different. There are plenty of non-maternally inclined grandparents out there too, and even some who are anything but unconditionally loving. Grandmothers can be uninterested, aloof, critical, easily irritated, or any other shade of unpleasant, but fortunately for grandchildren, this isn’t the most common scenario. Even women who were critical, demanding, and rejecting of their own children often find within themselves a heart full of love for their grandchildren.

Family Dynamics

Although all of the above applies equally to grandfathers, there are differences between the genders when it comes to family dynamics. Adults can have all sorts of issues with their mothers and their fathers, but for some reason, issues with mom tend to be more common.

Dad is often seen as a nice guy who has resigned himself to life with a difficult person and who does the best he can to cope. Unless, of course, Dad is a tyrant with a martyred woman for a wife.

These black-and-white caricatures exist largely in the minds of adult children. People are actually much more complicated than that. Nonetheless, the caricature is important because it plays into family dynamics. Adult children tend to know their parents only as they relate to them as parents. For instance, an adult child is often focused on whether her parent is accepting or rejecting of her rather than realizing that their parent is a human being struggling with mood, energy, work, health, relationships, and other personal issues.

Cold Shoulder

It can happen that Mom — the loving grandmother — is viewed by daughters, sons, and daughters-in-law as a somewhat difficult person. This parent, in her own life, may have a solid (albeit, like everyone else, imperfect) marriage, close relationships with her siblings, some good friends, colleagues who respect her, and other perfectly fine relationships. She may be accomplished, productive, and competent. She may love her adult children and consider herself to be an excellent parent.

Older and wiser now, she may acknowledge that she made some mistakes way back when her kids were young (who doesn’t?), but she certainly doesn’t understand the inexplicable coolness she encounters when dealing with some of her children or their spouses. She’s always tried her best. She gives her all. Why do they seem to push her away?

Although each case is different, there are several issues that seem to particularly bother adult children, namely a parent’s perceived intrusiveness or criticalness.

An intrusive mom is one who so badly wants to be part of her adult children’s lives that she fails to respect their need for space. “Space” includes both physical and mental privacy. Invading space can involve activities like showing up uninvited or without prior notice, calling many times a day, expressing a desire for more contact than is currently happening, and so on.

Such behaviors only constitute an invasion of space when they’re unwanted; the problem is that invading parents may fail to respect the clues (or straight messages) from their children that these overtures are indeed unwanted. Their desire to be close to their loved ones simply makes it hard to process that their loved ones may be feeling a need for more privacy.

Critical behavior is even harder on adult children than space invasion. But giving a “helpful hint,” asking a concerned question, or giving an outright piece of unsolicited advice can make a parent persona non grata. Adult children want adult privileges — the opportunity to do what they want, how they want. Again, wanted advice is a totally different matter. The trick is for parents to wait to be explicitly asked for their thoughts, opinions, ideas, and solutions. The rule is to not offer any of the above without that specific request.

Well-meaning parents of adults may have no idea how — or even that — they’re rubbing their kids the wrong way. This situation is fairly easily remedied. They can just ask themselves: “Do I just pop in and assume that anytime is a good time?” “Do I try to help by giving advice even when no one asked for it?” Addressing these two main behavioral areas can do much to reduce stress within this special relationship.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 737)