"How ironic that in an era when so many female employees are supporting their husbands in kollel and the rest need two incomes to get by, women are still assumed to be working just for recreation"

Wrong Focus [Touch Base / Issue 940]

I think it’s time for people to hear the perspective of a boy’s mother regarding the topic of shidduch pictures.

When my oldest son started dating, I, too, gasped at the idea of asking for a picture. It’s a year later and my perspective has completely changed, as did the opinions of many of my friends who have boys in shidduchim.

First, it’s very difficult to assess what a girl is like from a résumé and making phone calls. While a picture doesn’t represent the essence of a girl (her middos, her intellect, etc.), it gives a glimpse of the girl. The girl’s parents meet the boy when he picks her up for the first date, while the boy’s parents don’t usually have that advantage until much later on.

Second, as I’m the only one to view the picture of the girl, I don’t understand how this is a breach of tzniyus in any way. Most mothers don’t pass the picture around (everyone I know is very careful to not circulate girls’ pictures) and are just viewing the picture in lieu of meeting the girl in person. It does help to put a face to a résumé, and honestly, most mothers do look at the résumés with pictures first because it just makes the process easier.

Girls of shidduch age are out and about, working in offices and schools, attending many events and simchahs dressed up in their finest (in the hopes of being noticed for shidduchim). They’re seen by all with makeup and hair done, looking their best. Why is a mother looking at a picture of a prospective girl any more of a breach of tzniyus than this? This seems very hypocritical to me.

Third, most boys need to invest a tremendous amount of time, money, and effort into dating. For example, when my son was redt an out-of-town girl (which required her flying in to meet with him), we didn’t hesitate for a second when the girl’s family requested a picture of my son before going ahead with the shidduch. I completely understood why they would want to see a picture, especially since the girl’s parents wouldn’t be meeting my son on the first few dates and they were investing so much time and money in traveling. Why is it problematic to make the process a little easier for everyone by sending a picture that only the mother views?

And why put a girl at a disadvantage by not sending a headshot (even a blurry one) when the shidduch process is already brutal for the girls? It helps differentiate all the generic résumés from one another. I know of many mothers of boys who dismiss résumés (especially out-of-town ones where travel is involved) because they’re flooded with so many and it’s only natural to consider the ones with pictures first.

When my daughter is ready for shidduchim im yirtzeh Hashem in a few years, I will absolutely send a picture. It’s no different from any other hishtadlus in getting a girl married.

Mrs. Leah Weiss

Birth Trauma Is Real [Inbox / Issue 940]

I’d like to respond to the letter questioning whether the stress a mother endures while delivering a baby is actually trauma. While I appreciate the perspective, I must address what seems to be a dismissal of birth trauma and its significance. If we were to question the validity of a cancer diagnosis or the treatment of a broken leg, we would likely be met with strong opposition. Similarly, birth trauma is a legitimate medical issue that can profoundly affect a mother’s mental and emotional well-being. One may think of it as an injury incurred to the nervous system by pregnancy or birth, its symptoms manifesting in emotional difficulties such as panic attacks and difficulties in baby bonding.

Alongside birth preparation classes and doulas, we must also consider the long-term implications of unresolved birth trauma. How many women have suffered for years because of this issue? How many marriages have broken down because mothers have not fully recovered back to themselves? How many children have missed the chance to bond with a fully present mother, and how many women have chosen not to continue building their family impacted by mental health challenges caused by their traumatic pregnancy or birth? Furthermore, it’s imperative to acknowledge that mental health issues remain one of the highest causes of death in the perinatal period. This is not something to take lightly or dismiss.

Just as educating women about the importance of checking for lumps to detect cancer or encouraging them to seek an X-ray for a suspected broken leg promotes proactive health management, educating about birth trauma and perinatal mood disorders prepares women to recognize and address their experiences.

Rivki Dwek
Clinical Manager, Menucha
London, UK 

Lonely at the Top [Connections / Issue 940]

I read the question and answer by Sarah Chana Radcliffe about a middle-aged woman who felt her daughters and daughters-in-law were excluding her with great interest. The question could literally have been written by my mother. However, knowing my mother and her personality, she wouldn’t think for one second that there is any possibility of her being sidelined. She thinks she’s one of the “girls.” She leans on me and my sisters for her support system, she’ll vent to us, sometimes she’ll share information that is TMI or is inappropriate to discuss with daughters. She expects us to want to go on trips with her and would get insulted if we did a “girls’ trip” without her.

I wish we could have her understand that we aren’t in the same category and she needs to have her own friends and support system and that she needs to view us as daughters and not equals.

Name Withheld

Perceived Needs [Same Job, Different Salary / Issue 939]

“Same Job, Different Salary” by Esther Kurtz presented a fraught topic with balance and fairness. In a sidebar titled “Chinuch Pay Gap,” she briefly mentioned need-based income, and how it affects the salaries of female, single, or childless employees. This practice is definitely not limited to schools, although it can be surmounted in the frum business world with tactful negotiation. (How ironic that in an era when so many female employees are supporting their husbands in kollel and the rest need two incomes to get by, women are still assumed to be working just for recreation.)

Regardless, going down the needs-based path is dangerous, and terrible business practice. When wages are tied to need or life stage, not performance, what motivates an employee? And is that really providing a salary — or tzedakah?

I’d like to add another cause of the gender pay gap to the many that were mentioned. Related to needs-based income is perception-based income, a product of our community’s informal hiring practices. Countless jobs are found through networking and shul conversations — is it any surprise that hiring decisions are then based on the perception of value rather than proven experience? A confident 30-year-old man transitioning from kollel seems just as valuable as his female colleague of the same age with a decade in the industry. The 23-year-old mother of two looks older, and therefore more competent, than her single counterpart. This trickles down to salaries and so much more than that. Perception affects workplace dynamics, division of responsibilities, and promotion opportunities.

I don’t have any solutions, and doubt any exist. But perhaps one answer to these challenges with assertiveness and perception can come from setting up our girls for the confidence and motivation they need to succeed. Women participating in the workforce is the only way to sustain our community’s fragile financial footing — it’s time to start preparing girls for it.

Rachel Bernays

Let’s Be Level-Headed [Blurred Boundaries / Issue 939]

I’d like to point out a few things that my family noticed upon discussing the story “Blurred Boundaries” about parents who feel their son’s rebbi overstepped boundaries.

It’s obvious that Rabbi Ginsberg overstepped boundaries by pushing his student Shua to reveal more than he was comfortable revealing, and by talking to him on the phone, late at night, without parental consent.

However, a story like this may cause unnecessary worry and distress to both parents and rebbeim and teachers. I imagine that parents who have the privilege of having a rebbi or morah who really cares and who read this are now second guessing his/her intentions.

Yes, unfortunately, we hear horror stories, but we hear beautiful stories as well.

I’d also imagine that any rebbi or morah who read the story did a double take and wondered if their good intentions, care, and love for their students were perceived as inappropriate. They may hesitate to reach out to a student in need if it becomes “dangerous” to do so.

Yes, often when a person cares too much, boundaries can get blurred. While not excusing boundary crossing, it’s important to note that for every story where a rebbi “messed up,” there are so many more where a rebbi saved a boy just by noticing him, zoning into his needs, and caring for him. A good rebbi or teacher who really cares about his/her students will try very, very hard to grow and learn from his/her mistakes.

Interestingly, Rabbi Ginsberg noticed something that Shua’s parents didn’t: Shua needed help. Although he was especially out of line when he asked to just “finish the conversation,” and he didn’t realize that this was above his pay grade, Rabbi Ginsberg was the catalyst for Shua getting the therapy that he needed. This doesn’t excuse his actions, but it does prove that Shua’s parents were not as “on the ball” as they’d like to assume.

Of course, this story should be taken as a lesson in awareness, and as parents we need to be alert when it comes to our children, but it’s important that we remain level-headed as well.

I pray that as rebbeim and teachers we can continue to impact our students positively, and that we should be conduits for good always.

Y.E.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 942)