When to intervene, when to not

H ow to intervene when family members lose it

Nine-year-old Ezra was having a bad morning. After ignoring half a dozen friendly wake-up calls he was dragged out of bed by his father. The rough handling insulted more than hurt Ezra triggering a full-blown meltdown. “I hate you!” he screamed as he kicked his father and tossed his blankets around the room.

Unfortunately his seven-year-old brother decided to get in on the act. “You make everyone late ” he reprimanded his older brother. Ezra lunged at him shoving him to the ground. Exasperated Dad yelled at Ezra to stop fighting and get dressed.

Somehow Ezra got himself to the kitchen where Mom was packing lunches. Spotting the pretzels being dropped into his bag he banged the table so hard that the baby started crying. “I told you not to give me pretzels!” he screamed at his mother.

Should she a) ignore his behavior b) ask him to speak to her respectfully or c) warn him that from now on when he speaks rudely he will lose his snack for the day?

In the Moment

In the heat of the moment it’s often hard to know just how to proceed. Ezra’s mom for example remembers learning that you can’t educate a child when he’s upset — you have to wait for a “teaching moment.” But she wonders how she’s going to address the behavior when it isn’t happening. And if she does address it later is she supposed to punish him for what he did hours ago? What about a child not being allowed to show disrespect to a parent?

Before Mom has finished sorting this all out Ezra’s carpool arrives and the opportunity for intervention is over.

This can happen in marriage as well.

“Over the years I tried to be understanding and patient when my husband was stressed. I ignored his rudeness and tried to stay out of his way. But I see my married daughter is struggling with a similar issue and when I hear her husband bark at her and see how she says nothing my blood boils. I never recognized my own passivity till I saw hers.”

Intervention Protocol

When — if ever — is it right to ignore improper behavior? When should you ask for what you want? When should you put your foot down and set a firm boundary?

Here are some guidelines that can help answer these questions. Although there are no absolutes these considerations can help guide your behavior.

Unless you’re dealing with a true emergency don’t intervene when either one of you is under the influence of fight-or-flight chemistry (i.e. very upset) or very tired or ill. Wait until you are both “normal.”

Not all issues can be addressed at once. Ignoring little human errors is necessary in order to build and maintain healthy relationships. Ignore low-priority issues for now and correct the most problematic behavior(s).

Setting boundaries is a necessary part of family life. Truly unacceptable behavior should always be addressed. Start by asking for what you want. If you don’t get it take boundary-setting steps.

How critical have you been lately? If you’re exceeding your allotted negative communication ratio (80/20 for kids 90/10 for teens 95/5 for marriage) make adjustments for a few days before trying to address the inappropriate behavior.

If your ratio is good ask for what you want but not more than twice. You can drop the issue after the first time but if you choose to ask a second time you must move on to boundary-setting.

When inappropriate behavior is dangerous destructive or abusive set a boundary. Keep in mind however that the more positive your overall relationship is the more effective your attempt to set a boundary will be. Boundary-setting involves instituting and then applying negative consequences.

Starting Point

Following these guidelines we see that Ezra’s mom should ignore his rudeness at that particular moment because both he and she were upset. She should take the intervening time to design a strategy for helping him with emotional regulation which he clearly needs.

Later she will make it clear to him that disrespectful speech to parents will always be disciplined in the future. Although Ezra did a lot wrong that morning the main issue was his disrespect to his parents. Verbal abuse cannot be ignored or tolerated.

While there are many more details to consider in carrying out educational strategies knowing if and when to intervene is the necessary starting point. (Originally featured in Family First Issue 548)