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"I always enjoy reading Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s columns. This time though, I was really taken aback"

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A Blessing and a Responsibility[Know This / Issue 941]

I read the article “Windfall,” about the woman who went from poor to very wealthy, and I felt compelled to respond.

I want to be clear that my response isn’t rooted in envy. I’m financially comfortable and extremely grateful for that. But coming from someone who grew up with limited resources, the tone of the article was especially disappointing — I would have expected a deeper sense of empathy and awareness, not self-absorption. Many readers may be facing genuine financial hardship without the privilege of newfound wealth.

Her complaints about being asked for money were particularly troubling. Does she not realize how difficult, and often humiliating, it is for people to ask for help? Framing those requests as burdens placed on her and her husband showed a painful lack of sensitivity. There was no recognition that being in a position to give is itself a blessing and responsibility.

Much of the piece read as a catalog of her current comforts: her closets are organized by a professional, she has full-time help, she eats nutritious preprepared meals and she can now buy designer clothing at whim. If I, someone who can also afford these things, found it unsettling, I can only imagine how this reads to someone struggling to put bread on the table.

For Jews — whose focus is meant to be on spiritual growth and using what Hashem has given us for G-dly purposes — the emphasis on material wealth without a deeper, values-based context felt especially misplaced. Invoking Hashem and tzedakah repeatedly, while simultaneously lamenting the “cost” of being asked to help others, seemed to obscure the true meaning of those mitzvos.
There’s a difference between private reflection and a piece written for public consumption. When telling a personal story in a communal space, tone matters. Responsibility matters. Rather than showing personal growth or insight, the narrative remained centered on the self — her guilt, her burden, her perception of others. The absence of a meaningful resolution or shift in perspective left the piece feeling incomplete and, frankly, hollow.

Name Withheld Upon Request

A Sensory Problem? [Connections / Issue 941]

Sarah Chana Radcliffe is an expert in her field, but I’m wondering if I can provide another perspective to the Connections article about a young girl who behaves beautifully at school but is very difficult at home.

Our amazingly sweet and flexible child was an absolute nightmare at home. After going to therapists who helped us try to work through it and failing, we found that OT really helped us. It turns out that she had to hold herself together at school so much, and then she came home and crashed in a super dysregulated manner. Her dysregulation caused her to be extremely rigid, whiny, controlling, and overall very difficult. This is because she felt so out of control (from being dysregulated) that she needed to be in control when she was in her safe space (home after a long day of school). Her OT helped her find ways to regulate her body, feel more in control, and gave us ways to support her. When we help her maintain regulation, she’s back to being a sweet and flexible girl. It was actually a Family First article that alerted us to the fact that this could be a sensory problem!

Anonymous

The Pressure on the Girls [Touch Base / Issue 940]

I came back from seminary a year ago and the picture craziness began a few days after I came back. The pressure was ridiculous. I had my hair and makeup done. I was told to have a busy background because it minimizes flaws. My parents paid a lot of money to have the picture polished up. Deciding what to wear was a tortuous process. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was wearing (I’m still not). There was a set of casual and a set of formal pictures. Headshots and full length. I was really uncomfortable with it. My parents examined the pictures from all angles with a professional shadchan to get my best side. My friends who do pictures had similar experiences, full of anxiety and pressure, and the feeling of cheapness. People who get pictures think there is no problem with getting a picture, but they’re not realizing what it looks like and feels like to girls.

Anonymous

Respect for Parents [Connections / Issue 940]

I always enjoy reading Sarah Chana Radcliffe’s columns, and I’m impressed by her advice and tips. This time though, I was really taken aback. She advised the mother/ mother-in-law to bring along a friend and not to expect her daughters/ daughters-in-law to regard her as “one of them.” So what upset me?

There’s an issue of kibbud horim, and this wasn’t even mentioned. The children have an obligation toward their mother/mother-in-law, beyond thanking her for the tickets. This woman felt she was ignored literally by being left on the outside row. The daughters should have had the sense to put their mother in the middle. And each of them should have interacted with her, just like they would if they had been hosted by her. This is what I call menschlichkeit.

I admit — I’m a grandmother and mother-in-law, older than this woman, retired and less active. I’m glad this has never happened to me. Just for the record, I asked my daughter her opinion, and she totally agreed with me.

A Disappointed Reader

Sarah Chana responds:

I actually agree with you. The daughters should have shown the appropriate level of kibbud horim no matter what they felt, and I should have mentioned that. All children should be showing appropriate respect and menschlichkeit to parents, and all mothers and mothers-in-law can work on respecting their own positions within the family hierarchy and developing their independent social lives in addition to enjoying time with their kids.

The Single Staff Speak [Same Job, Different Salary / Issue 939]

As an unmarried teacher, this is what I’d love to write to the administrator at my workplace:

Dear Administrator,

When we came back from seminary, everyone joked about how we were floating, head in the clouds. They said it will only be a little time before we’d be forced back to earth. What they didn’t tell us was that soon we’d be flat on the ground — a doormat.

We see how you like to be thoughtful and considerate. The poor mommy is busy with her kids; let’s not overburden her. Let’s give her help with food and clothes. The sweet newlywed, well, shanah rishonah, it’s sacred. How can we make demands on her time? The single girl? Well, she’s not busy, is she? She’s not supporting her family. Why should we give her a bonus for Yuntiff? Why should we give free concert tickets?

Let’s put it this way. Why do you pay us a salary? We don’t pay the bills. You’re paying us because we have an arrangement that we work for you, and are compensated in return. If these bonuses are benefits of the job, why shouldn’t we get them? And if they aren’t bonuses, but just thoughtful gifts, what you’re telling us is that we thought about what our other staff could use at this time, but it’s not something that’s so suitable for you, so you can’t have it. You’re right, it wouldn’t necessarily be very meaningful to us, so that means we should get nothing? Either include us, though it’s not the best fit, or take the time to think of what I need. Excluding me entirely leaves me feeling very underappreciated.

Let’s talk straight. We all know single teachers tend to get paid less to start. We also don’t benefit from tuition discounts, which are a large part of what makes the profession worthwhile for others. There is very little pulling us toward teaching as it is. Don’t make it worse by making us feel less than for something beyond our control.

Another thing — if you demonstrate that you don’t want to do anything extra for us, why should we be inclined to do extra for you? The single girls are the ones who are constantly asked to take on more, because what are they busy with anyway? You know what we’re busy with? The requests of the last 12 people who thought the same thing. While we really don’t usually mind taking on what we can, I mind the attitude that it’s obvious I’ll say yes, that somehow, I’m being selfish if I decide to prioritize myself, that I have to constantly be flexible. You’re right, we are at a stage where we can be flexible, but all we get in return is a stream of emails about the benefits provided to everyone except us. I know this stems from a lack of thought and is surely not an intentional message, so please, we’re asking you to be sensitive to us.

Your Single Staff

 

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 943)

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