In an earlier column we explored a woman’s need to seek wholeness within herself and nurture connection to Hashem to be able to nurture a relationship with her spouse even in times of challenge. Here we’ll start to explore the definition of that place of inner wholeness so we can each find our individual path to shleimus.

Seven times a kallah encircles her chassan taking the most important steps in her life. This Ashkenazic minhag is rooted in the verse “nekeivah t’sovev gaver — the woman will encircle the man” (Yirmiyahu 31:21). The symbolism of these steps is meant to stay with a woman throughout her married life. They give definition to her role and delineate the territory that is hers to acquire much as Avraham did when he walked the length and breadth of Eretz Canaan indicating the boundaries of the land that would be his descendants’ inheritance. These steps signify the woman’s ability to create chomah a wall that defines protects and gives shape to the inner space that is her home. As the Talmud states: A man who has no wife remains without chomah. (Yevamos 62b)

A Wall or a Door?

In Shir HaShirim (8:8–9) Shlomo HaMelech speaks metaphorically of the little sister who has not yet physically developed. “What shall we do for our sister on the day that she is spoken for?” The verse continues “If she is a wall [chomah] we will build upon her a tower of silver and if she is a door [deles] we will enclose her with cedar panels [erez].”

The Midrash states that this pasuk is referring to Avraham Avinu who began his journey undeveloped not yet rich in Torah and mitzvos. Hashem tested him to see whether he would be a chomah a wall strong and steadfast or a deles a door swinging on its hinges. If Avraham could withstand the challenges presented to him then he would be the wall upon which the tower of silver the precious Jewish Nation could be built. If though he wavered like a door swinging on its hinges all that could be built would be anerez a wood plank that has no support and can only stand temporarily. Avraham was chomah and he passed down to us his descendants the ability to withstand challenges both personal and national.

We’re told “ein hamikra yotzei midei pshuto — the verses of Tanach can all be understood according to their simple meaning.” With that in mind let’s revisit the verses fromShir HaShirim. “What shall we do for our sister on the day that she is spoken for?” A young woman is about to be spoken for about to start a home of her own. She is undeveloped has not had much opportunity to express who she is in the natural context of her home. At the outset we are looking to see “im chomah hi.” Will she be able to create a strong wall around her home a firm barrier against that which she does not wish to bring into her home? Will she be able to define the inner space within the walls with clarity of purpose and remain steadfast when those goals are challenged? If she is able to do this then the tower of silver — a home that reaches toward the sky — can be built upon her capabilities. It will be precious and have continuity like silver which never decays. If however she is a deles a door that opens and closes with whatever wind is blowing then she cannot build something lasting upon it and she as well as her family will be impoverished (dal) no matter what their material resources.

Chomah is inner strength a self-assuredness that comes from clarity of purpose. It is the knowledge that it’s up to you to build the inner world of the Jewish People and the understanding that as a Jewish woman Hashem gave you the tools with which to accomplish this critical goal. Your self-definition reflects your ability to bring Shechinah into your home. Your sense of your own value stems from digging deeply into yourself discovering your feminine strengths and finding your ability to synthesize them with Torah. A woman who embodies chomah is confident that there is nothing more important that she could be doing.

Chomah and Malchus

A compelling example of the attribute of chomah can be found in the image of Queen Esther poised at the entrance to the inner chamber of King Achashveirosh. She might have appeared to the casual onlooker as a woman seeking her husband’s attention as she told Mordechai “It is already thirty days and I have not been called to the king” (Esther 4:11). Yet it was nothing of the sort. Esther was risking her life to intercede on behalf of the Jewish People to save them from Haman’s planned annihilation.

Esther brought to this mission the quiet strength she had as a Jewish woman embodied in the powerful words of the text “and Esther donned royalty” (Esther 5:1). Many of the commentators remark that the verse should have said bigdei malchus — royal garments. The Maharal explains that anyone can put on royal clothes but that does not make her a queen. Esther appeared before Achashveirosh with the royalty that was rightly hers by virtue of her being a Jewish woman.

Esther’s personal development until that point displayed the chomah of living as a committed Jewess in the house of a gentile king: Taking seven maidservants and naming then after the days of the week so that she would always know when Shabbos was. Not telling her origins in spite of the pleadings of the king who could kill her at will. Letting Mordechai remain her guide; never internally changing her self-definition.

To have malchus is to know the territory you are sovereign of and to exercise dominion over it. Esther came before the king not as queen of 127 lands but as the queen of her inner world having clarity and strength in that arena. The Maharal points out that Achashveirosh sat in an inner chamber that was within seven other chambers each with a guard to make sure no one slipped through to see the king uninvited. Each guard saw Esther but was rendered powerless to stop her. A Jewish woman is a quiet modest yet formidable force. She wears royalty the result of chomah.

To exercise chomah is to be steadfast but not passive. Rabbi Shlomo Freifeld ztz”l used to tell the story of the Jewish community in Brownsville New York in the 1940s. Themikveh had fallen into disrepair and the men of the community did not see the urgency to fix it despite the cajoling of the women. One Shabbos just as they were about to read from the Torah the door to the sanctuary opens and one of the most prominent local women walks into the men’s section and up onto the bimah. The men are astounded and ask her to leave so they can continue the services. She refuses and no amount of persuasion affects her. She has only one thing to say. I cannot leave here until I receive a commitment to fix the mikveh. Having no choice they commit and she quietly returns to her place in the balcony.

Chomah is unapologetic. Recently a well-known female media star interviewed women in Crown Heights investigating the Jewish perspective on family issues. Their tone was soft clear strong. They were eager to share the beauty of the life we have. Even the star was moved by their conviction.

Chomah is the confidence to make choices that reflect the values we hold dear and the ability to withstand the pressure to capitulate to the mores of our society. “She fears not snow for her household” (Mishlei 31:21). She does not fear the upcoming storm whether of alien influences or peer pressure.

Learning to live with chomah is learning to reach within and utilize our inner strengths as Jewish women. It requires us to realize that they are our Divinely inspired tools with which we can strive for the malchus that Esther acquired. Perhaps like Esther before us we can then precipitate the Geulah.