They Did Nothing Wrong (Inbox / Issue 725)

Dear Mother of a hurt son,

I understand your son’s disappointment in the abrupt ending of a relationship with a girl whom he’d invested a lot in and clearly liked very much. She was, no doubt, a wonderful young woman — sensitive, resilient, mature, empathetic. I also understand your position on wanting your child to start out with a clean slate and not begin a relationship with a girl who’d suffered from depression. That is your prerogative and totally acceptable.

However, I take issue with your complaint: “What about my son, who was so hurt in the process?” Your son was not “hurt” by this girl or by her parents. As you will hear from any competent rav or posek, a girl or boy in shidduchim who struggles (or struggled) with a health condition that is under control and not currently affecting their daily functioning does not need to reveal this information to the other party until things are getting serious (depending on your circles, the number date will vary). In fact, most rabbanim will advise them not to say anything, even if they want to.

I know this because I myself have struggled with depression and anxiety. I was instructed by my rav (a very chashuve posek in my city) not to say anything until things got serious. I was uncomfortable with the idea of “pulling the wool over the boy’s eyes,” but my Rav explained to me that I wasn’t tricking anybody. The fact that I have some mild mental-health issues does not detract from the fact that I am a completely functional girl, who will im yirtzeh Hashem one day make a wonderful wife and mother. Unfortunately, due to ignorance and stigma, if I would reveal my struggles before going out, I would not get any dates.

The frum community has come a long way over the last decade in regards to mental-health stigma. However there seems to be a misconception that I’d like to clear up: Mild to moderate depression and anxiety are extremely common, very treatable, and pretty much not a big deal at all. They are not serious psychiatric conditions.

It is 100 percent guaranteed that whichever girl your son marries will have character flaws. She might be a perfectionist or impatient. Maybe she’ll have a sarcastic streak or anger problem. And if you stop to think about it, some of these things may bother your child more than being married to a girl who sometimes feels panicked or struggles with low mood — especially if said girl is aware of her limitations, takes a pill or talks to a therapist, and deals with them effectively.

And once again, if you’re not comfortable with it, that’s 100 percent valid and understandable. We all want what’s best for our children. But please do not view your son as a victim. Nothing wrong was done to him. He weighed the pros and cons and made a choice to end things with her. Dating is often a painful process. May he find his bashert quickly and easily.

Name Withheld

Stigma’s Fallout (Inbox / Issue 723)

Last week’s inbox letter from R.S. asked why there tends to be a flood of protesting articles from therapists when the magazine publishes a column depicting incompetent, ineffective, or ill-informed therapists, while “you haven’t received any letters from doctors protesting” articles of a similar nature involving physicians. The question was rhetorical and intended to make a point, not to gather information; nonetheless, allow me to respond:

There is no stigma attached to visiting a medical doctor (unless the doctor is a psychiatrist). Any of us can visit our local pediatrician without worrying about meeting someone we know in the waiting room. Few of us deliberate whether a visit to a gastroenterologist means we are lazy, weak, anti Torah values, or seeking to blame others for our problems. Seeking medical help for a physical ailment is simply not something our culture (on the whole) calls into question.

Mental health is a different story. All around me and in my own practice, I see people hesitate. Many make the decision to seek psychological or psychiatric help for an emotional ailment, only to reconsider in the wake of comments that are ignorant at best, and condescending or aggressive at worst. For so many of us, it takes enormous amounts of suffering to finally seek help.

We constantly see how stigma and misinformation aggravates suffering and prevents people from getting the help they need, despite its availability, with countless examples: painful marriages that could be turned around by marital therapy, untreated social anxiety that keeps people isolated for years, crucial medications that people stop taking too soon because “what will we tell the shadchan.”

Our community has come a long way in making inroads in this area, through education and great siyata d’Shmaya. In many communities there is access to a number of highly professional psychotherapists and psychiatrists who are shomrei Torah u’mitzvos. Still, the progress is tentative and new.

Personally, I have no issue with articles warning people about possible risks or pitfalls in seeking therapy. These articles serve an important purpose. Certainly there is room for improvement in the field, especially in the areas of consumer education and regulation and oversight of practicing therapists.

Perhaps as a group, therapists are highly sensitive (it would seem to come with the territory). All that said, when a therapist reads an article that heightens fear or shame around mental health issues, therapy, or emotional support — especially when the article doesn’t provide information or context — it isn’t any mystery why there is an urge to protest. We’ve already seen the fallout.

Atara Weinstein, MSW

Field Advisor

Wurzweiler School of Social Work

It Gets Easier (Editor’s Letter / Issue 725)

A huge thank you to Bassi Gruen for her letter this week, about how the physical work of mothering is at its most overwhelming when you have two or three small kids.

It felt like you wrote it just for me. My second baby was two and a half weeks old when I read it, and my oldest, who’s three, had just come home after being away for two weeks. I felt like I was drowning, like I may never have a life again. And there was your editorial, reassuring me that yes, things will get better, one day I will no longer hear phantom screaming in my head even once my baby has finally quieted down. It couldn’t have come at a better time for me.

Sarah Leah Klein

What’s Wrong with a Nap? (Family Reflections / Issue 725)

I am always inspired by Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s insightful, yet practical and down-to-earth columns. It is because she has so many avid followers that I am concerned about a statement in her column: “Mentally and physically healthy adults shouldn’t be going to bed in the middle of the day (unless they’re up at night with a baby, of course!) Shutting down is a way to ease the pain of boredom.”

Of course, going to sleep because of boredom is usually not a healthy habit. However, there are valid and healthy reasons that a mentally and physically healthy adult may nap during the day, and a nap can be very beneficial for mental and physical health. A nap is not necessarily the product of boredom, but can be a constructive activity in many different instances. A mother can benefit greatly from some shut eye during the day, even if she’s not waking up for a newborn during the night, so that she can feel ready to greet her children with a smile when they come home. In addition, women are encouraged to take some time for themselves, so they should be able continue giving. For men, a nap during bein hasedorim can do wonders to refresh the thinking capacity of a kollel student. Some business men and women find a way to catch some sleep in their cubicles or offices so they can get a second wind.

Of course, not everyone has time for the luxury of a nap, and some people may view daytime napping individual as lazy, weak, or unproductive. However, saying that naps are a way to ease the pain of boredom should definitely not be said as a general statement. Especially if people might look down on themselves for doing something that helps them and their families be more productive, happy, healthy, and functional.

Happy to take a daytime nap on the rare instance when my schedule allows it!

A busy wife and mother in Lakewood, NJ

Sarah Chana Radcliffe responds:

Of course if a woman needs a nap so that she can continue to have energy in the evening for her “second shift” of work, that is a different matter. Similarly, shift workers and people who are up at night with babies or for other reasons, will need daytime naps to supplement their sleep needs. The unhealthy nap I was referring to was not for energy; it was for escape.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 727)