A Dangerous Attitude (Inbox / Issue 725)

“Mother of a Hurt Son” responded to a recent Words Unspoken column, “Dear Bochur,” that a woman wrote when the boy her daughter was dating ended their relationship after learning that she had gone to therapy and was taking medication to deal with mild depression. Mother of a Hurt Son professed the need for her son to start a relationship with a “clean slate” and lamented the end of a “relationship that should never have started in the first place.”

It is true that there are some gray areas between legitimate disqualifications and concerns that may be overlooked.  However, it seems that the letter writer either missed the point of the original piece or is staking out a position in strong opposition to it.

As I understood it, the author was exposing the idea of a “clean slate” as a myth.  Any of our boys who are pursuing perfection and blemish-free mates will invariably be bitterly disappointed when they encounter reality.  Our most impressive young adults are those with the coping skills to adapt and excel even when facing serious challenges.

Moreover, classifying a young lady with mild anxiety or depression as one who never should have started a relationship in the first place is dangerously wrong from two perspectives.  First, that attitude is a choice, not a rule.  We all determine our own criteria for dating, and when we eliminate excellent candidates, we limit the pool of possibilities in ways that can be destructive to all sides.  Our society is already inclined toward a hyper-selectivity that does no favors to either the rejected or the rejector.  Second, if the letter writer is advocating for more transparency in redting shidduchim, she must ask herself if her approach is helpful or harmful.  It is precisely because of her son’s knee-jerk rejection that no person would dare reveal at an early juncture their reasonable struggles to a shadchan or a dating partner.

All pain and loneliness in dating is surely lamentable. If your son was excited and flying high, perhaps abruptly ending the relationship solely due to a minor medical condition simply wasn’t the right approach. May our community have the courage and strength to deal with the underlying contributors to this disconnect soon.

Anonymous

Resiliency Takes Work (Inbox / Issue 725)

Dear Proud Mother,

You have every right to be proud of your courageous daughter who took the necessary steps to take care of herself and her future, who got the therapy and medication she needed to help her deal with the lows she’d been feeling. She certainly couldn’t do that without your love and support.

How frustrating and upsetting that the bochur she was dating couldn’t have that perspective and appreciate the importance of that crucial life skill of “rolling with the punches.” But it’s really more than that. You yourself observed that when you said, “resilience is built by overcoming hardship.” And it is. But it doesn’t end there.

Resiliency is part of riding the waves of life. It doesn’t end once you “check off” one nisayon. It stays with you and deepens as time and experience go on. Resiliency is something that comes in all shapes, ages, sizes, and colors. Whether it’s a five-year-old child whose parent died, or an adult struggling with mental/physical illness, or any other life difficulty (and there are so many), resiliency comes after long, hard work — sometimes consciously, oftentimes not. It’s kind of like your shadow, it’s just there, and accompanies you throughout life. But it’s not something you can pull out of your pocket either.

Sometimes there are challenges that seem less difficult than prior ones, yet they still throw you for a loop. And that’s okay too. Life is not about how quickly we bounce back, but rather about having the hopeful attitude that we can indeed do so. Even if it takes us longer. Even if no one else recognizes it.

I wish your daughter hatzlachah in finding the best bochur for her, and all of you the strength to continue to navigate your journey,

Judy Landman

Just Who’s the Victim? (Inbox / Issue 725)

I’m writing in response to the letter writer castigating in-towners for their attitudes and wondering if we should just do away with labels entirely. I hope you did not miss the irony of your own letter. You write, “Considering that being ‘in town’ seems to include… a condescending attitude to others…” Now, who is being condescending to whom?

Similar to other societal imbalances (BLM for one), somehow it is acceptable for the minority to be condescending toward the majority. Yet imagine what the backlash would be had the paragraph been just the opposite — i.e., criticizing out-of-towners.

The minority has become the victim and the underdog, yet again, and does not need to conform to the most basic respect and decency that they expect for themselves.

Food for thought…

C. Katz

Be Aware of Atypical Presentations (Inbox / Issue 725)

I am the mother of Shevy from the Medical Mystery “Healthy at Last,” about our search for an answer to Shevy’s recurring UTIs. I chose to publicize her story for three reasons. First, UTIs in children should be taken seriously.  Second, no child should be made to feel guilty by insinuating that their medical situation is self-inflicted. Every child needs care and empathy. Finally, some diagnoses have atypical presentation. Doctors tend to be dismissive of those cases, as happened with Shevy.

It was never my intention to compare the medical systems in Europe and the USA, as one inbox letter did. In fact, I would say there was not a significant difference in the treatment we received in the two continents. The story took place over a ten-year period, three in Europe and seven in the USA.

I’m happy that the letter writer’s friends and family members got appropriate care for what sounds like typical presentations of vesicoureteral reflux. I wanted to bring people’s attention to the fact that this and many other medical conditions do not always follow a typical trajectory. As mothers, we need to follow our instincts and be unafraid to make our voices heard.

Shevy’s Grateful Mother

Supporting Those in the Trenches (Know This / Issue 724)

Thank you for being the medium through which readers have the opportunity to share an experience and thereby educate and spread awareness on lesser-known topics. The Know This about the stillborn resonated deeply with me. I too experienced this life-shattering and forever life-altering experience a few short months ago. Although Chassia’s intent may have been to let outsiders into our world in order to educate and spread awareness, she achieved another goal as well — of extending a feeling of support to those in the trenches of this grief.

I found myself reading and rereading every sentence that Chassia wrote. Besides for a few details, it could have been me writing it. Thank you Chassia, for using your experience to share. It’s not easy to be vulnerable and broadcast such a painful journey. But as you said, you’re vocal about your journey, and I’m so thankful for that.

Name Withheld

Accepting Haves and Have-Nots (Touch Base / Issue 724)

As I read the various points of view presented in the Touch Base about our attitudes toward money, I couldn’t help but wonder about the absence of some basic hashkafic principles relating to the wanting of what others have that I absorbed growing up as a youngster in my parents’ home in the 1960s.

My parents were survivors who spent the war years in Shanghai as part of the Mirrer Yeshivah. They knew poverty but they also knew class distinctions, having grown up in cities, as many had, with layered socio-economic classes. There were and always will be “gevirim” as there was poverty

I grew up with (forgive a loose translation of the Yiddish) “Vos hut, vos er hut, tzuton mit mir? — What does what he have have anything to do with me?” In other words, there was an underlying framework from a religious perspective to accept that Hashem’s having bestowed material largesse on others is a function of the Ribbono shel Olam’s cheshbon with them, not with you.

When I entered high school, which in our world has the “haves and have-nots” sitting next to each other in the classroom, the experience was a different one. Today, in order to “protect” feelings of jealousy and “nisht fargin” in our children, instead of instilling and working on inner hashkafic acceptance of differences, we work on “accommodation.”

Not only do parents work so hard to give their children “what everyone has,” but institutions, Bais Yaakovs, and frum communities accommodate — for example, having everyone in schools wear the same clothing, so the haves don’t stir feelings of inadequacy or jealousy in the have-nots; limiting how much one can spend on a chasunah, etc.

In the Middle Ages, Yidden who lived amongst goyim were subject to sumptuary laws, gezeiros that limited their ostentation, so as not to foster anti-Semitism. That was between Yidden and goyim. But among ourselves, there seems to me to be so very little in our hashkafah that speaks to “Vos hut, vos er hut, tzuton mit mir?”

Naomi Gordon, Esq.

The Out-of-Town Payoff (Touch Base / Issue 724)

I want to answer the challenge at the end of this week’s Touch Base. “How can we get the brachah of today without the minuses?” I think an answer lies in the suggestion to choose your community wisely. Besides having grown up myself in what some might call “out of town” (although only an hour’s drive from frum NY/NJ), I have a sister and a sister-in-law who moved from Israel back to the US. They both shared a fear of American materialism and wanted to raise their kids with different types of values. They moved to small enclaves of bnei Torah in the wider Tristate area where simple living was a given. That was years ago. Until today, their families need much, much less to live on than similar-sized families in the NY/Lakewood area. They send nice frosted cakes or brownies for their friends’ kiddishim, not three-tiered petit-four arrangements. Their day camps are fun and wholesome in the neighbor’s backyard, at half the price (if not less). Eating out means burgers on Erev Pesach and pizza during bein hazmanim. Their sheitels last longer because snoods are fine in the park and grocery. The list goes on.

They made hard choices at the time, because they don’t live as close to family as they could, but I think their decisions really paid off. In the end, their kids are different also. They seem less entitled, and are more helpful than some of the other cousins. Of course that’s because of many different variables, but it’s obviously also because of the community they chose.

R.L.

It Takes Two (Family Reflections: Hardened Hearts / Issue 723)

Your article “Hardened Hearts,” perhaps unintentionally, strikes a discordant note on the workings of a marriage. Leaning on the account of the aggrieved wife who “begged him to make me feel special, to show some interest in me,” it lays the onus of the repair of a damaged relationship squarely upon the husband. Her story is accepted as is. Without recourse her husband is portrayed as the culprit. How sad. Doesn’t it require introspection and effort on both sides to maintain a healthy marriage, or to salvage a damaged one?

In a longtime marriage that has gone bad, the husband is faced with a formidable challenge. All too often he strives to hold on to the marriage in order to maintain his connection with their children. Because throughout the years of child raising the wife has established the closer bond, he needs her help in order to reach out to them. Hence, in this age of no-fault divorce, the wife holds the stronger hand. Yet in the long run is she always better off parlaying that advantage to bring about a breakup of the marriage?

Yes, the husband needs to keep on trying without expectation of immediate reward. But would it not have been appropriate to mention that the burden of maintaining a wholesome relationship rests on both parties, and that practicing the art of forgiveness is incumbent upon us all?

H.B.

Sarah Chana Radcliffe replies

You are correct — marriage is a complicated dance between two people, not a simple one-dimensional affair with a good guy and a bad guy. The purpose of the article was to highlight one very simple fact: A spouse’s current actions have ramifications for the future. However, as you point out, someone might have misinterpreted the simplified story as indicating that the wife was a flawless human being. That, of course, is impossible, but for the purpose of this particular article, her own weak points are irrelevant. Although sometimes a person’s unpleasant behavior causes the partner to withdraw, it is also possible for a partner to withdraw for his or her own personal reasons (i.e. being busy with other things, taking a partner for granted, etc.).

The scenario you have painted of a wife who is extremely difficult and who manipulates her spouse through her control of her children is a subject for another article. There are so many ways that spouses can hurt each other. Our goal in exploring them is to look at ourselves to see if there is room for improvement. Obviously two respectful, kind, loving, invested, and well-behaved spouses have the best chance of creating a good marriage and a happy home.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 726)