No one can make you happy — that’s an inside job

Our experiences in childhood affect the way we perceive things in adulthood. Take, for example, the case of Devorah and Shmuel. Devorah was the youngest of ten children. The household she grew up in was hectic at the best of times. But then her older sister got sick , and for a large part of her childhood, Devorah’s parents were often unavailable to her.
While the other kids already had a foothold in their own lives, busy with school, friends, and activities, Devorah spent a lot of time with nannies whose main job was keeping the large household running so that her parents could focus on her sick sibling.
Because she was always a “good girl” who didn’t require much supervision, Devorah was left to play on her own for long periods of time. As she grew, continuing to function independently, an ache inside her grew as well. She felt invisible, lonely, and sad.
Eventually Devorah grew up and married Shmuel. Like many young people, Devorah thought that marriage would heal the pain of her childhood. She thought, “Finally, I’m going to be the center of someone’s life! Finally, someone will notice me, celebrate me, adore me!”
And for a few months after the chuppah, things were looking pretty good. But Shmuel was just a normal guy. After settling into his new married life, he turned his attention to his own busy schedule. And that’s when the trouble started.

Down the Rabbit’s Hole

Shmuel complains, “Devorah reads into everything I do and draws the conclusion that it means I don’t love her. If I leave a spoon on the counter after eating my yogurt, she flies into a rage, telling me that it’s obvious I don’t care about her feelings at all. I don’t get it. Why can’t it just be that I’m a slob? That’s what my roommates in the dorm always told me!
“Pretty much everything I do or don’t do means that I don’t care for her. She talks about how our (unborn) children will suffer because of the kind of cold marriage we’ll always have and how she doesn’t know how long she can live like this. I always thought I was a nice guy. But according to Devorah, I’m a heartless, horrible husband.”

Recalibrate

This is obviously confusing for Shmuel. Why is everything so intense? He means no harm. And yet every step he takes seems to have huge, larger-than-life ramifications.
What’s going on here?
The suffering Devorah experienced in childhood is affecting her perceptions. A spoon on the counter isn’t a spoon on the counter — it’s a symbol of unfulfilled love. In fact, because she’s always searching desperately for love, every movement her husband makes seems laden with meaning. She’s desperate for love, but finds a guy who’s busy living his normal life. She sees neglect and abandonment, where her husband sees a need to focus on his activities.
Viewing Shmuel as the designated love bank means that Devorah’s constantly unhappy. The job of healing the emptiness and hurt inside can’t be performed by a spouse. Devorah will be unhappy with her husband as long as she views him as her route to a whole and healed heart.
She needs to recalibrate. Inner wounds are healed by inner work. Spouses are for sharing life with.

Can’t Make You Happy

The truth is that no one can make us happy. That’s an inside job, and it involves plenty of work, study, healing, and intention. Our spouse isn’t responsible for making us feel loved — we are. He or she isn’t responsible for making our day — we are. Letting our partner off the hook for these major tasks allows us to simply enjoy whatever they add to our lives.
Looking at them as life partners allows us to see the gifts they bring to us. And it also allows us to see their foibles and failings, as just their foibles and failings, with nothing to do with us. Some of these will need to be addressed, but they aren’t laden with meaning or measurements of our value and personal worth.
When we find ourselves looking for and finding tons of evidence that our spouse doesn’t love us, we need to look again. This time, let’s turn our eyes inward, to search for and find love for ourselves. Then, and only then, will an unwashed spoon just be an unwashed spoon.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 741)